Off Street Journal

Newt Gingrich Interview

2012-01-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©

Volume 22 No. 1 – January 23, 2012

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good morning. Are you Newt Gingrich?
NG: Who are you? Are you with the media?

TR: Yes sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment. Sorry I’m a little late.

NG: That’s typical of you people. I expected someone much taller.

TR: Sorry, sir. I’ve been this same size since 1798.

NG: Sure, whatever you say. I know you don’t believe your own stories.

TR: May I sit down so I can ask my five questions and head on over to Romney’s headquarters?

NG: You don’t have to bother with him anymore.

TR: What do you mean?

NG: Don’t you follow the news my dear sir? Romney now looks like he might make a good Vice President. I’m giving it some thought. Sit down right there please.
TR: Ok. So, you believe you have the nomination won?

NG: The voters of South Carolina have spoken loud and clear.

TR: What about the scandals?

NG: You mean those stories the media likes to dig up just to sell more papers?

TR: You have had several wives and …..

NG: Not as many as Larry King.

TR: Yes, but what about Fannie Mae?

NG: I’ve never had relations with Fannie Mae.

TR: But didn’t you make millions of dollars from the government agency while it was going bankrupt?

NG: I just have a good nose for smelling money. That should be viewed as a virtue. I needed the money. It was just a coincidence that it was Democratic money.

TR: People say you got rich while the country’s economy fell on its face.

NG: I think you are giving me too much credit for the recession. I had nothing to do with that. That was prompted by the Democrats.

TR: Nancy Pelosi said President Bush was to blame.

NG: I’m not President Bush.

TR: I know, but ….

NG: But nothing. I’m not President Bush. Period.

TR: He might not like it if he knew you were disavowing him.

NG: There you go again. If you don’t print it, he won’t know.

TR: Ok.

NG: You have to admit that the media seems to just be picking on me. Why don’t you pick on Romney or Santorum or Obama or Marianne.

TR: Well, I’ve always been neutral and objective. I’m a graduate of the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.

NG: I’ve never heard of it.

TR: It’s been closed for many years, since 1960 I think.

NG: No wonder.

TR: How do you respond to questions about your inability to manage money?

NG: With the truth, that’s how.

TR: But one of your women has said you always spent more than you earned.

NG: Which one?

TR: I promised Marianne I wouldn’t say.

NG: Well, your secret is safe with me, but never mind.

TR: She also said you were a little hypocrite.

NG: Look, I’m about eight inches taller than you – what does that tell you?

TR: I don’t know.

NG: It tells you she’s lying.

TR: So you never spent more than you earned?

NG: Only when necessary.

TR: And all the mistresses you had?

NG: They were girlfriends, not mistresses, and the whole thing is rather personal – nothing to do with the Republic and where the country is headed.

TR: A rumor is out that if you’re elected, you’ll push for a Constitutional Amendment to allow for two or three First Ladies?

NG: Ridiculous.

TR: Not true?

NG: Ridiculous.

TR: Do you think you’ll do well in Florida?

NG: The nomination is as good as sewed up.

TR: You seem very confident.

NG: Yes, but I was not always this way. I used to be more like you.

TR: So, what happened?

NG: What happened? One of my High School teachers opened my eyes.

TR: How?

NG: She seduced me; that’s how. You are rather naïve, you know that?

TR: I have been told.

NG: You must be at least 40?

TR: I will be 235 in July.

NG: And how many women have you had?

TR: I’m still single.

NG: You know something? You’re rather loony and more than a little pathetic. We could use you in my campaign.

TR: Doing what?

NG: Infiltrating the Romney organization. We’ve done stuff like that before.

TR: Yes, I know.

NG: You would drive them nuts over there, destroy what little they’ve got.

TR: Well, I don’t need the money but I would consider it if you agree to pay me in gold coins. I haven’t trusted any country’s currency since before 1850.

NG: I can pay you in Dollars or Euros – no gold coins.

TR: Well, the way things are going….

NG: If you’re worried about the economy, worry no more.

TR: You have a plan to get the country out of the recession?

NG: Absolutely.

TR: How will you take care of the unemployment problem?

NG: Easy. I will simply deport anyone who has been unemployed for more than three weeks. That will bring the unemployment rate down to zero.

TR: And where will you deport all those people to?

NG: China. That’s where all the jobs are.

TR: Is that legal?

NG: Look. The Chinese do not worry about legalities.

TR: I meant legal for the U.S. government.

NG: Well, people will probably sue the government in a class action but by the time it gets settled, we will be long gone.

TR: Not I.

NG: Why do you insist that you’re a very old man?

TR: Because I am. I always tell the truth. I was born in 1777. July 7.

NG: You must be high on something.

TR: I drink a tea made from Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.

NG: I’m calling security.

TR: Go ahead. I’m timid but I am not afraid of anything. I speak the truth.

NG: If I give you the benefit of the doubt, will you share some of this tea with me?

TR: My father would have to decide.

NG: Your father is alive?

TR: Yes. He used to know all the Roman Emperors. He is older than I.

NG: Of course. Where is he now?

TR: In Vienna, Austria.

NG: I have a home in Vienna. We will make a fortune with this. Perhaps we could meet.

TR: I will check with my cousins.

NG: And where are they?

TR: In Nepal.

NG: How can you get in touch?

TR: They have cell phones.

NG: God bless the U.S.A.

TR: Why?

NG: American technology will save the day. They can call me direct. I’ll give you my cell number. This is really mind-boggling. To be rich and to be young and to be powerful - what more can anyone ask?

TR: To sleep well?

NG: Yeah, that too.

TR: Well, I have run out of questions as usual, and I must be going to Romney’s headquarters now.

NG: Good luck with those people but do give them my best.

TR: Yes sir, I will.

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

Ok it is 2012

2011-12-31T22:18:00.000-08:00

There is something wrong with our radio station tonight - it keeps repeating universal time every ten seconds. The music from New York is not there anymore. Someone must have hacked the automatic pilot. Happy 2012.

The Truth

2011-12-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

It is true that the world's economy is today as vulnerable to a collapse as it was before the collapse of 2008. I am absolutely certain that world leaders tend to look relaxed about the situation because they all have contingency plans in case things go very, very sour. Are they insulated from hard times as rich people were during the Great Depression in the U.S.? Not if food becomes scarce - I mean very scarce. They would have to own huge storage freezers for that to be the case. Sorry. Weather catastrophes in the wrong places will put everyone at risk, not just me. Of course, I will try to store several sacks of lima beans and wheat flour. ...Several gallons of water, too. See how long that lasts.

The Truth

2011-11-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

Oscar Wilde said: "If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all." If you think about it, this applies to ALL art. That's why dissonant, incoherent contemporary music has failed so dramatically and resoundingly. Nobody is interested in listening to it a second time. Mascagni's opera, Cavalleria Rusticana, has been performed over 44,000 times since it was composed in the late 1800s - about 350 times per year. By comparison, the modern opera, Nixon in China, has perhaps been produced 10 times and performed 50 times since it premiered in 1987 in Houston, an average of 2 times per year. It may as well be dead.

The Truth

2011-11-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

So, you feel disappointed after trying to accomplish something and it just does not work out no matter how hard you try? Thomas Edison tried hundreds of combinations before he hit upon a substance that would work as a good, effective filament for his light bulb. Winston Churchill walked for days through the jungle in an effort to get to safety. George Washington fought desperately at Valley Forge after the odds seemed completely against him and his little army. And so it goes. Perhaps the difference between great men and ordinary ones is the simple fact that they do not give up and we do. If you keep going, what have you got to lose? If you keep going, you just might accomplish something extraordinary.

The Truth

2011-11-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

There was a story on NPR this morning about the low birth rates in developed countries. The story included some history about how birth rates were high when the nations (the human race) thought they could be doomed to extinction unless they seriously and assiduously multiplied and multiplied some more. Now that the threat of extinction seems to have disappeared, the focus on reproduction - at least in the Western world and Russia - has been lost. The truth is that we are now closer to becoming extinct than ever before. The nuclear arsenals stockpiled here and there are more than enough to destroy life on the earth 100 times over - except, perhaps, cockroaches. World leaders know this well but are doing their best to keep the lid on.

Golden years baloney

2011-10-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

Old age is not fun. That's when people realize they will die soon. There's nothing sweet about death. Nothing. Death is an enemy. It is sad to see people get old and not be able to do what they did when they were young. There is no such thing as a golden year when you get old. No such thing. It is a self-deluding myth.

600,000,000

2011-10-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

A client had a Santa Anna bond for sale. We found him an offer of $600MM for it. Six hundred million dollars. He declined it - he didn't think it was enough. Yes, he was a Republican. True story - and there's a lesson there somewhere....

Black Eagle Bonds

2011-10-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

There is a big market for Mexican bonds now. Black Eagles 1843 27500s are especially in high demand. Let me know if you have one. It could make you very, very rich.

Black Eagle bonds

2011-09-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

The trouble with the Mexican bond business is that it's full of sellers that can't sell and buyers who can't buy. The sellers don't really have the bonds they say they do and the buyers don't have the money to buy - but they pretend they do. Beware.

Mexican bonds

2011-09-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

Why is it that so many people seem to be out there selling Mexican bonds when in effect they do not have them? Some of these bonds can be pretty pricy - upwards of 5 billion - and they make for good business if only people would be serious about them. If you have one of these or if you know someone who does, just look me up. We're buying.

The Truth

2011-09-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

The truth is that if government ever wanted to put a stop to crime, they could do it simply by outlawing cash transactions. That way, everything you did would be known to them. That's the truth. Who would be the first to say "you can't do that.?

The Truth

2011-08-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

The truth is that even the world's best, toughest, and most well-intentioned leaders know that they are subject to the whims of circumstances which are out of their control. They all come to that conclusion soon after taking office. That's the truth. Their staffs know it too but they have to keep up pretenses. It is true - the whole world is a stage.

One Event

2011-07-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

A single event, just as a single man, can trigger historical upheavals, even if the event turns out to be a failure. Countless times throughout history, a hundred protesting people have turned into thousands then hundreds of thousands. If the event fires up the imagination, then things begin to sort of shape themselves until a movement is born and suddenly, a revolution is in full swing, whether for good or evil. Men tend to make mistakes often so things usually turn out badly, regardless of the original intention. Such is life. Just don't ask me why. I have no clue.

Price of Gold

2011-07-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that when the dollar is weak, gold is strong. It all has to do with the confidence investors have in the value of the dollar. If your dollars are getting devalued, obviously you will need more dollars tomorrow to buy the same items you bought today. So, the more gold you have, and the higher the price for gold goes, the greater number of dollars you will have tomorrow if you decide to sell your gold for dollars. That way, inflation will not hurt you as much. Be that as it may, I would rather have ten tons of wheat and five tons of lentils at the ready.

US Debt

2011-07-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

I think the U.S. debt is so huge it will take forty years to pay off, providing there are no new expenditures. It might even take longer. Politicians always tell us what we want to hear. Their number one job is to keep their job. It is an ego trip they are on. They are only human after all.

Blogger and Google

2011-07-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

I heard a rumor which is probably true: that Google is going to change the name for Blogger. They own this site now so they can do as they wish and they will change its name, so I hear. It will be a good name though. You can bet on that.

Juarez Competitiva

2011-07-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Juarez Competitiva is a movement initiated by several Juarez businessmen aimed at changing the perception people around the world have of Ciudad Juarez - the most violent city in the world. It is structured in a way which imitates large-scale conferences. It will take place in October, 2011. You can help by accessing its page on Facebook and "liking" it. It is here. It would be nice to raise awareness so that all people around the world know about it and have a chance to help in any way they can. Concrete actions are worth a lot more than simply lamenting the situation. Juarez Competitiva es un movimiento social a grande escala. Se llevara acabo en Octubre del 2011. Ustedes pueden levantar el perfil de este evento si simplemente van a Facebook y prensan el boton "like" que ahi se encuentra. Mas vale ayudar un poquito que lamentar mucho. Aqui esta. Mil gracias.

Poetry

2011-06-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

Asuncion, Paraguay is where you can find Celia Benfer writing poetry, under the influence of lovely rainy weather or a brilliant and hot sun. She loves to write and she writes lovingly. Her verses are short, full of sincerity, very deep emotion, and illustration by way of words. I have only known her briefly but I recognized her talent for poetry the minute I began reading it. You can find her on Facebook and here, on Blogger. You have never met a more honest and pure poet.

