Timid Reporter and Mitt Romney

I may have to call the Timid Reporter to see if he might be interested in interviewing Mitt Romney soon. I hope I can find him. 

Newt Gingrich Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©

Volume 22 No. 1 – January 23, 2012

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.  

TR: Good morning. Are you Newt Gingrich?
NG: Who are you? Are you with the media?

TR: Yes sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment. Sorry I’m a little late.

NG: That’s typical of you people. I expected someone much taller.

TR: Sorry, sir. I’ve been this same size since 1798.

NG: Sure, whatever you say. I know you don’t believe your own stories.

TR: May I sit down so I can ask my five questions and head on over to Romney’s headquarters?

NG: You don’t have to bother with him anymore.

TR: What do you mean?

NG: Don’t you follow the news my dear sir? Romney now looks like he might make a good Vice President. I’m giving it some thought. Sit down right there please.
TR: Ok. So, you believe you have the nomination won?

NG: The voters of South Carolina have spoken loud and clear.

TR: What about the scandals?

NG: You mean those stories the media likes to dig up just to sell more papers?

TR: You have had several wives and …..

NG: Not as many as Larry King.

TR: Yes, but what about Fannie Mae?

NG: I’ve never had relations with Fannie Mae.

TR: But didn’t you make millions of dollars from the government agency while it was going bankrupt?

NG: I just have a good nose for smelling money. That should be viewed as a virtue. I needed the money. It was just a coincidence that it was Democratic money.

TR: People say you got rich while the country’s economy fell on its face.

NG: I think you are giving me too much credit for the recession. I had nothing to do with that. That was prompted by the Democrats.

TR: Nancy Pelosi said President Bush was to blame.

NG: I’m not President Bush.

TR: I know, but ….

NG: But nothing. I’m not President Bush. Period.

TR: He might not like it if he knew you were disavowing him.

NG: There you go again. If you don’t print it, he won’t know.

TR: Ok.

NG: You have to admit that the media seems to just be picking on me. Why don’t you pick on Romney or Santorum or Obama or Marianne.

TR: Well, I’ve always been neutral and objective. I’m a graduate of the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.

NG: I’ve never heard of it.

TR: It’s been closed for many years, since 1960 I think.

NG: No wonder.

TR: How do you respond to questions about your inability to manage money?

NG: With the truth, that’s how.

TR: But one of your women has said you always spent more than you earned.

NG: Which one?

TR: I promised Marianne I wouldn’t say.

NG: Well, your secret is safe with me, but never mind.

TR: She also said you were a little hypocrite.

NG: Look, I’m about eight inches taller than you – what does that tell you?

TR: I don’t know.

NG: It tells you she’s lying.

TR: So you never spent more than you earned?

NG: Only when necessary.

TR: And all the mistresses you had?

NG: They were girlfriends, not mistresses, and the whole thing is rather personal – nothing to do with the Republic and where the country is headed.

TR: A rumor is out that if you’re elected, you’ll push for a Constitutional Amendment to allow for two or three First Ladies?

NG: Ridiculous.

TR: Not true?

NG: Ridiculous.

TR: Do you think you’ll do well in Florida?

NG: The nomination is as good as sewed up.

TR: You seem very confident.

NG: Yes, but I was not always this way. I used to be more like you.

TR: So, what happened?

NG: What happened? One of my High School teachers opened my eyes.

TR: How?

NG: She seduced me; that’s how. You are rather naïve, you know that?

TR: I have been told.

NG: You must be at least 40?

TR: I will be 235 in July.

NG: And how many women have you had?

TR: I’m still single.

NG: You know something? You’re rather loony and more than a little pathetic. We could use you in my campaign.

TR: Doing what?

NG: Infiltrating the Romney organization. We’ve done stuff like that before.

TR: Yes, I know.

NG: You would drive them nuts over there, destroy what little they’ve got.

TR: Well, I don’t need the money but I would consider it if you agree to pay me in gold coins. I haven’t trusted any country’s currency since before 1850.

NG: I can pay you in Dollars or Euros – no gold coins.

TR: Well, the way things are going….

NG: If you’re worried about the economy, worry no more.

TR: You have a plan to get the country out of the recession?

NG: Absolutely.

TR: How will you take care of the unemployment problem?

NG: Easy. I will simply deport anyone who has been unemployed for more than three weeks. That will bring the unemployment rate down to zero.

TR: And where will you deport all those people to?

NG: China. That’s where all the jobs are.

TR: Is that legal?

NG: Look. The Chinese do not worry about legalities.

TR: I meant legal for the U.S. government.

NG: Well, people will probably sue the government in a class action but by the time it gets settled, we will be long gone.

