Robert Mugabe Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 3 – July 20, 2009

Another interview from the Timid Reporter… Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon sir. Are you President Mugabe?
RM: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t?
TR: I would say you’re pulling my leg.
RM: You’re a born diplomat my good sir.
TR: Thank you. Can we sit down?
RM: Yes, of course, but first come in please. I hope my security staff doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
TR: Not at all. I know there are forty four of them – I’m not going to try anything.
RM: You actually counted them!! I didn’t even notice. That’s very good.
TR: Well, I’m half Gypsy.
RM: Roma!!! Well, I’m all African. You’re welcome in my country.
TR: I know you only allowed either four questions or six minutes so may I get started?
RM: Which do you choose?
TR: The six minutes.
RM: I’ll warn you my answers can be lengthy.
TR: Ok, then, I’ll take the four questions.
RM: That’s the smart thing. Go ahead.
TR: Why can’t Zimbabwe feed itself?
RM: Its farmers can’t grow enough food.
TR: Yes, but why is that?
RM: They don’t know how.
TR: Why do I feel like you’ve tricked me?
RM: Because I have. You have one more question left.
TR: The world says you’re a scoundrel and a thief.
RM: I am an educated man and a good politician. If the world says this or that, what’s that to me? I’m still the boss here.
TR: You are very rich and your people are very poor.
RM: Nobody gave me anything. I worked for what I have.
TR: You have everything and your people have nothing.
RM: Look, someone has to be in charge. There’s nobody else to take my place.
TR: You are indispensable.
RM: Precisely. I was elected by the people. If they were unhappy with the way I run things, they would have voted me out, don’t you think?
TR: But you have all the guns.
RM: Democracy isn’t about guns. It’s about ballot boxes.
TR: People say you cheated in the last election.
RM: Well, if you know of any particular person or any box in any district which was somehow cheated, let me know.
TR: I don’t know.
RM: Well, you see?
TR: You don’t even provide basic services.
RM: Define basic services.
TR: Health care, schools, infrastructure, business controls, police protection….
RM: Ok, ok. The problem there is that there is not enough money to run everything. After I take my cut, what’s left is a fraction of what the country needs just to get by. We have to import all our food, too. On top of that, I have been cursed with people who don’t like to work.
TR: How do you expect them to work if your economy has not created any jobs since 1984?
RM: My political enemies have instigated all kinds of dirty tricks by outsiders to make things impossible for me. They are a bunch of idiots. I am aware of everything that goes on in my country. I am an educated man. As for police protection, I get plenty of it. That was your last question, by the way.
TR: You have a lot of honorary degrees from prestigious universities.
RM: You have done your homework.
TR: Some of those degrees have been revoked.
RM: They are a bunch of idiots.
TR: Your inflation is at 8000%
RM: That’s meaningless. There are precious few products that are affected by inflation.
TR: Precisely. Independence was a godsend for you.
RM: Precisely.
TR: You changed the names of a lot of places in the country.
RM: Not a lot but maybe a few. Salisbury became Harare but we didn’t change the name of the steak.
TR: Only your friends enjoy the good things here.
RM: Loyalty doesn’t come cheap.
TR: Things won’t change soon.
RM: We need nuclear power plants - that’s what we need.
TR: You need Uranium or Plutonium first.
RM: We have both already, just don’t tell anyone.
TR: I won’t.
RM: For whatever reason, I can sense you are an honest man. Just beware – even the most honest and just and kind can be corrupted. Since I like you, I will allow one more question.
TR: What keeps a man in power from ruling justly and benignly – for the good of the people?
RM: It all has to do with your relationship with your mother.
TR: Sigmund Freud.
RM: Yes. I told you I was an educated man.
TR: I knew Sigmund Freud – he was an idiot. He smoked smelly cigars, too.
RM: Now look who is pulling whose leg.
TR: But, you know he smoked cigars.
RM: That’s not what I meant. How can you say you knew Dr. Freud – you don’t look a day over forty…
TR: I just had a birthday – July 7. I am 232 years old.
RM: Hahahahahahaha… Prove it.
TR: I don’t carry my birth certificate with me but I can tell you that I was born in Florence in 1777. My father is Austrian and you know how particular and precise they are with facts.
RM: You said “is.”
TR: Yes, he is still alive.
RM: Where?
TR: He’s in the Himalayas right now, visiting my cousin.
RM: You have been smoking something.
TR: No. I used to smoke back in the 1890s but I gave it up.
RM: Made you sick?
TR: No, it got to be too expensive. If I hadn’t given up the habit, I would have spent $47,244 on cigarettes by now, plus the cost of matches and lighters.
RM: You are frugal, sir, but there must be some luxury which you can’t do without?
TR: I like Corona Light.
RM: Well, well. It just so happens I have in my private cellar, 192 different brands of beer. I’m certain we have this Corona Light you mention.
TR: Can I have one?
RM: That was one question too many, but I’ll let it go on one condition.
TR: Yes.
RM: While we have a drink, I want you to tell me all about your father. Please.
TR: Oh, of course. No problem. RM: Ok, then, we have a deal.