Asunción, Paraguay es donde usted puede encontrar a Celia Benfer escribiendo poesía, este lloviendo o con el sol brilloso en el cielo. A ella le encanta escribir y lo hace con amor. Sus versos son cortos, llenos de sinceridad, profunda emoción, e ilustraciones dibujadas con palabras. Nada más la he conocido poco tiempo pero me di cuenta de su talento para la poesía en cuanto la empecé a leer. La puede usted encontrar en Facebook o aquí en Blogger. Le garantizo que nunca ha conocido poesías más honestas y puras.

One person

2011-05-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

One person only - that's all it takes to make the difference between failure and success. It made a difference in the lives of Joseph Haydn, Wolfgang Mozart, Pablo Picasso, Richard Wagner, Stephen King, Joanne Rowling, and countless others. When one person who can assist you decides to give you a helping hand, you can make a fortune. If that person never shows up in your life's tapestry, you can die penniless. Mozart died before that person showed up.

DESIGN DESIGN DESIGN

2011-03-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

How much attention do marketers or producers or manufacturers or store owners pay to design? A lot. In fact, Apple Computer's guru (Steve Jobs) thinks design is not only one of the most important things in a product but that it's the only thing. Think about that. My blog, I hope, is well-designed. It has music, photos, graphics, and nice colors. The writing does not much matter. Agreed? If you want nice, smart, imaginative designs delivered in record time and at a low price, go here. The lady at left will thank you.

Lame Journalism

2011-03-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

I'm dropping a brief note just to give you a sense of how lame journalism has become. This is my example (they say example is the best teacher, though that is highly debatable): NPR (National Public Radio) initially made a tepid and lame announcement regarding the earthquake that hit Japan yesterday (or the day before, depending on where you were on the globe.) From the tone of the announcement, you would never have guessed that the temblor was quite significant, though they did mention that it registered 8.9 on the scale. Their reporting on the event was so low key and innocuous that it rather surprised me. TODAY however, they are falling all over themselves to cover as much detail of the event as possible. This is extremist journalism - from nothing to overkill. And this is NPR, supposedly the least sensationalistic news organization out there.

On The Rocks

2011-03-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

Here is another inventive photo - a picture of a drink on the rocks - literally. How many times do we say things that if taken literally seem quite unusual. For instance: Heads up, flying off the handle, off the top of my head, on my shirtsleeve, camera ready, top secret, underground, ballistic, choked up, on the edge, loose canon, pushing the envelope, anti freeze, etc.

Subtlety

2011-03-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

You probably agree that the eyes can convey a world of meaning. The face too. But the eyes, as small as they are, are abundantly expressive all by themselves. How many emotions or thoughts can they convey? I don't know. I might ask the Timid Reporter. He has lots of experience in those things. Perhaps this girl is saying "I am in full control." If I ever met her, I certainly would not disagree. Just to be sure, I would question her too.

Timid Reporter

2011-02-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

If you like to read, this is what your bathtub might look like. I always like to see inventiveness and this photo is inventive - a bathtub made of books. One could say this woman is immersed in her reading obsession. She is not reading one of the Timid Reporter's books - he hasn't written any. She is probably reading some crime novel which she cannot put down. There are hundreds of them.

First of 2011

2011-02-25T19:11:00.000-08:00

Correspondents around the globe? We don't have any. We leave that to the big boys - The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The New Yorker, The Economist, The San Francisco Chronicle, and The Miami Herald. We're here to make fun of them - the posturing, the pretense, the commercialism. PLEASE. The only correspondent we use is the Timid Reporter. That's enough for us and (besides) he's the only one we can afford - really. Even when he's not entirely sober, the man is as honest as the day is long. He may be timid, but he's not naive and he's not afraid. On top of that, he is so old (he'll be 234 in July - DOB=7/7/1777) he's the only correspondent in the world who can claim to have lived history, not just read about it in a book. Openly timid? Yes.

The Last One

2010-12-31T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm just posting this because I can - it will be the last post of 2010. I can remember far better years than 2010. We are at this point about one hour away from 2011. I wonder if things will ever get better. I think they will get a lot worse before they get better. Men have a knack for making a mess of even the best things. Too much violence - too much greed - too much ego - too much sickness. Ok. I guess that's enough.

Nobody came

2010-12-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

I attended an art show opening recently - very recently. The artist was well-known and experienced. The show was scheduled for a good hour. The room could accomodate about 120 people. Only 8 showed up, including myself. I would like to know why. Poor promotion? Low appreciation? The holiday hours? Bad location? No free wine? Not enough friends? Not avant garde enough? I think low appreciation and poor promotion are to blame - in that order. I figure that if someone cares about something they will make every effort to support it. I bet that if the artist had been giving hundred dollar bills away the place would have been jammed with wall-to-wall self-serving art lovers.

33 Miners

2010-10-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

I knew it would come to this. The 33 rescued miners who made a deal to keep quiet so they could share equally in any profits to be derived from selling their story are now finding their deal is unraveling. When there are so many people involved and the people are in need of financial assistance, well, this sort of unraveling just happens. Sorry. They should have hired an agent or a lawyer to coordinate all this.

God knew

2010-09-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered.... I read in the paper that a man driving on the freeway on his way home from a basketball game never made it home because a tire hit his windshield and killed him almost instantly. The tire came off a big truck driving in the opposite direction on the other side of the freeway. It was considered a freak accident. The man, of course, had no idea what was about to happen to him two minutes before the tire came crashing through his windshield. As far as he was concerned, he was just driving home normally. He had no idea even ten seconds before the ocurrence. But God knew. A girl driving home from somewhere had a blowout and burned to death when her van overturned and pinned her so that she could not get out. Five seconds before the blowout she was driving happily home, completely oblivious to what was about to happen. But God was not oblivious. He knew. People who went to work at the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001 had no idea what would happen to them that morning, but God did. He knew. God knows about every accident that's about to happen and every crime and atrocity about to be committed. He knows about every child who is beat up and every injustice that takes place. Every greedy act. Every dishonest act. Every perverse act. Yet, He does not intervene. Why not? Anyone know?

The trouble with LEAF

2010-09-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

Nissan has a new car out - the LEAF. If I could find a photo of it I would post it but I think I'll post a picture of something else instead. Not that it would make a difference to anyone. The LEAF can take you a distance of one hundred miles before it runs out of steam - so to speak. I play in an orchestra that requires me to travel 114 miles round trip for each rehearsal or performance. I would be stranded before I could make it home. The electric technology is just too immature for it to do me any good. Would cab drivers be able to use this car? Hmmm....

Crops

2010-09-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I think the world is about to experience a rash of crop failures which will make cereals and fruits and vegetables very, very expensive. Don't ask me how I know. Giant food processors like Archer Daniels Midland are about to become super rich. Buy shares in the company if you can. If you can't, then store up a few cans and boxes of whatever food you can afford.

Wall Street Journal

2010-09-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

I saw an ad on this page for the Wall Street Journal and I asked myself why they would put one of their ads here. We have nothing in common. Really. I don't put ads on their page. I suppose there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'll just listen to some salsa music - they don't have salsa at the Wall Street Journal site.

Russian Gadget

2010-09-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

There is a story in Russia Today that someone in Russia (where else?) has invented a device which will prevent you from going to sleep at the wheel. It is a simple ring worn on your middle finger which rings a bell or vibrates as soon as your metabolic processes start to slow down. I hope it works - we could use a device like that. Too many drivers fall asleep at the wheel and then crash big time. Who can save you from that?

Audrina Patridge Interview

2010-08-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 11 - March 20, 2008

Warning: any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Audrina Patridge?
AP: Who are you? Do you have a camera?
TR: Yes. I always carry one when I’m on assignment.
AP: You didn’t answer my first question. I’m not letting you in until you do.
TR: I’m a reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
AP: I’m not talking to anyone until my press agent tells me to.
TR: You don’t trust me? It will be very brief. I promise you. I can never think of enough questions for a long interview.
AP: I’ll give you three minutes. Don’t let anybody see you coming in here.
TR: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful.
AP: You haven’t seen my pictures?
TR: No. They said they were X-rated.
AP: They are not. I’ll show them to you. Here, sit down please.
TR: Oh, my God. You are even more beautiful than I thought.
AP: Thank you.
TR: You must have at least a hundred of them in that box.
AP: One hundred fourteen – no duplicates.
TR: Can I have some?
AP: Never. You are so naïve. They would absolutely kill me if they saw all these.
TR: Why?
AP: I don’t really know. I’m so upset over the reaction of some people.
TR: Who?
AP: I guess people who don’t like me and don’t want my career to blossom.
TR: You don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
AP: I’m really not, but I have to do what’s best for my future.
TR: You are just absolutely beautiful. Is that really you in those pictures?
AP: Of course.
TR: How would I be able to tell?
AP: I’m not about to show you.
TR: Are you busy later tonight?
AP: I’m not an escort. I’m an actress – that’s better than just being a model.
TR: Yes. I’m sorry. I got carried away.
AP: I know the feeling. I’ve learned a lot these last two days. Put your camera away, please.
TR: I was just going to clean the lens.
AP: Why? I won’t let you take pictures of anything here, not even my cat.
TR: Sorry.
AP: How did you find out where I lived anyway?
TR: I subscribe to a service that snoops on celebrities and politicians.
AP: You’re not a stalker?
TR: No, no…I’m just a reporter – a journalist actually.
AP: Is there a difference?
TR: A difference in what?
AP: Never mind. Maybe you can help me get over this scandal.
TR: I don’t see how – I only have eight readers.
AP: That’s really pitiful. You should do something scandalous to get exposure.
TR: I’m not attractive like you.
AP: No, you’re not. Maybe you should do a big story on someone really distasteful like Britney.
TR: Britney Spears? I think that woman is totally boring. She has nothing to say.
AP: You couldn’t get past the bodyguards either?
TR: No.
AP: I thought so.
TR: I’ve tried everything. I even got a fake letter of recommendation from Walt Disney but she wouldn’t buy it.
AP: I have some interesting pictures of her that nobody has ever seen.
TR: That’s impossible.
AP: Nope. I will share two of them with you if you do something for me.
TR: Anything. I’ll do anything to talk to Britney.
AP: Ok, ok. Don’t get so out-of-control.
TR: Sorry. What do you want me to do?
AP: Talk to the Playboy people for me.
TR: I can do that. I have Hefner’s addresses and cell phone numbers.
AP: Great. Tell them I’m still interested in doing the spread. I want something in the high six-figure range for the shoot. If you can get that gig for me, I’ll share Britney’s photos with you.
TR: Cool. No problem.
AP: I bet you they now feel like the guy that turned down the Beatles.
TR: For sure.
AP: Maybe both of us can get something out of this. Just don’t tell anybody.
TR: I won’t.
AP: Thanks. You’re sweet.
TR: Thank you Ms Patridge. Bye.

Electric Cars

2010-06-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

If you followed the news yesterday, you might know that Tesla Motors had a public offering on Wall Street. They raised lots of money - that should help them further develop their electric car. The current price of a Tesla car is about $100,000, but they hope to be able to bring the price down to about $50,000 within a year. At that rate, the little car will not really make much of an impact on the greening of the environment. Only people who want to show off their environmental friendliness will want to buy this car. The masses will still prefer the Cooper or the Corolla or the Focus or the Leaf or the Lexus.

