Pope Benedict Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 20 No. 1 – February 10, 2010

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Guten Tag. Sind Sie Pope Benedict?
PB: Hahaha. Ja. Hereingekommen bitte.
TR: Ich spreche Deutsches, aber meine Lesser tun nicht.
PB: Ooooh. Wurde Sie mögen mich Englisch sprechen?
TR: Ja. Please.
PB: Ok. You know you have a good German accent.
TR: I got it from my father – he is Austrian.
PB: Good. Have a seat right here. I had some cookies and tea prepared for you.
TR: Thank you but could I have a beer instead? Corona Light?
PB: Hahaha. We do serve beer once in a while but only after five in the afternoon. You will excuse our traditional protocol?
TR: I always respect traditions and customs – no problem. I guess there is a reason some things never change. You know, even this room has not changed. It looks exactly the same to me.
PB: You have been here before?
TR: Yes.
PB: Wann? I do not remember that.
TR: October, 1793.
PB: You need to go to confession soon my son.
TR: My father and I were delivering new rifles and uniforms to the Papal Guards – he was in the arms business back then. I was 16 years old. I remember this room vividly.
PB: But, I had new carpet installed here when I became Pope.
TR: Yes, I know it’s new but the design is the same, the fiber is the same, and the placement on the floor is exactly the same. It’s new but it’s exactly like the old – very luxurious - very fine quality. I remember it. The paintings are the same and the furniture, too.
PB: I don’t know how you know but you are absolutely right. You said your father was Austrian?
TR: He is.
PB: He is living?
TR: Yes sir.
PB: Did you see His Holiness in 1793 then?
TR: No. He wouldn’t see us because my father was selling weapons to the French revolutionaries. That was Pope Pius I think.
PB: Yes, Pius VI was against the revolution.
TR: He also only paid us 50% - the balance was never paid.
PB: That is unbelievable.
TR: It was no big deal. We wrote off the bad debt – it wasn’t a large number of rifles anyway.
PB: I was not referring to the debt. How can any man live so long? Adam and his immediate descendants lived long but not modern men. You don’t look a day over 40.
TR: I was in fact born in 1777.
PB: And your father?
TR: I don’t know, but he is older than I.
PB: Ja. Of course he would be. You should bring him here. I am interested in talking to him at length.
TR: He has told me stories about the Roman Empire.
PB: Fascinating - fascinating. How have you managed to live so long? Do you know?
TR: Yes. We regularly drink tea made from some Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.
PB: You know where the tree is and the herbs?
TR: My cousins do.
PB: …And you haven’t shared this with anyone else?
TR: Well, Barbara Walters was very curious about it when I interviewed her - Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, too.
PB: Who are they? Are they Catholic?
TR: I have no idea. They are just ordinary business people from the United States.
PB: Oh. Have they tried to buy this secret from you?
TR: They have no way of contacting me – only my father and my two cousins know where I am at any given time.
PB: Good. Good. I will write out a personal invitation for your father. I take it on faith that everything you have told me is true.
TR: Sure. I never lie – regardless. I need to ask you a few questions though.
PB: Ja. I forgot you came to interview me.
TR: I only have four or five questions – I can never think of anything interesting to ask.
PB: Well, go ahead anyway.
TR: Well, first of all, I was wondering about now that you are Pope, if the Italians will ever be Pope again?
PB: Well, we do not exactly have to rotate the Holy Office but they can try.
TR: Will the Vatican always be in Rome?
PB: Actually, I have been thinking of establishing a summer Vatican in Berlin. Maybe we can try it out for a few years – for the German Popes.
TR: Do you think there will be opposition to the idea? It sounds very novel.
PB: Well, I am not the President of a country – I am the Pope. There is no legislature here. When I decide to do something, it is done. Besides, the weather there is better than in London.
TR: Oh, for sure. I used to live there. How about the Middle East?
PB: Ooooh, the weather there is even worse. Too hot.
TR: I meant – what do you think of the prospects for peace in the Middle East?
PB: I think it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle….
TR: So, it’s not possible?
PB: Perhaps it is. I plan to set an example for our brothers in the Middle East.
TR: How?
PB: I will begin the process of reuniting the Protestants and the Catholics - all of us. When the Reformation began, it was mostly due to abuses in the Church which have now largely disappeared. It is reasonable, therefore, that if most of the abuses are gone, then the schism should be gone too. We are not all that different. I think it can be done in this generation.
TR: Really?
PB: Ja, but that’s not all. After the Church is once more united, I have a plan for uniting the Church and the State.
TR: Does anyone else know about this?
PB: Nooooo. I trust you will keep it to yourself.
TR: Ok.
PB: Once the Middle Easterners see what we have done, they will work toward reconciliation, too.
TR: But who will head this new organization?
PB: That can be figured out as we go. The French would probably be interested. We just need to agree on one thing without exception.
TR: What’s that?
PB: Latin will have to be declared the official language – the language of peace.
TR: What about celibacy?
PB: We will either all be celibate or all be allowed to marry.
TR: Even your Holiness?
PB: Yes, I’m not that old, I could meet a nice girl, and if I get to see your father soon, I might live to be a thousand. With God, all things are possible. When you finish your tea, maybe you can tell me about some of these old paintings. I have always wondered where they came from.
TR: I would be happy to.
PB: Danke.
TR: Thank you too.