TR: Not I.

NG: Why do you insist that you’re a very old man?

TR: Because I am. I always tell the truth. I was born in 1777. July 7.

NG: You must be high on something.

TR: I drink a tea made from Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.

NG: I’m calling security.

TR: Go ahead. I’m timid but I am not afraid of anything. I speak the truth.

NG: If I give you the benefit of the doubt, will you share some of this tea with me?

TR: My father would have to decide.

NG: Your father is alive?

TR: Yes. He used to know all the Roman Emperors. He is older than I.

NG: Of course. Where is he now?

TR: In Vienna, Austria.

NG: I have a home in Vienna. We will make a fortune with this. Perhaps we could meet.

TR: I will check with my cousins.

NG: And where are they?

TR: In Nepal.

NG: How can you get in touch?

TR: They have cell phones.

NG: God bless the U.S.A.

TR: Why?

NG: American technology will save the day. They can call me direct. I’ll give you my cell number. This is really mind-boggling. To be rich and to be young and to be powerful - what more can anyone ask?

TR: To sleep well?

NG: Yeah, that too.

TR: Well, I have run out of questions as usual, and I must be going to Romney’s headquarters now.

NG: Good luck with those people but do give them my best.

TR: Yes sir, I will.

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

Blogger and Google

I heard a rumor which is probably true: that Google is going to change the name for Blogger. They own this site now so they can do as they wish and they will change its name, so I hear. It will be a good name though. You can bet on that.

On The Rocks

Here is another inventive photo - a picture of a drink on the rocks - literally. How many times do we say things that if taken literally seem quite unusual. For instance: Heads up, flying off the handle, off the top of my head, on my shirtsleeve, camera ready, top secret, underground, ballistic, choked up, on the edge, loose canon, pushing the envelope, anti freeze, etc.

Subtlety

You probably agree that the eyes can convey a world of meaning. The face too. But the eyes, as small as they are, are abundantly expressive all by themselves. How many emotions or thoughts can they convey? I don't know. I might ask the Timid Reporter. He has lots of experience in those things. Perhaps this girl is saying "I am in full control." If I ever met her, I certainly would not disagree. Just to be sure, I would question her too.

Timid Reporter

If you like to read, this is what your bathtub might look like. I always like to see inventiveness and this photo is inventive - a bathtub made of books. One could say this woman is immersed in her reading obsession. She is not reading one of the Timid Reporter's books - he hasn't written any. She is probably reading some crime novel which she cannot put down. There are hundreds of them.

First of 2011

Correspondents around the globe? We don't have any. We leave that to the big boys - The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The New Yorker, The Economist, The San Francisco Chronicle, and The Miami Herald. We're here to make fun of them - the posturing, the pretense, the commercialism. PLEASE. The only correspondent we use is the Timid Reporter. That's enough for us and (besides) he's the only one we can afford - really. Even when he's not entirely sober, the man is as honest as the day is long. He may be timid, but he's not naive and he's not afraid. On top of that, he is so old (he'll be 234 in July - DOB=7/7/1777) he's the only correspondent in the world who can claim to have lived history, not just read about it in a book. Openly timid?  Yes.

Pope Benedict Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 20 No. 1 – February 10, 2010