Pope Benedict Interview

2010-02-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 20 No. 1 – February 10, 2010

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Guten Tag. Sind Sie Pope Benedict?
PB: Hahaha. Ja. Hereingekommen bitte.
TR: Ich spreche Deutsches, aber meine Lesser tun nicht.
PB: Ooooh. Wurde Sie mögen mich Englisch sprechen?
TR: Ja. Please.
PB: Ok. You know you have a good German accent.
TR: I got it from my father – he is Austrian.
PB: Good. Have a seat right here. I had some cookies and tea prepared for you.
TR: Thank you but could I have a beer instead? Corona Light?
PB: Hahaha. We do serve beer once in a while but only after five in the afternoon. You will excuse our traditional protocol?
TR: I always respect traditions and customs – no problem. I guess there is a reason some things never change. You know, even this room has not changed. It looks exactly the same to me.
PB: You have been here before?
TR: Yes.
PB: Wann? I do not remember that.
TR: October, 1793.
PB: You need to go to confession soon my son.
TR: My father and I were delivering new rifles and uniforms to the Papal Guards – he was in the arms business back then. I was 16 years old. I remember this room vividly.
PB: But, I had new carpet installed here when I became Pope.
TR: Yes, I know it’s new but the design is the same, the fiber is the same, and the placement on the floor is exactly the same. It’s new but it’s exactly like the old – very luxurious - very fine quality. I remember it. The paintings are the same and the furniture, too.
PB: I don’t know how you know but you are absolutely right. You said your father was Austrian?
TR: He is.
PB: He is living?
TR: Yes sir.
PB: Did you see His Holiness in 1793 then?
TR: No. He wouldn’t see us because my father was selling weapons to the French revolutionaries. That was Pope Pius I think.
PB: Yes, Pius VI was against the revolution.
TR: He also only paid us 50% - the balance was never paid.
PB: That is unbelievable.
TR: It was no big deal. We wrote off the bad debt – it wasn’t a large number of rifles anyway.
PB: I was not referring to the debt. How can any man live so long? Adam and his immediate descendants lived long but not modern men. You don’t look a day over 40.
TR: I was in fact born in 1777.
PB: And your father?
TR: I don’t know, but he is older than I.
PB: Ja. Of course he would be. You should bring him here. I am interested in talking to him at length.
TR: He has told me stories about the Roman Empire.
PB: Fascinating - fascinating. How have you managed to live so long? Do you know?
TR: Yes. We regularly drink tea made from some Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.
PB: You know where the tree is and the herbs?
TR: My cousins do.
PB: …And you haven’t shared this with anyone else?
TR: Well, Barbara Walters was very curious about it when I interviewed her - Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, too.
PB: Who are they? Are they Catholic?
TR: I have no idea. They are just ordinary business people from the United States.
PB: Oh. Have they tried to buy this secret from you?
TR: They have no way of contacting me – only my father and my two cousins know where I am at any given time.
PB: Good. Good. I will write out a personal invitation for your father. I take it on faith that everything you have told me is true.
TR: Sure. I never lie – regardless. I need to ask you a few questions though.
PB: Ja. I forgot you came to interview me.
TR: I only have four or five questions – I can never think of anything interesting to ask.
PB: Well, go ahead anyway.
TR: Well, first of all, I was wondering about now that you are Pope, if the Italians will ever be Pope again?
PB: Well, we do not exactly have to rotate the Holy Office but they can try.
TR: Will the Vatican always be in Rome?
PB: Actually, I have been thinking of establishing a summer Vatican in Berlin. Maybe we can try it out for a few years – for the German Popes.
TR: Do you think there will be opposition to the idea? It sounds very novel.
PB: Well, I am not the President of a country – I am the Pope. There is no legislature here. When I decide to do something, it is done. Besides, the weather there is better than in London.
TR: Oh, for sure. I used to live there. How about the Middle East?
PB: Ooooh, the weather there is even worse. Too hot.
TR: I meant – what do you think of the prospects for peace in the Middle East?
PB: I think it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle….
TR: So, it’s not possible?
PB: Perhaps it is. I plan to set an example for our brothers in the Middle East.
TR: How?
PB: I will begin the process of reuniting the Protestants and the Catholics - all of us. When the Reformation began, it was mostly due to abuses in the Church which have now largely disappeared. It is reasonable, therefore, that if most of the abuses are gone, then the schism should be gone too. We are not all that different. I think it can be done in this generation.
TR: Really?
PB: Ja, but that’s not all. After the Church is once more united, I have a plan for uniting the Church and the State.
TR: Does anyone else know about this?
PB: Nooooo. I trust you will keep it to yourself.
TR: Ok.
PB: Once the Middle Easterners see what we have done, they will work toward reconciliation, too.
TR: But who will head this new organization?
PB: That can be figured out as we go. The French would probably be interested. We just need to agree on one thing without exception.
TR: What’s that?
PB: Latin will have to be declared the official language – the language of peace.
TR: What about celibacy?
PB: We will either all be celibate or all be allowed to marry.
TR: Even your Holiness?
PB: Yes, I’m not that old, I could meet a nice girl, and if I get to see your father soon, I might live to be a thousand. With God, all things are possible. When you finish your tea, maybe you can tell me about some of these old paintings. I have always wondered where they came from.
TR: I would be happy to.
PB: Danke.
TR: Thank you too.

Silent music

2010-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:00

My, oh my. I just heard that the Honolulu Symphony has declared bankruptcy. No more concerts for them. The Seattle Symphony is also in some sort of trouble - the Utah Symphony as well. The Cleveland Orchestra might go on strike this weekend. I'm going to have to think about this for a couple of minutes.

Ok. Here's what needs to happen. It seems that forever, orchestras have been playing the same music over and over and over and over and over and over.... Composers have been writing new music - sure they have. Unfortunately, it's plain garbage that only conductors like or pretend to like because of peer pressure. Audiences don't like to pay to go hear garbage. They would rather sing in the shower. Someone in a position of authority needs to let composers know that music should be inspired and communicate something that inspires. Don't write music as if you were a mathematician or an engineer. That's for students. PLEASE.

Inertia

2009-12-16T16:43:00.001-08:00

One of the causes of poverty is simple inertia. I am writing this only to make this account active again. You are free to ignore it. I will keep writing until I have enough lines to cover the photo to the left. I have not decided what photo that will be. Something nice I hope - if I can find something somewhere. In the meantime, I will only beat around the bush, saying nothing. The lady at left did not have to enhance her beauty by applying ink to her body but she did.

Robert Mugabe Interview

2009-08-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 3 – July 20, 2009

Another interview from the Timid Reporter… Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon sir. Are you President Mugabe?
RM: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t?
TR: I would say you’re pulling my leg.
RM: You’re a born diplomat my good sir.
TR: Thank you. Can we sit down?
RM: Yes, of course, but first come in please. I hope my security staff doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
TR: Not at all. I know there are forty four of them – I’m not going to try anything.
RM: You actually counted them!! I didn’t even notice. That’s very good.
TR: Well, I’m half Gypsy.
RM: Roma!!! Well, I’m all African. You’re welcome in my country.
TR: I know you only allowed either four questions or six minutes so may I get started?
RM: Which do you choose?
TR: The six minutes.
RM: I’ll warn you my answers can be lengthy.
TR: Ok, then, I’ll take the four questions.
RM: That’s the smart thing. Go ahead.
TR: Why can’t Zimbabwe feed itself?
RM: Its farmers can’t grow enough food.
TR: Yes, but why is that?
RM: They don’t know how.
TR: Why do I feel like you’ve tricked me?
RM: Because I have. You have one more question left.
TR: The world says you’re a scoundrel and a thief.
RM: I am an educated man and a good politician. If the world says this or that, what’s that to me? I’m still the boss here.
TR: You are very rich and your people are very poor.
RM: Nobody gave me anything. I worked for what I have.
TR: You have everything and your people have nothing.
RM: Look, someone has to be in charge. There’s nobody else to take my place.
TR: You are indispensable.
RM: Precisely. I was elected by the people. If they were unhappy with the way I run things, they would have voted me out, don’t you think?
TR: But you have all the guns.
RM: Democracy isn’t about guns. It’s about ballot boxes.
TR: People say you cheated in the last election.
RM: Well, if you know of any particular person or any box in any district which was somehow cheated, let me know.
TR: I don’t know.
RM: Well, you see?
TR: You don’t even provide basic services.
RM: Define basic services.
TR: Health care, schools, infrastructure, business controls, police protection….
RM: Ok, ok. The problem there is that there is not enough money to run everything. After I take my cut, what’s left is a fraction of what the country needs just to get by. We have to import all our food, too. On top of that, I have been cursed with people who don’t like to work.
TR: How do you expect them to work if your economy has not created any jobs since 1984?
RM: My political enemies have instigated all kinds of dirty tricks by outsiders to make things impossible for me. They are a bunch of idiots. I am aware of everything that goes on in my country. I am an educated man. As for police protection, I get plenty of it. That was your last question, by the way.
TR: You have a lot of honorary degrees from prestigious universities.
RM: You have done your homework.
TR: Some of those degrees have been revoked.
RM: They are a bunch of idiots.
TR: Your inflation is at 8000%
RM: That’s meaningless. There are precious few products that are affected by inflation.
TR: Precisely. Independence was a godsend for you.
RM: Precisely.
TR: You changed the names of a lot of places in the country.
RM: Not a lot but maybe a few. Salisbury became Harare but we didn’t change the name of the steak.
TR: Only your friends enjoy the good things here.
RM: Loyalty doesn’t come cheap.
TR: Things won’t change soon.
RM: We need nuclear power plants - that’s what we need.
TR: You need Uranium or Plutonium first.
RM: We have both already, just don’t tell anyone.
TR: I won’t.
RM: For whatever reason, I can sense you are an honest man. Just beware – even the most honest and just and kind can be corrupted. Since I like you, I will allow one more question.
TR: What keeps a man in power from ruling justly and benignly – for the good of the people?
RM: It all has to do with your relationship with your mother.
TR: Sigmund Freud.
RM: Yes. I told you I was an educated man.
TR: I knew Sigmund Freud – he was an idiot. He smoked smelly cigars, too.
RM: Now look who is pulling whose leg.
TR: But, you know he smoked cigars.
RM: That’s not what I meant. How can you say you knew Dr. Freud – you don’t look a day over forty…
TR: I just had a birthday – July 7. I am 232 years old.
RM: Hahahahahahaha… Prove it.
TR: I don’t carry my birth certificate with me but I can tell you that I was born in Florence in 1777. My father is Austrian and you know how particular and precise they are with facts.
RM: You said “is.”
TR: Yes, he is still alive.
RM: Where?
TR: He’s in the Himalayas right now, visiting my cousin.
RM: You have been smoking something.
TR: No. I used to smoke back in the 1890s but I gave it up.
RM: Made you sick?
TR: No, it got to be too expensive. If I hadn’t given up the habit, I would have spent $47,244 on cigarettes by now, plus the cost of matches and lighters.
RM: You are frugal, sir, but there must be some luxury which you can’t do without?
TR: I like Corona Light.
RM: Well, well. It just so happens I have in my private cellar, 192 different brands of beer. I’m certain we have this Corona Light you mention.
TR: Can I have one?
RM: That was one question too many, but I’ll let it go on one condition.
TR: Yes.
RM: While we have a drink, I want you to tell me all about your father. Please.
TR: Oh, of course. No problem. RM: Ok, then, we have a deal.

Conservative media

2009-07-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

From an article by Ron Kessler, a conservative columnist:
“Six months into his presidency, it’s clear that neither President Obama’s economic plan nor his world peace plan is working. After pushing Congress to pass the $787 billion stimulus, Obama has seen the unemployment rate rise from the 8 percent limit he predicted if the bill passed to 9.5 percent. After apologizing to the world for America’s imagined failings, Obama has seen Iran and North Korea continue their nuclear programs and become even more belligerent than when George Bush was president. Behind Obama’s failure is a blind spot when it comes to understanding that people respond to incentives and disincentives. Looking at Obama’s approach, I am reminded of sitting in the dining room at the National Hotel in Moscow when writing my book “Moscow Station” during the Cold War. Since they were government employees, the waiters milled around and chatted in groups, ignoring my wife Pam and me. Why should they wait on us? They were paid by the Soviet Union regardless and got no tips. Their bosses had the same lack of incentive to do anything. As a result of Obama’s wild spending spree, over the next decade, the public debt will rise from 41 percent of GDP in 2008 to an astounding 82 percent of GDP by 2019, according to the Congressional Budget Office. Hardest hit by tax increases will be the highest-earning Americans, who are often small businesses which file taxes under Schedule C as individuals.”
I suspect that many of these job-creating individuals will soon be moving to Europe. Taxes are high over there too, but their national debt is much lower, so the possibility of a catastrophic economic collapse is far less. Besides, their quality of life is much higher too. What I would like to know is how many Washington politicians already own property over there. That would certainly tell us something, no?

That's the way it is

2009-07-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

This morning, with the passing of Walter Cronkite, I am reminded that even the best showman, the greatest statesman, the most honest person, the kindest, the most beautiful, the smartest, the most inspiring, the sexiest, the best artist, the most creative, the most knowledgeable, dies. That's the way it is but nobody knows why.

The Electocracy

2009-07-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, what is an Electocracy? It is a group of elected officials - bureaucrats - who act like royalty - the "...let them eat cake" type. It seems like it is deeply entrenched and here to stay. How to get rid of them? There is definitely no need for a revolution - just vote them out. I guarantee you, however, that the next batch will grow to love their place in bureaucratic society and eventually become very much a part of the Electocracy. That is what government all over the world has turned into. Sorry.

Reality

2009-06-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is Snow White or some other fairy tale character but that does not matter. What does matter is the image of reality - what comes after the wedding. There's nothing wrong with seeing life through a pink lens but then we have to always remember that we are human. After the honeymoon, we cannot spend the rest of our lives on vacation. Even if you're royalty, there are mundane things to attend to. Enjoy them. One thing - don't watch so much TV. It will make you downright stupid. Someone needs to tell the prince to get up and help with the kids or throw the trash out or something - anything more productive than watching the sports channel while drinking beer (or whatever it is he's drinking.)

Tom Anderson Interview

2009-05-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 2 – May 18, 2009

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Tom Anderson?
TA: Can’t you tell by the white T-shirt?
TR: I’m just making sure – there’s some doubt that you even exist.
TA: Yeah, I heard that rumor, but here I am in the flesh.
TR: I didn’t know you had a tattoo.
TA: Only my mother knows about it.
TR: It’s in the shape of the Milky Way.
TA: Yeah, pretty cool, no?
TR: It’s appropriate I guess.
TA: Yeah, outer space.
TR: Could I have a beer?
TA: A beer?
TR: Yes sir, a beer.
TA: Well if I had some I would gladly give you one but we don’t keep beer in the office.
TR: Why not?
TA: Well, it’s part of the MySpace terms. No beer on the premises.
TR: May I sit down?
TA: Of course – you can use that chair over there.
TR: The shiny one?
TA: Yeah – the paint should be dry by now.
TR: …and if it’s not?
TA: Then you can sit on the other chair – the one with the broken leg.
TR: Why is the furniture so rickety?
TA: We were bought out by Rupert Murdoch not too long ago and the guy is such a cheapskate it’s unbelievable. He got rid of all the stylish new furniture Chris and I had and he insisted on everything second hand. The good things in here I had to bring from my apartment. It’s a good thing it’s only two blocks away.
TR: Can I print that?
TA: About my apartment?
TR: No, about the furniture.
TA: No – he might get mad and fire me.
TR: Ok, I won’t. You don’t have pictures on the walls either?
TA: It’s forbidden by MySpace terms.
TR: Really?
TA: No – I made that up. I just happen to not like pictures on the wall. They are a distraction.
TR: Yes, of course. You are very busy with your 250,000,000 friends.
TA: 287,000,000.
TR: Is that more than Facebook?
TA: We are neck and neck. Have you seen their site lately? Nothing but games and little puzzles….
TR: I don’t have a computer.
TA: I can’t believe that. You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: Me and my father and my two cousins.
TA: That’s unbelievable.
TR: We go way back to the 1700s. We are not technologically caught up.
TA: Let me tell you something – I can set up a profile for you right now. What’s your date of birth?
TR: July 7, 1777.
TA: I don’t know if the computer will accept that but I can try it.
TR: Can you say that I graduated from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea?
TA: Sure, I can say whatever you want.
TR: Are you really 27 years old?
TA: No, I’m 28. What are your interests?
TR: Well, let me see – there are so many.
TA: Give me as many as you want.
TR: Ok, the Magna Carta,….
TA: What’s that?
TR: It’s like your Bill of Rights, only better.
TA: Oh. Go on.
TR: …Catherine the Great, Alexander the Great, Peter the Great, Pope Leo the Tenth, King Richard the Eighth, Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci,…
TA: …from the Da Vinci Code?
TR: No, the real one…
TA: Go ahead….
TR: …Renaissance art, Picasso, Rembrandt, Beethoven, The Spanish Inquisition, science, Chess, Poker, Canasta, Bridge, Archery, precious stones, medicine, swimming, world history, Impressionism, medieval societies, Lorenzo De Medici, chemistry, submarines, Chinese Dynasties, The First World War, atomic energy, natural healing, Paris, Hong Kong, New York, London, Buenos Aires, Phoenix, Madrid, Amsterdam, music,…
TA: Hold it right there….Maybe I can set up a MySpace Music page for you. Do you play or sing?
TR: I used to play the Viola Da Gamba.
TA: A what?
TR: A Viola Da Gamba. It’s like a primitive cello.
TA: But you don’t play it any more?
TR: No. When my father and I had a shipwreck off the coast of France back in 1795, we had nothing else to hold on to and when we finally got to shore, the poor thing was a total loss. I never had the heart to take it up again.
TA: Where should I say you’re from?
TR: I don’t live anywhere. I’m always on assignment.
TA: On assignment?
TR: Yes, to do interviews with famous people.
TA: But, I have to put something in that field – it will not accept a blank.
TR: Well, then put Birmingham.
TA: Good – Birmingham, Alabama.
TR: No, Birmingham, England.
TA: Why can’t we put New York?
TR: Because it’s not in England.
TA: Why does it have to be England?
TR: It does not have to be but I’m on my way to interview Dorothy and she’s from there.
TA: And who is Dorothy?
TR: One of your 287,000,000 friends.
TA: Well, as long as you’re there you might as well interview the Queen too.
TR: I already have.
TA: And, did it go well?
TR: Better than I expected.
TA: I’ll be done with your page by the time you get back. It will have a magnificent layout. Trust me. You’ll be able to see it from any computer. You’ll need a password to get in but I can give it to you right now. How does Retrotim101 sound to you?
TR: I think I can remember it.
TA: Just don’t share it with anyone.
TR: Not even Dorothy?
TA: No, not even Dorothy.
TR: Ok. And where can I find a computer in England?
TA: Try a library. I’m sure they have libraries there.
TR: Oh, I’m sure.
TA: Ok, then, you are all set up. We should be able to place lots of interesting ads on your page.
TR: Thank you Tom.
TA: Thank you sir.

Katie Couric Interview

2009-04-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

An interview from long ago conducted by The Timid Reporter, who else?

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 23 - April 10, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Katie Couric?
KC: That’s amusing, but I shouldn’t be surprised you’re asking me that question.
TR: Why not?
KC: I’m not that well-known anymore. Hardly anyone watches my newscast.
TR: Don’t feel bad, I only have eight readers.
KC: Thank God.
TR: What do you mean?
KC: Never mind, just come on in.
TR: This is a nice office.
KC: It’s self-serve, ok? Pour yourself a drink, or have some juice, or coffee, or whatever you want.
TR: Did you make the coffee?
KC: Of course not. Those days are over.
TR: I’ll have a beer.
KC: Corona Light?
TR: Why does everybody like Corona Light?
KC: Peer pressure, I think. Chalk it up to the herd mentality. When the top dogs do it, everybody else follows.
TR: I see you still have your Absolut Vodka.
KC: Yes, I’m just going against the grain. I have a maverick streak in me.
TR: Are the rumors true?
KC: That I’m leaving CBS?
TR: Yes.
KC: No.
TR: Just no?
KC: Well, I suppose I could comment on the rumors and how I think they got started and why, but I don’t see that it would serve any purpose.
TR: How about a self-serving purpose?
KC: Ok, I’ll do it. It might improve your ratings.
TR: Thanks.
KC: I believe the Wall Street Journal wants me out. Murdoch and his associates work in mysterious ways.
TR: Who is that?
KC: Don’t you know anything? He owns the Journal and a host of other media outlets. The man is out of control. He is anti-NOW and a rabid anti-feminist. It’s a gender thing. I bet you anything he watches my show. It’s usually that way, like the Spitzer thing. I’m sure that if people wait long enough, my ratings will go up. My goal is to reach ten million viewers – the top brass is reviewing several of my proposals right now.
TR: Ten million is double what you have now.
KC: Yes, but I can do it.
TR: What ideas do you have in mind?
KC: I really can’t discuss them.
TR: I promise I won’t print anything.
KC: Ok. For one, I plan on doing a special on Elvis sightings.
TR: On a serious newscast?
KC: Yes, it’s never been tried before. It’s not definite that he is really dead. There have been dozens of sightings and they can’t all be fake.... The newscast will be done from the Graceland Mansion in Memphis.
TR: I can’t imagine the newscast from there.
KC: Well, trust me; it will boost the ratings, especially in the South. After that, I will follow up with another mansion newscast.
TR: What mansion newscast?
KC: The Playboy Mansion. That will deal with gender bias issues.
TR: I can hardly wait.
KC: That one will be followed by a show from Gracie Mansion.
TR: Who owns that?
KC: Nobody – the people of New York.
TR: Oh. What will that be about?
KC: That show will deal with why we haven’t had a President from the State of New York in a long time.
TR: Is that really a pressing issue?
KC: It’s just to boost the ratings.
TR: Oh.
KC: That, and all my other proposals, will prove once and for all that I’m not just a pretty face – a lightweight.
TR: But, you are very, very pretty.
KC: Well, I suppose you mean it as a compliment, but in my case, it just might be a hindrance. That’s why the CNN rumor can’t be true either.
TR: CNN?
KC: If you tell me you don’t know who they are I’ll have to ask you to leave.
TR: I do know.
KC: Ok, fine. First of all, CNN asks all of its women to show lots of skin. It’s in their contract. It’s their way to get good ratings but I’m not about to stoop that low. Secondly, Larry King will probably never retire. I could do his show with my eyes closed, but he just refuses to retire. He is such a terrible man – I heard he’s been married ten times. What would he do in retirement, go get married again?
TR: Does he have high ratings?
KC: Not from the ex-spouses. And, I don’t know if they would pay me enough to take over his show.
TR: What about NPR?
KC: I don’t do radio. My good looks would be wasted there.
TR: I understand. Thank you so much.

KC: Thank you.

Fidel Castro interview

2009-03-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 4 - February 19, 2008

Good morning Coffee Club members. It is not often that our Timid Reporter© takes the initiative to do a story for us (as a matter of fact, he never has), but, evidently inspired by recent events in Cuba, he did just that this time. The Club could not cover his expenses (except for bus fare to the airport) for the long trip so he extended himself a loan to cover them. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Castro?
FC: Que es esto hombre??? Who in heaven’s name do you think I am??? Of course I’m Fidel Castro.
TR: I’m sorry. I always have to make absolutely sure.
FC: You know, I used to have two doubles – just in case – but they died a long time ago. One of them was poisoned by the CIA.
TR: I understand. I won’t take too much of your time because I know you’re not feeling well.
FC: Who told you that? It’s a big lie. I feel in good spirits and I’m doing well – my doctors tell me I’ll outlive all the leaders of the so-called free world.
TR: That’s a lot of leaders.
FC: No, no, my friend, those are not leaders, they’re puppets of the people. And not only that, they pretend to serve the very people they exploit.
TR: But, you have been in power for fifty years.
FC: I don’t see your point, but I am very, very popular and I don’t have to pretend to like or serve anybody.
TR: Yes, of course. I have seen your picture all over Havana. My background notes tell me you have decided to retire?
FC: Yes, but the pictures, the murals, the banners – all that will stay. They will serve the glorious revolution. Also, my poor brother Raul is not very photogenic.
TR: He might not appreciate your saying that.
FC: So … don’t print it.
TR: Ok, I won’t.
FC: I appreciate your candor and simplicity, sir. You are a decent Americano.
TR: Will you be taking it easy, going out to the countryside to relax?
FC: No, I’m going to write another book. If Clinton can do it, so can I.
TR: Is there anything about the U.S. that you like?
FC: Yes, absolutely my friend. I like Madonna.
TR: The singer?
FC: No, the hamburger.
TR: You mean McDonald’s.
FC: Yes, Madonna. I still eat them. My special courier brings them to me whenever I have a craving. I’m lucky that Miami is so close. I order them and they arrive in thirty minutes, then I stick them in the micro. Delicioso!!!
TR: You are very resourceful.
FC: I have to be. Che and I survived in the jungle for years on our wits alone. Poor Che, I remember him fondly. He will be in my book.
TR: Will you have pictures in the book? I like books with pictures.
FC: There will be plenty of pictures. You should see my photo albums. Mao is there, and Nikita, and Yeltsin, and Ho, and Che, and Josip and so many others from the old days.
TR: You don’t have Stalin? I remember him. I have an autographed picture of Trotsky with Frida Kahlo – dedicated to me, when I lived in Mexico City.
FC: You must be very old – older than I. How is that possible? Give me the picture. I could use it for my book.
TR: Yes, gladly. It’s black and white, is that OK?
FC: My dear friend, we are not particular about color. If the revolution has taught us anything, it’s that technology is a tool of the classes.
TR: Even color photography?
FC: Yes, even color photography. You have to see the big panorama of humanity, of society. Any time that someone comes out with a new gadget, a new device, a new tool, even a new magazine, rest assured that it will be used to lull the masses to sleep, to keep them in their place. That way, the classes can ride around in their fancy cars and live in their fancy houses with their color photography. Simplicity my friend, that’s the nature of Communism. Back to the Earth - back to the soil.
TR: So, will everybody be a farmer?
FC: No, no, no, only those who are good at it. You work at what you are capable of doing. Then everybody shares in the fruits of your labor.
TR: So, if I work hard and make lots of money I have to share my paycheck with a farmer?
FC: Yes, but he shares his corn and wheat and sweet potatoes with you.
TR: But, I get that at the supermarket.
FC: You do not understand.
TR: I guess not. What if someone is kind of lazy and doesn’t work all that hard?
FC: We put him in jail.
TR: I think I have to be leaving now.
FC: Buy my book, it will explain everything.
TR: I will send you some McDonald’s coupons when I get to Miami.
FC: Thank you my friend. You are very kind. The reporter must still be waiting outside. Please tell him to come in on your way out. Adios.

Open letter to Carlos Slim

2009-02-21T14:26:00.001-08:00

This letter was published in a Mexican newspaper (probably in Mexico City) on February 15, 2009. Denise Dresser (at left) is a journalist and a political science professor, but that's all I know of her. The Spanish version of this is in my other blog. It was not easy to translate.

Open letter to Carlos Slim: By Denise Dresser

Dear Sir: I write this as a citizen, a consumer, a Mexican worried about the destiny of my country and about the role you play in its present and its future. I have thoroughly read every word you pronounced in the Forum “What To Do To Grow” and I have reflected on their implications. Your position about diverse themes made me remember that famous phrase attributed to the president of General Motors that said: “What’s good for General Motors is good for the United States." And I believe that you think something similar: what is good for Carlos Slim, for Telmex, Telcel and Grupo Carso is good for Mexico. But it is not so. You perceive that you are part of the solution when actually you are part of the problem; you think yourself a statesman with the capacity to diagnose the evils of the country when you have actually contributed to produce them; you see yourself as an indispensable rescuer when you are actually a critical obstacle. There the contradictions lay, the lapses and distortions that plagued your speech. You say that it is necessary to transform an urban and industrial society to one tertiary society, of services, of technology, and of knowledge. That is certain. But in Mexico, that transition becomes difficult in proportion with costs of telecommunications that are so high: where telephone service is so expensive, and penetration of broadband Internet is so low. That is the result of the dominance that you and your companies have in the market. In a few words, in the speech, you propose something that you are actually dedicated to prevent. You emphasize the imperative to foment productivity and competition, but throughout the years you have fought and been protected in courts before regulatory efforts that look for precisely that. You applaud competition, but only as long as it is not promoted in your sector. You say that it is not necessary to worry about the growth of the Gross Domestic Product; that the most important thing is to take care of the jobs that people like you provide. But it is indeed the lack of economic growth that has been behind the low generation of jobs in Mexico for years. And the lack of growth is directly tied with the persistence of anti-competitive practices that people like you justify. You send a message that foreign investment must be viewed with fear and ambivalence. You say that “the modern companies are the old armies; armies that conquered territories and received tribute." You hope that we do not enter a stage of “Sell Mexico” to foreign investors and you lobby so that foreign investment is not allowed in fixed telephone services. But at the same time, you have just invested millions of dollars in the United States: in The New York Times, the Saks stores, and Citigroup. From this incongruous perspective, foreign investment is worthy and must be applauded when you invest in another country, but it must be rejected in Mexico. You reiterate that “we need to be competitive in this society of knowledge and we need competition; I am in agreement with competition." But at the same time, in recent days, you have shown your open opposition to an effort to foment it, disqualifying, for example, the Plan of Interconnection that looks for a level playing field. You say that it is indispensable to help small and medium-sized companies, but simultaneously, your company - Telmex - imposes high costs of telecommunications on those same companies that impedes their growth and expansion. You say that the middle-class has grown smaller, that “people do not have income", that there must be better distribution of income. The diagnosis is correct, but it is surprising to see the lack of understanding on how you contribute to that situation. The president of the Federal Commission on Competition explains it with great clarity: consumers spend 40 percent more than they would through the lack of competition in sectors like telecommunications. And the poor pay an even higher price. You suggest the main reasons for Mexico’s troubles reside in the government: the inefficiency of the governmental bureaucracy, corruption, the inadequate infrastructure, the lack of access to financing, the crime, and the public monopolies. Without a doubt all of this contributes to the lack of competitiveness. But private monopolies like yours also contribute. You speak of the necessity “to review an economic model imposed as if it were ideological dogma" that has produced mediocre growth. But indeed that model - of regulatory insufficiency and governmental collusion - is the very one that has allowed people like you to accumulate the fortune that you have today, estimated at 59 billion dollars. From your point of view, the model is bad, but it is not necessary to change it in whatever particular form it allows you to accumulate wealth. A precise review of your words and of your performance for more than one decade reveal a serious problem: there is a breach between the perception that you have of yourself and the injurious impact of your performance; there is a contradiction between what you propose and how you act; you suffer a myopia that lets you see the straw in other people's eyes and to ignore the beam in your own. You see yourself like a great man with great ideas that deserve to be listened to. But that day before the deputies, before the senators, and before public opinion, you did not speak of the great investments that you were going to make, of the fantastic projects of infrastructure that you were going to promote, of the jobs that you were going to create, of social commitment in the face of the crisis which you would engage, of the characteristics of the new economic model that you would promise to support. In place of it, you threatened us. You spoke – in words more or less to the effect – that the economic situation would get worse and that in the face of that, nobody should touch your business, nobody should regulate it, should question it, should force it to compete. And, since on the following day the government published the Plan for Telephone Interconnection that would seek to force competition; you, in response, announced that Telmex would trim its plans for investment. You, of a whole body, acted like someone ready to do damage to Mexico if he does not obtain what he wants, when he wants it. You had the opportunity to grow and instead you shrank. Without a doubt, you have a right to promote your interests, but the problem is that you do it at the expense of the country. You have a right to express your ideas, but given your behavior, it is difficult to see you as an altruistic and disinterested actor, who only looks for the betterment of Mexico. You, without a doubt have a singular and praiseworthy talent: you know when, how, and where to invest. But another, less attractive characteristic unfolds: You know when, how and where to press and to scam the legislators, the regulators, the media, the judges, the journalists, the leftist intelligentsia, which allow themselves to be guided by a misunderstood nationalism and for that reason, accept the exploitation of a Mexican because – at least he is not foreign. You will probably shrug off this letter in a thousand ways, as you disqualify the criticisms of others. You will say that I am one of those that envy your fortune, or that I have some personal problem, or that I am resentful. But it is not thus. I write with the annoyance shared by millions of Mexicans tired of the exorbitant accounts they pay; tired of the tiresome contracts they sign; tired of the rents they transfer; tired of the rapacious companies they suffer; tired of the government employees who from time to time criticize the monopolies but do little to dismantle them. I write with sadness and frustration, and the disappointment that it produces, to be witness to conduct which could better be - conduct that could be dedicated to innovate instead of blocking - that could compete successfully but prefers to protect itself constantly – a person who could give much to the country but who chooses to keep milking it – one who could become a more influential philanthropist but who instead insists on being an insensible plutocrat. John F. Kennedy said that great crises produce great men. It is a pity that at this critical moment for Mexico, you insist on showing us that you do not aspire to that. Denise Dresser

Danica Patrick interview

2009-02-18T21:47:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 26 - April 20, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Danica Patrick?
DP: Yes, I am. Do I look like Madonna? I’ll show you my I.D.
TR: No, no, it’s just a formality. I know who you are.
DP: I’m the best female driver of all time, right?
TR: That’s saying a lot.
DP: Do you know a few female drivers?
TR: I’ve seen thousands on the freeway.
DP: I meant professional racing drivers like me.
TR: You’re the only one I ever heard of. I also saw your picture in Sports Illustrated.
DP: I thought that was nice.
TR: You are so pretty. I forgot what I did with my questions.
DP: Don’t worry about your questions. Let’s just talk about whatever.
TR: I read that you make more money advertising yourself than from winning races.
DP: Well, it all ties in. Even if I haven’t won the big one yet, there’s no reason not to get some endorsement money, don’t you think?
TR: I don’t know.
DP: Well, I do. People think I’m better at promoting myself than I am at my sport. Let them think that. I just won my first Indy Series race in Japan. That should say something about me. Even Tiger Woods doesn’t win all the time. I’m only 25. I have another 45 good years ahead of me still. I can’t just use part of who I am to earn a living. My talent rep wants to market all of me - nothing wrong with that.
TR: Do you think people will be jealous of your success?
DP: I try not to think about it. For me, it’s just competition – the whole competitive spirit in people. People will criticize me regardless. I will continue to have fun and enjoy what I do.
TR: Does your husband like it?
DP: Yes, absolutely. He’s at every race. He loves it almost as much as I do. He gets a thrill from every single one of my accomplishments.
TR: Is it boring going around the track over and over and over?
DP: Actually, if you stop to think about it, every job is like that.
TR: Yes, but most jobs aren’t as high risk as yours.
DP: What can I say? I get a charge from it. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
TR: Maybe 55.
DP: How would you like doing 355?
TR: I wouldn’t be able to eat for a week.
DP: No. I would start you at 60 and gradually move you up. By the end, you would be addicted. You wouldn’t be able to live without the rush. Of course, you would need to think very, very, very fast.
TR: That disqualifies me right there.
DP: Well, not everyone is made for racing. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl.
TR: You have already set some records.
DP: Yes, but only because I am one of the few female drivers. I would most like to break the men’s records.
TR: How is it you’re not afraid of the danger?
DP: I have a passion when it comes to fighting fear. I am a warrior when I get behind the wheel.
TR: Yet, you would not pose for Playboy.
DP: That’s not the same kind of fear.
TR: What fear is that?
DP: My husband would leave me.
TR: That’s not easy to understand – how you can be so brave on the one hand and so afraid on the other.
DP: No, but just to give you an example of how dicey this fear thing is, I read that Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Lots of famous actors are actually very shy and insecure people, too, except when they’re in front of the camera.
TR: What if a racing accident ended up hurting you?
DP: I don’t think about it – just like you. Haven’t you ever photographed a war zone?
TR: No.
DP: Oh, man. How can you say you’re a photographer if you always play it safe? What do you take pictures of, birthday parties?
TR: Fights sometimes break out at parties. I’ve lost three cameras that way.
DP: Ok, I’ll give you credit for that, but in my next race, I want you next to me photographing every moment of the race.
TR: It’s a very tempting offer. I will have to think about it for a month. I’m sure I’ll need medication.
DP: No, no, no – no medication.
TR: Well, at the very least, let me increase the amount of life insurance I have.
DP: No problem.
TR: You’re not planning to retire any time soon.
DP: Are you kidding? I said I have at least another 45 years left in me. I want to race until the very end. The races may be different, but I’ll be racing.
TR: For instance?
DP: Well, this is still secret, but we are planning long distance races in lower outer space – like NASCAR in the sky sort of thing. Our biggest backer is Richard Branson.
TR: What will you be racing?
DP: Planes, of course - 747s or SSTs or modified F16s, but please don’t print any of this yet.
TR: I won’t. May I take your picture now?
DP: With or without my top?
TR: Without.
DP: Ok, but don’t print it.
TR: Don’t worry, Ms Patrick, I won’t. Thank you.
DP: Thank you, sir.

Hugo Chavez interview

2009-02-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 9 - March 19, 2008

The following is the only-slightly-edited interview done almost a year ago with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. For security reasons, we cannot disclose precisely when the interview took place. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Chavez?
HC: Of course. I’m Hugo Chavez!! Para que pregunta hombre? You may call me Hugo. Consider me your friend.
TR: I don’t know how to be informal with famous or powerful people. I would be more comfortable with President Chavez.
HC: I am President Chavez.
TR: That’s not what I meant.
HC: Explain yourself hombre. Don’t be afraid.
TR: I have trouble with that.
HC: Let me tell you a story. I used to stutter. Would you believe that?
TR: No.
HC: Well, just believe it. Kids used to make fun of me until the day I met this very nice girl who told me she would cure me of the problem. I was only fourteen and I knew nothing about girls so I just laughed at her. Do you hear me stuttering any more?
TR: No sir.
HC: Well, she cured me.
TR: How?
HC: Use your imagination hombre. By seven o’clock that afternoon I was free of my little problem. Needless to say, I have been grateful to her ever since. She is now my Assistant Secretary of Labor.
TR: You’re a very nice man.
HC: That’s what I keep trying to tell the world. Let me ask you a favor, I would prefer this interview be done in Spanish.
TR: I am not fluent…. My eight readers won’t understand a word.
HC: Don’t use excuses, just make the effort.
TR: Ok. Esta bien, Mr. Presidente.
HC: You see. You have lost your fear. I was just testing you.
TR: You made me believe.
HC: I’m a good poker player – the best in all of Venezuela.
TR: I can see why.
HC: I read your interview of Fidel.
TR: How did that happen? You’re not a member of the Coffee Club.
HC: I have sources all over my friend. Even Putin calls me for information. I’m like your IRS, FBI, CIA, ICE, NSC, NSA, DIA, and Army Corp. of Engineers combined.
TR: I have never interviewed them.
HC: You never will. They are too embarrassed by what happened to your beautiful New Orleans.
TR: You keep yourself informed of everything?
HC: Not only that, I am presently studying four languages. I have a special tutor – a beautiful Swedish woman who is fluent in fourteen languages.
TR: Which languages are you studying?
HC: German, Russian, French, and Chinese.
TR: No Swedish?
HC: I’m learning that informally, as we go along.
TR: I think I know what you mean.
HC: It doesn’t matter. It’s confidential and you can’t publish that.
TR: I won’t.
HC: The important thing is that I have come to realize that it’s very hard to understand a culture completely unless you speak the language. That’s the secret code, if you will.
TR: Is that why President Bush doesn’t understand you?
HC: No. He just has a problem understanding anything.
TR: He won’t like what you just said.
HC: Does he read your newsletter?
TR: I don’t think so.
HC: Well then, don’t worry. If he makes trouble for you, you can come live in Venezuela.
TR: Can I write for the newspapers here, Mr. President?
HC: You can do whatever you like. This is a free country.
TR: I would like to work for El Sistema.
HC: You have heard of it. Good. That’s one of our many success stories. We have placed thousands of children in these huge orchestras to learn music and art instead of violence. You don’t see them out in the streets demonstrating, do you? We are now studying the possibility of starting a Sistema for adults. The only trouble is they’re too lazy to practice.
TR: How do you know?
HC: Maestro Dudamel told me so.
TR: Where would you get so many instruments?
HC: That’s not a problem - mostly out of Germany, Russia, and Cuba. One of my cousins takes care of all the imports into Venezuela and the government pays for everything.
TR: Do you have a favorite in the upcoming elections in the U.S.?
HC: Right now, that’s too touchy a subject so I won’t answer that. Besides, I am not one to interfere in the internal affairs of other countries.
TR: Thank you, sir. You have been most gracious.
HC: Come back soon my friend. Vaya con Dios.

Off Street Journal

2009-02-15T07:37:00.000-08:00

Correspondents around the globe? We don't have any. We leave that to the big boys. We're here to make fun of them - the posturing, the pretense, the commercialism. PLEASE. The only correspondent we use is the Timid Reporter. That's enough for us and (besides) he's the only one we can afford - really. Even when he's not entirely sober, the man is as honest as the day is long. He may be timid, but he's not naive and he's not afraid. On top of that, he is so old (he'll be 232 in July) he's the only correspondent in the world who can claim to have lived history, not just read about it in a book.

Barbara Walters interview

2009-02-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 30 - May 2, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Barbara Walters?
BW: Oh, please. I’m sure I’m still recognizable despite my age. Do come in and make yourself comfortable.
TR: I didn’t mean to….
BW: Don’t worry about it. Everybody gets old. Someday, even you will be old.
TR: I am already. I remember the Civil War.
BW: That’s impossible. You must have dreamt it. I’ve known a lot of people over the years and I know first hand from one famous Hindu doctor….
TR: I still have my Union Army uniform from the war, and….
BW: Does it still fit?
TR: Yes it does.
BW: That’s amazing. How can that be?
TR: I’m supposed to be asking the questions.
BW: Yes, of course, it’s just that I can’t help myself…. You could have made a fortune interviewing those famous people – Lincoln, Grant, Lee,…
TR: I didn’t know how to read or write.
BW: Oh,…. I guess that would have been a handicap for anybody.
TR: You started out as a writer.
BW: How is it you don’t show your real age?
TR: I come from a family of long-lived people.
BW: But you have short legs….
TR: Long-lived, not long-limbed….
BW: You have a tendency to mumble.
TR: I’m not the only one…..
BW: I beg your pardon ….
TR: I didn’t mean it in a bad way….
BW: Never mind. I’m very, very interested in how a man – a person – any person – can stay so young for so long.
TR: I’m not young.
BW: Well, ok – let’s just say young-looking.
TR: As I said, my family tree has several ….
BW: There has to be more to it than that.
TR: I have taken Chinese herbs for a long time….
BW: I knew China would come into the picture sooner or later. Tell me more. I’m dying to know.
TR: Most of the herbs are fairly common, but they are prepared in combination with the bark of a rare tree found only in the Himalayas.
BW: What kind of tree?
TR: I can’t say. My cousin sends me the herbs from Thailand.
BW: Is this some sort of secret?
TR: I would tell you if I knew.
BW: Why isn’t it on the market? I mean, it would make you rich.
TR: There’s only one tree left.
BW: So there’s not enough to go around? Is that what you’re saying?
TR: I don’t know.
BW: Is it a big tree?
TR: I can’t say.
BW: You can’t say or you won’t say? Surely you can tell me. I’m not Connie Chung.
TR: Who’s Connie Chung?
BW: You know, technically, this is not a Chinese tree.
TR: I wouldn’t lie to you. I think it’s in Tibet.
BW: The Himalayas are in Nepal. Didn’t you stop to consider that?
TR: I don’t know….
BW: Have you ever talked to the Dalai Lama?
TR: No, but I interviewed Nancy Pelosi and she talked to the Dalai Lama.
BW: I know Nancy. She must know something about this. How did we get off on this tangent?
TR: You asked about my age.
BW: Do you have a picture of this tree?
TR: My cousin’s sister-in-law might have one.
BW: Where does she live?
TR: In Nepal, right on the border with Tibet.
BW: What does she do there?
TR: She works for the U.N.
BW: Are you on friendly terms with her?
TR: I’m on friendly terms with everybody.
BW: Can you get her on the phone?
TR: I’m sure my cousin can.
BW: What does your cousin do?
TR: He works for the U.N.
BW: I know Kofi Annan.
TR: Coffee who?
BW: This will be much easier than I thought. Can you tell me more?
TR: Well, the herbs can be taken as a tea or they can be smoked.
BW: Would you happen to have some on you?
TR: Yes.
BW: May I see a sample?
TR: When can I start asking you some questions?
BW: We might not have time for that. Can you come back another time? I would love to continue our talk.
TR: I will show you the sample when I come back.
BW: How about your cousin’s name and phone number?
TR: That too. Thank you so much for your time.

George Soros interview

2009-02-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 45 - July 14, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you George Soros?
GS: Who let you in?
TR: I’m sorry, I thought you knew….
GS: You look Republican. This apartment is not open to Republicans.
TR: I’m neither Republican nor Democrat.
GS: You’re one of those scary Independents then.
TR: I’m just a photographer.
GS: Where’s your camera?
TR: It’s broken.
GS: What’s that under your arm?
TR: It’s my tape recorder.
GS: It’s rather bulky for a tape recorder.
TR: I bought it in 1967.
GS: No wonder. You know, 1967 is when I made my first million.
TR: May I come in?
GS: Let me get the butler to come open the door.
TR: Why don’t you open it yourself?
GS: My servants do that sort of thing.
TR: Ok, I can wait.
GS: There, now you may come inside. Sit over by the fireplace where we can see you.
TR: We?
GS: You speak French.
TR: Yes.
GS: I speak four languages, including Esperanto – Hungarian, Russian, and English.
TR: English is good.
GS: Did you know I broke the Bank of England?
TR: I heard, yes.
GS: It was accidental but people gave me credit for it.
TR: You are the author of many books.
GS: …and many speeches, essays, and magazine articles.
TR: Do you consider yourself an influential man?
GS: What do you think? I brought down the Soviet Union.
TR: I thought Gorbachev did that.
GS: No, no - I financed the opposition that put all the pressure on the poor man – pressure from all sides. It didn’t just happen – someone had to pay for it. No matter what anybody says, people don’t risk their lives for nothing.
TR: So you bankrolled the leaders of all the opposition movements?
GS: Not just me, there were others.
TR: …co-conspirators?
GS: That sounds like something a Republican would say. Reagan knew what I was up to. He was behind me all the way.
TR: Can I print that?
GS: No. Let’s play it safe.
TR: Ok. Can we discuss the Open Society Institute?
GS: Sure, the OSI is one of my favorite projects.
TR: Some people say it’s not as open to public scrutiny as its mission statement purports it to be.
GS: Stulta Respublikano perfidulo.
TR: What?
GS: You don’t speak Esperanto?
TR: No.
GS: Everyone should speak Esperanto.
TR: Why?
GS: Because that’s what I speak – it’s my favorite language – so mellifluous and sweet. It’s the language of the future.
TR: Do your children speak it?
GS: Only when they don’t want any eavesdroppers to understand what they’re saying.
TR: What are the chances?
GS: Well, around the world, only 748 people speak it fluently and most of them live in Lithuania. Unfortunately, my father miscalculated. He ordered forty million Esperanto dictionaries printed. He thought it would be the universal language by 2004. He had this gift for speculating about things – maybe time will prove him right still.
TR: Or, it may become extinct.
GS: No, no, no. As long as books exist, it will not be forgotten - just like me.
TR: What will happen to your projects after you’re gone?
GS: I’m not going anywhere.
TR: I meant after you die.
GS: I don’t believe in death.
TR: But, you’ll be seventy eight next month.
GS: Well, I could be eighteen or one hundred ninety – it’s all the same to me. I still don’t believe I’m going to die. OSI is financing a top secret technology project. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.
TR: Ok, I’ll take your word for it.
GS: You’re talking about the best investor who ever lived. I can’t die. Read my books.
TR: How about Warren Buffett?
GS: He’s a beginner. You’re comparing a rock to a diamond.
TR: What is your secret?
GS: Smart speculation.
TR: Making smart guesses?
GS: Absolutely - multiplying my money by guessing what something is going to be worth tomorrow - like oil for instance. I play poker with the world economy.
TR: You sound like a Republican.
GS: Jen amikino timema, in the world of finance, there are no political parties.
TR: Gracias Mr. Soros.

Mailer

2009-02-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

Norman Mailer said the following: "Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists." Who knows? It just might be true. Anyone who has ever been interviewed by the press probably feels it is quite true. The only book by Mailer that I've liked is the one on Picasso.

The Timid Reporter

2009-02-02T07:33:00.000-08:00

The Timid Reporter was born in Florence, Italy, on July 7, 1777. His father is Austrian and his mother was Gypsy. He is therefore half Gypsy and half Austrian, or the other way around. In the early Twentieth Century or thereabouts, he took a comprehensive correspondence course from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea, a school which is now defunct. As far as he knows, he is actually an accredited Journalist. He attributes his longevity to a family secret known only to himself, his father, his late mother, and two cousins. He has a steady gig with something called the Coffee Club Newsletter. The Timid Reporter never speaks for himself except in his interviews - such as they are. If you have any questions for him, ask them of me and I will see how I can get him to respond.

War

2009-02-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

A quote from Karl Kraus: "How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print." I don't know whether there's any truth to it. Probably not.

Sarah Palin interview

2009-02-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 47 - September 12, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Sarah Palin?
SP: Sarah Louise Heath Palin – yes, I am.
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter.
SP: Yes, you look the part. You’re two minutes late.
TR: I took the bus to get here and the bus was late.
SP: No, no, no – no excuses, sir.
TR: Ok, sorry. Where can I sit?
SP: One of these two chairs....
TR: They look pretty worn.
SP: Well, I haven’t gotten around to ordering my new furniture. I really haven’t had time to even look at catalogues, you know. I’ve been staying up late studying.
TR: What?
SP: Studying....
TR: Studying what?
SP: What do you think? Everything.....
TR: Do you think you’re a lightweight, as they say?
SP: I was told there would be no personal questions.
TR: That’s not what I meant.
SP: You’re not from Alaska – you don’t speak plainly.
TR: I was born in Florence.
SP: Where’s that?
TR: Italy.
SP: Of course. They are one of our allies.
TR: Can I have a beer?
SP: Absolutely not. Why would you even want a beer?
TR: Because I’m thirsty?
SP: No, that won’t do. I think you need some coffee. That’s what I think.
TR: Ok, I understand. Can I ask you about Wasilla?
SP: Sure, that’s my hometown.
TR: Were you a really tough Mayor?
SP: Only the people who got fired think so. I did what I had to do, that’s all. I balanced the budget, I cut taxes, I almost did away with the museum....
TR: You don’t like art?
SP: Of course I do - we have moose heads hanging on our walls all over the house.
TR: Do you enjoy firing people?
SP: I think I have a right to work with people who will work with me.
TR: People who always agree with you?
SP: I wouldn’t say always, but a good 99% of the time would be nice.
TR: But you have a reputation for being aggressive and controlling.
SP: I have a feeling you have been coached by the Obama people.
TR: They called you Sarah Barracuda in high school, no?
SP: Yes, but I also won the Miss Congeniality title in the Miss Alaska Pageant.
TR: Ok. Why don’t you like endangered species?
SP: I like all species – endangered or not. I just don’t think there are as many endangered species as they say. Maybe the human race is the most endangered species of all.
TR: How about the beluga whale?
SP: We have plenty of those.
TR: Why are you a member of the NRA?
SP: All true Republicans are, except maybe Joe Lieberman.
TR: Can I print that?
SP: You’d better not.
TR: Ok, I won’t. Why was it that you never had a passport?
SP: It’s not a crime not to have one.
TR: ...but, if you want to travel overseas.
SP: It’s not a crime not to travel overseas.
TR: I see.
SP: Many of our early American statesmen never travelled.
TR: Those were simpler times.
SP: Of course those were simpler times, but they also saw the need to stay close to home, to take care of the peoples’ needs first. Ambassadors used to travel, but not Presidents and certainly not Vice Presidents.
TR: You have been criticized for not knowing any heads of state. Do you think you could deal with Hugo Chavez?
SP: I have a few ideas but I can’t discuss them with you. Mr. Chavez can be temperamental, but there’s a reason for it – a very obvious reason. The man needs a stable social life.
TR: How do you know?
SP: A mother just knows these things. Besides, the CIA gave me a full briefing on him this morning.
TR: Do you think Hillary resents you?
SP: Hillary who?
TR: Never mind. Are you concerned about global warming?
SP: There are two sides to that coin. Global warming can be bad but it can also be good.
TR: Yes?
SP: That’s all I’m going to say about it.
TR: Ok. Where do you stand on the war?
SP: I’m in favor of winning it.
TR: What do you think led you to where you are today?
SP: Term limits.
TR: Term limits?
SP: Certainly. If it hadn’t been for the term limits in Wasilla, I would have run again and again and again and today I would still be Mayor of Wasilla.
TR: Thank you so much Governor Palin.
SP: Thank you sir.

Baburova

2009-01-31T12:42:00.000-08:00

On January 19, 2009, Anastasia Baburova and Stanislav Markelov were shot to death while walking near the Kremlin (Moscow, Russia.) She was a reporter with the Novaya Gazeta (New Gazette) and he was a human rights attorney. People suspect that the murders were encouraged by political fringe groups with government ties. I would not know. Anastasia was only 25 and she used to report on government corruption and that sort of thing. I have a photo of the attorney's dead body lying on the sidewalk. It was on the front page of the Gazeta. I do not dare post it - even here. What purpose would it serve?

Jimmy Cayne interview

2009-01-29T18:09:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 8 - March 14, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. We have no comment on what follows. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Jimmy Cayne?
JC: Who are you?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter. I have an appointment.
JC: Since when? Nobody told me anything about it. Are you with the media?
TR: Yes, sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter.
JC: What is that, a financial paper of some sort?
TR: No sir, it’s the company in-house newsletter for coffee drinkers and subscribers.
JC: That doesn’t tell me a thing. How many readers do you have?
TR: Eight.
JC: This must be some sort of joke. Get out - I have a very important bridge game to play in an hour.
TR: But, don’t you care what happens to your company?
JC: What company? I have all my money in European stocks.
TR: Bear Stearns.
JC: Oh, that company. I’m no longer in charge. Go talk to Alan.
TR: Alan who?
JC: Alan Schwartz. Don’t you know anything?
TR: Yes, of course. Mr. Schwartz. I tried talking to him yesterday but he sent me to you.
JC: I don’t have any time for this. I have nothing more to do with Stearns. Leave now or I’ll have to call security.
TR: I’m not leaving – the butler told me how you win at bridge...
JC: …Ok, ok, sit over there. I’ll give you ten minutes.
TR: I just need five. I don’t have enough questions for ten. I do want a couple of beers please.
JC: Sure, I’ll have James bring them. Push that red button on your chair to summon him.
TR: Sure.
JC: Now, back to your questions.
TR: My readers would like to know how it is that while the company is losing so much money, there’s always enough to pay all the directors huge salaries.
JC: That’s not hard to answer. Do you know anything about hedge funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. How about short-term un-liquid periodic indexed debenture funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. We call those STUPID funds for short, by the way.
TR: I’m with you.
JC: Well, in the banking business, we’re constantly playing one set of funds against another. It’s sort of like betting the red and the black at the same time.
TR: I don’t understand.
JC: Don’t you ever gamble?
TR: No.
JC: No wonder. Let me try to explain. The reason we get paid so much money is that we are the only ones in the world who can handle the ultra complex processes of money management. I have barely scratched the surface and you are already at a loss.
TR: In more ways than one.
JC: Well, on top of that, there’s thousands of funds and hundreds of types of funds. On top of that, the game is on a global scale.
TR: So, it’s a lot of work?
JC: You have no idea, my friend. Do you ever invest?
TR: I have a savings account.
JC: You need more than that. If I had time, I would share a good tip with you.
TR: I’ll talk to the butler again if you don’t tell me. I want to make some money.
JC: Ok, ok, but you can’t print any of it.
TR: I won’t.
JC: Look up Mr. Octavian Shin in the Paris phone book. He is listed.
TR: Then what?
JC: Tell him client number 13 sent you. He will then give you the code for a Russian energy stock that pays 790%, guaranteed. You’ll be a millionaire in no time, especially the way oil has been going up lately.
TR: How much should I put in?
JC: Twenty thousand to start.
TR: I only have two hundred.
JC: Well, I can’t help you there.
TR: You can lend me the difference.
JC: I don’t make personal loans. Talk to Alan - he’s the risk taker.
TR: You’re the one who cheats at bridge.
JC: Ok, ok. I’ll write you a check.
TR: The check won’t bounce?
JC: It’s not a Bear Stearns check.
TR: I am grateful to you, Mr. Cayne.
JC: Remember, you just have to know where to park your money.
TR: I think I learned a lot today.
JC: Please give my kind regards to your eight readers. Have a nice day, sir. James will show you out.
TR: Thank you.

Newspapers

2009-01-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

Thomas Jefferson said: "The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers." That’s an obvious exaggeration, of course – no?

Surveys

2009-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

A quote from David Letterman: "USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." This reminds me of so many scientific studies that are done to determine the obvious.

Napoleon

2009-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

Napoleon Bonaparte once said that four hostile newspapers were more to be feared than a thousand bayonets. How did he know? AND, how about four friendly newspapers - what about them?

Hank Paulson interview

2009-01-25T19:06:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 48 - December 7, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Hank Paulson?
HP: Yes sir, and you must be Mr. Quan?
TR: No, I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
HP: Where’s Mr. Quan?
TR: I don’t know.
HP: So, why are you here in his place?
TR: I’m not taking his place – I’m here to do an interview with you.
HP: Oh, you’re that other guy. Do you care at all about global warming?
TR: May I come in?
HP: Only if you promise we’ll discuss climate change and the environment.
TR: We can discuss whatever you want to discuss.
HP: Step right this way.
TR: Wow, this looks like a greenhouse.
HP: It is.
TR: I’ve never seen so many indoor plants before.
HP: Wait ‘til you see the snakes.
TR: Snakes? How many snakes?
HP: Twenty six, but they are not all here – some we keep in the bedrooms.
TR: Oh.
HP: I know them all by name.
TR: One for each letter of the alphabet.
HP: How did you guess?
TR: I’m just good at guessing. How do you tell them apart?
HP: They’ve been in the family a number of years – after a while you just recognize them. It’s like telling your dollar bills apart. They’re all the same but they’re all different. There comes Chrimata now from under that fern.
TR: Chrimata?
HP: It’s the Greek word for “money.”
TR: I should have guessed.
HP: And Fiduciary is right behind her. Isn’t he cute?
TR: To me, they’re just snakes.
HP: You have a lot to learn. Let’s sit down in my study.
TR: Can I have a Corona Light?
HP: Sure. That’s my favorite beer - another lucky guess?
TR: No. I just like the way it tastes. I’m glad you have it in the house – even Buckingham Palace doesn’t stock it.
HP: You’ve been there?
TR: I interviewed the Queen.
HP: Sure you did.
TR: I don’t tell lies.
HP: You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: No, my father too.
HP: Really? And where might he be from?
TR: Austria, but he’s in the Himalayas right now.
HP: …doing?
TR: Collecting bark from an old tree.
HP: Is he a researcher, an environmental scientist?
TR: No, he needs it to stay alive.
HP: Is he ill?
TR: Not at all. He’s just really old. He will soon be 2000.
HP: 2000 years old?
TR: Yes.
HP: You know, I’ve been around a lot of bankers and finance people and business people almost all my life…
TR: Yes, I know.
HP: …I have learned to read them pretty well – perfectly, in fact. Even by the slightest inflection in their speech – I can tell when they’re trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Your story sounds very convincing – you’re either the world’s best liar or you’re telling me the absolute truth.
TR: Well, to me, it doesn’t matter at all what you think about me.
HP: You must not need any tips on the stock market.
TR: I just do interviews and take pictures whenever my camera is working.
HP: I can see you’re a simple man. You’re good for the environment.
TR: May I ask you about the financial collapse?
HP: Being that you’re a true environmentalist, you may ask me whatever you like.
TR: Thank you. My readers would like to know if the bailout money will really work to turn the economy around.
HP: No, of course it won’t. I had to find a way to protect my Asian friends from any defaults. That’s what that was about, not anything else. I know I’ve been criticized for being close to Wall Street, but everyone is close to something, no?
TR: Weren’t you partly responsible for the elimination of the net capital rule in 2004 - the thing that led to the credit crisis?
HP: Sure, sure, but let me tell you what that was about. When I was in the private sector, I lobbied hard against being overly regulated by the government. That’s all true. My mistake was in thinking that everybody in the investment business, when granted more freedom by the Feds, would act responsibly. Instead, they acted like thugs. They really let me down. I was in charge at Goldman Sachs and we stayed clear of the greediness and all those sham securities. That’s why it’s the only firm that survived. All those people who are now criticizing me don’t have a clue.
TR: May I print that?
HP: No, not all of it.
TR: Ok. What about John Ehrlichman?
HP: Who is he?
TR: He used to be your boss under Nixon?
HP: Oh, yes, I forgot. Some things just never go away, do they?
TR: You were almost caught up in Watergate.
HP: That was in 1972 – almost four decades ago. I was just a kid. John Dean cautioned me to keep away from the whole mess and I resented him for it because I wanted to get in on the action. He was a real snake.
TR: But, he saved your reputation.
HP: Without meaning to.
TR: Didn’t you later give him a job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs?
HP: No. I simply suggested to him that he go into banking – it was a perfect fit. The industry is full of weasels and snitches, you know.
TR: Maybe you’ve had too much beer?
HP: Don’t you want another Corona?
TR: I’m beginning to hear noises in my ears.
HP: Oh, don’t worry. They’re coming from my playroom next door. I have a collection of over a hundred ticker tape machines in there – the kind that every stock broker used to have. At precisely the same time every day, they start whirring away. I love those old machines. They were the internet of the old, old days.
TR: I remember them, of course. You know them all by name?
HP: No.
TR: When did you become concerned about the environment?
HP: When I learned that we were about to run out of oil. The next big money makers will be wind power generation and solar energy.
TR: What do you think is the ultimate power source?
HP: Washington politics.
TR: What about the people?
HP: If I’ve learned anything in the last fifty years, it’s that if you give people something to eat and something to talk about, they’re happy. 98 percent of them don’t even know who I am.
TR: But what about unemployment?
HP: Well, that won’t really become a problem unless it hits 50 percent. We may see a couple of riots here and there but I have set aside 997 billion for that worst-case scenario. Be that as it may, my private jet is on standby to take me and my family to Brazil on a moment’s notice.
TR: Do you have another residence there?
HP: Well, I really doubt that the Coffee Club would be interested in that but, for the record; we’ll just be doing a little environmental research near Rio. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a new species. I’m going to grab another beer and lie down, if you don’t mind.
TR: Thank you Mr. Paulson.
HP: Thank you, Mr. Quan.

Bernie Madoff interview

2009-01-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 49 - December 17, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bernard L. Madoff?
BM: Yes, but you don’t have to be so formal – call me Bernie, please.
TR: Yes sir. May I come in?
BM: Sure. Make yourself comfortable. I’ve been expecting you.
TR: It smells like apple cider in here.
BM: I hope you find it pleasant my friend.
TR: Yes, very pleasant.
BM: I would offer you some but I’m afraid we’ve run out of Styrofoam cups.
TR: Why not use a real cup?
BM: My wife won’t let me.
TR: Well, I drink beer anyway.
BM: Beer is bad for you.
TR: Not so far.
BM: Why do you say that?
TR: I’ve been drinking beer since 1798 and have not been badly affected.
BM: Is that so?
TR: Yes sir. I only stay away from dark ale.
BM: That’s very amusing although a little perplexing too because I know you can’t be conning me – I would be able to tell, you know. You don’t look more than forty years old.
TR: I suspect that’s probably true. You are a very shrewd and wise man.
BM: I know how men think and what they crave the most.
TR: You would have made a good psychologist.
BM: On the contrary – I think I would have made a good politician. A psychologist is easily fooled. A politician only pretends to be fooled – a politician is the greatest deceiver of all. He is the master of the ancient art of manipulation.
TR: Mr. Bloomberg might not appreciate your saying that about him.
BM: I can always say I was misquoted.
TR: But my readers know I’m very careful.
BM: Sure, but he’s not one of your readers. What are people saying about me anyway?
TR: That you’re a schemer, a deceiver, a thief, a fool, a fixer, a flake, and a fraud.
BM: Well, that’s not too bad though I don’t really care what people think. I only care about what my own family thinks.
TR: They are the ones who said it. It’s in The New York Times.
BM: How can they be so ungrateful?
TR: The New York Times?
BM: No, my sons.
TR: …Ruth and your sister and your niece, too.
BM: Well, shame on them for kicking a man when he’s down - a poor elderly man.
TR: Do you think you’ll end up in prison?
BM: You mean, die in prison? Of course not. What do you think lawyers are for? By the time we get done with all the appeals, I’ll be ninety five. I just hope they can save my licenses. I might go work at Merrill Lynch or Bear Stearns or Lehman - as a partner, of course.
TR: They no longer exist.
BM: What are you saying - since when?
TR: About four months ago.
BM: Are you serious? What is this world coming to?
TR: I think they went bankrupt.
BM: I remember hearing something about it. You know, I haven’t read much in the last three years – not even the financial papers. I simply haven’t had the time.
TR: What have you been doing?
BM: Doing? Doing a lot of bookkeeping, that’s what I’ve been doing.
TR: Didn’t you have people doing that for you?
BM: They couldn’t be trusted with the Ascot accounts.
TR: A lot of your friends are angry with you.
BM: How come they weren’t mad at me when I was making them a ton of money? Do they expect me to apologize?
TR: They want their money back.
BM: Sure, sure, everybody does. Don’t they realize that asking for their money back is what caused this whole enterprise to collapse in the first place? It was like a run on the bank. I warned them. Don’t cash out, don’t cash out – wait for a scheduled distribution. Be patient. Instead, it was like a stampede of wildebeest.
TR: Didn’t you at least have a few billion left?
BM: Sure I did, but I had to pay as many people as I could before word got out that I was insolvent.
TR: Who?
BM: My closest friends.
TR: Like who?
BM: Let’s just say Bloomberg, Trump, Schumer, and Kennedy got taken care of.
TR: …Because you didn’t want to cross them or what?
BM: No, I didn’t. They’re a mean bunch – more cold-blooded and ruthless than I am, especially that Caroline girl.
TR: What about Clinton?
BM: The Clintons took their money out two months ago - even Chelsea.
TR: Maybe they knew something….
BM: Of course they knew – everybody knew. Nobody’s that dumb.
TR: And the SEC auditors?
BM: They were somewhat incompetent, but I also think they had their doubts - you know how the government is – if you have enough clout, you have nothing to fear from them. I just told them that if they wrote me up I would go above their heads. They wrote their reports full of imprecise and equivocating double talk – you know, maybe this and perhaps that; it appears that and it seems like – really vague stuff, nothing you could sink your teeth into. Naturally, the upper guys let me off the hook every time. There was a lot of gray in those reports. I also let some of the SEC higher ups invest with me.
TR: Really?
BM: Sure. Would I lie about something like that?
TR: How did you fool the sophisticated investors and hedge fund managers?
BM: Easy.
TR: How?
BM: Look, let me give you an example. I’ve been around financial jargon all my life. I know how people react to it. When they don’t understand it, they get frustrated and would rather be gored by a bull than be made to feel dumb. I will give you an introduction to my investment strategy and you tell me when to stop.
TR: Ok.
BM: Typically, a position in an Ascot Partners account will consist of the ownership of 30 to 35 S&P 100 stocks, most of them correlated to that index, the sale of out-of-the-money calls on the index, and the purchase of out-of-the-money puts on the index. The sale of the calls is designed to increase the rate of return, while allowing upward movement of the stock portfolio to the strike price of the calls. The puts, funded in large part by the sale of the calls, limit the portfolio's downside or risk ratio. A simple split-strike trade involves buying a stock at price X, selling a call option with a price Y which is above X, and purchasing a put option with a strike price Z which is below X. If the price of the stock is above Y at expiration, the stock will be called away and the investor receives Y for the stock. If the price is below Z at expiration, the put can be exercised and Z received in cash. This effectively caps the maximum gain….
TR: Stop. Please.
BM: I could go on like that for hours.
TR: I believe you.
BM: So the idiots would just say to me: “Bernie, don’t bother to explain all this to us, we trust you, you’re a genius, just send us any gains.”
TR: Do you have any words of advice for my eight readers?
BM: Tell them they’re lucky to be poor.
TR: Thank you Bernie.
BM: Thank you my friend and sorry about the cider.

Nancy Pelosi Interview

2009-01-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 12 - March 21, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Nancy Pelosi?
NP: Yes, I’m Speaker Pelosi.
TR: May I come in?
NP: What do you want here?
TR: I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment.
NP: Would you mind waiting in the foyer? I have to check with someone about this.
TR: Ok. I’ll finish my beer out here.
NP: You shouldn’t be drinking this time of day, especially not that yucky beer.
TR: That’s all I can afford.
NP: Well, it doesn’t look good.
TR: I’m almost done.
NP: Fine. Why did you want to talk to me?
TR: I had an appointment to do a short interview.
NP: You don’t look like a reporter.
TR: I have a diploma from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.
NP: Are you a spy?
TR: No. I don’t even carry a magnifying lens. I just have a camera and my recorder.
NP: That doesn’t make you a journalist.
TR: I don’t know anything else.
NP: Try running for office.
TR: Are you serious?
NP: No, of course not.
TR: How long will I have to stand here?
NP: Hillary hasn’t picked up yet. Let me try again.
TR: Hillary who?
NP: Clinton.
TR: Oh. Why do you have to ask her?
NP: You don’t need to know that.
TR: Sorry.
NP: She’s not answering. She must be very busy. Maybe I’ll just have to trust you. Leave all your equipment outside. No cameras, no cell phones, no tape recorders…. Everything will be off the record, understand?
TR: Yes. May I come in now?
NP: Go ahead; just don’t sit on any of the sofas.
TR: Ok.
NP: How long will this take?
TR: Two minutes.
NP: Go.
TR: Where?
NP: Oh my. Ask me your questions.
TR: I understand that you have been talking to the Dalai Lama.
NP: Yes, he is such a lovely man.
TR: Did you discuss the situation in Tibet?
NP: We touched on the subject of course, but we also spoke about other things.
TR: Can you elaborate?
NP: Yes, but I won’t. You don’t really need to know.
TR: Is he as charming as they say?
NP: Much more than they say. He understands everything with what I would call super clarity. We meditated together.
TR: But you also talked?
NP: I did most of the talking.
TR: I understand.
NP: What do you mean by that?
TR: Nothing. I just said I understood.
NP: Well, don’t print it. It sounds sinister.
TR: I won’t print it. I just figured that since you are the speaker….
NP: Fine.
TR: Did he complain about the Chinese?
NP: No, I wouldn’t say that. He is very patient and serene. You should buy his books.
TR: I can’t afford them.
NP: I would lend you some but I don’t trust you. You would never return them.
TR: You are assuming I’m forgetful.
NP: That and much more.
TR: I don’t understand.
NP: Good. It’s better for you.
TR: So you were impressed with the Dalai Lama?
NP: I already knew him from a previous incarnation. I think the Chinese have orchestrated some very horrible things in Tibet and they had better get out soon before President Bush hears of it.
TR: What would be wrong with that?
NP: He might decide to send troops. It would be a nightmare.
TR: So, what is your suggestion?
NP: I won’t know until Hillary calls me back.
TR: I hear your phone ringing. Good bye and thank you so much.
NP: Hello? Hillary?

The Timid Reporter

2009-01-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Off Street Journal

2009-01-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

The Off Street Journal likes to make fun of serious absurdities. Somebody once said that there were only two things everyone needed to be serious about - as soon as they could remember what those two things were they would let us know. You get the point. Let the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and the Christian Science Monitor and The Economist and TIME and Newsweek and Portfolio and the Chicago Tribune do all the serious stuff. We'll take care of the fluff. They might soon be extinct anyway.

Journalism

2009-01-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

So - what is journalism? Nobody knows. You think, you research, you write, and you get paid. You write hoping not to offend too many people because you could end up getting fired and not get paid. It is kind of self serving, no? Let us not pretend we do it for the love of writing. We do it to get paid - like everything else.

Test 2

2009-01-23T08:53:00.001-08:00

Do not read this - I'm still playing with it. Let's see what it will do if I post a picture. I think I still have to bold the text itself. It won't do it automatically. No problem. I have to adjust the margins manually, too. No problem. I have to do my own writing. No problem. I have to do my own research. No problem. I have already modified the template twice. It looks kind of nice. Here we go!!!

Testing the waters

2009-01-22T10:25:00.000-08:00

Do not read this - it is just a test - testing - TESTING - 123 - do not read this - I will attempt to set fonts and colors and that sort of thing. 123 - 123