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Guten Tag. Sind Sie Pope Benedict?
PB: Hahaha. Ja. Hereingekommen bitte.
TR: Ich spreche Deutsches, aber meine Lesser tun nicht.
PB: Ooooh. Wurde Sie mögen mich Englisch sprechen?
TR: Ja. Please.
PB: Ok. You know you have a good German accent.
TR: I got it from my father – he is Austrian.
PB: Good. Have a seat right here. I had some cookies and tea prepared for you.
TR: Thank you but could I have a beer instead? Corona Light?
PB: Hahaha. We do serve beer once in a while but only after five in the afternoon. You will excuse our traditional protocol?
TR: I always respect traditions and customs – no problem. I guess there is a reason some things never change. You know, even this room has not changed. It looks exactly the same to me.
PB: You have been here before?
TR: Yes.
PB: Wann? I do not remember that.
TR: October, 1793.
PB: You need to go to confession soon my son.
TR: My father and I were delivering new rifles and uniforms to the Papal Guards – he was in the arms business back then. I was 16 years old. I remember this room vividly.
PB: But, I had new carpet installed here when I became Pope.
TR: Yes, I know it’s new but the design is the same, the fiber is the same, and the placement on the floor is exactly the same. It’s new but it’s exactly like the old – very luxurious - very fine quality. I remember it. The paintings are the same and the furniture, too.
PB: I don’t know how you know but you are absolutely right. You said your father was Austrian?
TR: He is.
PB: He is living?
TR: Yes sir.
PB: Did you see His Holiness in 1793 then?
TR: No. He wouldn’t see us because my father was selling weapons to the French revolutionaries. That was Pope Pius I think.
PB: Yes, Pius VI was against the revolution.
TR: He also only paid us 50% - the balance was never paid.
PB: That is unbelievable.
TR: It was no big deal. We wrote off the bad debt – it wasn’t a large number of rifles anyway.
PB: I was not referring to the debt. How can any man live so long? Adam and his immediate descendants lived long but not modern men. You don’t look a day over 40.
TR: I was in fact born in 1777.
PB: And your father?
TR: I don’t know, but he is older than I.
PB: Ja. Of course he would be. You should bring him here. I am interested in talking to him at length.
TR: He has told me stories about the Roman Empire.
PB: Fascinating - fascinating. How have you managed to live so long? Do you know?
TR: Yes. We regularly drink tea made from some Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.
PB: You know where the tree is and the herbs?
TR: My cousins do.
PB: …And you haven’t shared this with anyone else?
TR: Well, Barbara Walters was very curious about it when I interviewed her - Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, too.
PB: Who are they? Are they Catholic?
TR: I have no idea. They are just ordinary business people from the United States.
PB: Oh. Have they tried to buy this secret from you?
TR: They have no way of contacting me – only my father and my two cousins know where I am at any given time.
PB: Good. Good. I will write out a personal invitation for your father. I take it on faith that everything you have told me is true.
TR: Sure. I never lie – regardless. I need to ask you a few questions though.
PB: Ja. I forgot you came to interview me.
TR: I only have four or five questions – I can never think of anything interesting to ask.
PB: Well, go ahead anyway.
TR: Well, first of all, I was wondering about now that you are Pope, if the Italians will ever be Pope again?
PB: Well, we do not exactly have to rotate the Holy Office but they can try.
TR: Will the Vatican always be in Rome?
PB: Actually, I have been thinking of establishing a summer Vatican in Berlin. Maybe we can try it out for a few years – for the German Popes.
TR: Do you think there will be opposition to the idea? It sounds very novel.
PB: Well, I am not the President of a country – I am the Pope. There is no legislature here. When I decide to do something, it is done. Besides, the weather there is better than in London.
TR: Oh, for sure. I used to live there. How about the Middle East?
PB: Ooooh, the weather there is even worse. Too hot.
TR: I meant – what do you think of the prospects for peace in the Middle East?
PB: I think it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle….
TR: So, it’s not possible?
PB: Perhaps it is. I plan to set an example for our brothers in the Middle East.
TR: How?
PB: I will begin the process of reuniting the Protestants and the Catholics - all of us. When the Reformation began, it was mostly due to abuses in the Church which have now largely disappeared. It is reasonable, therefore, that if most of the abuses are gone, then the schism should be gone too. We are not all that different. I think it can be done in this generation.
TR: Really?
PB: Ja, but that’s not all. After the Church is once more united, I have a plan for uniting the Church and the State.
TR: Does anyone else know about this?
PB: Nooooo. I trust you will keep it to yourself.
TR: Ok.
PB: Once the Middle Easterners see what we have done, they will work toward reconciliation, too.
TR: But who will head this new organization?
PB: That can be figured out as we go. The French would probably be interested. We just need to agree on one thing without exception.
TR: What’s that?
PB: Latin will have to be declared the official language – the language of peace.
TR: What about celibacy?
PB: We will either all be celibate or all be allowed to marry.
TR: Even your Holiness?
PB: Yes, I’m not that old, I could meet a nice girl, and if I get to see your father soon, I might live to be a thousand. With God, all things are possible. When you finish your tea, maybe you can tell me about some of these old paintings. I have always wondered where they came from.
TR: I would be happy to.
PB: Danke.
TR: Thank you too.

Fidel Castro interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 4 - February 19, 2008

Good morning Coffee Club members. It is not often that our Timid Reporter© takes the initiative to do a story for us (as a matter of fact, he never has), but, evidently inspired by recent events in Cuba, he did just that this time. The Club could not cover his expenses (except for bus fare to the airport) for the long trip so he extended himself a loan to cover them. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Castro?
FC: Que es esto hombre??? Who in heaven’s name do you think I am??? Of course I’m Fidel Castro.
TR: I’m sorry. I always have to make absolutely sure.
FC: You know, I used to have two doubles – just in case – but they died a long time ago. One of them was poisoned by the CIA.
TR: I understand. I won’t take too much of your time because I know you’re not feeling well.
FC: Who told you that? It’s a big lie. I feel in good spirits and I’m doing well – my doctors tell me I’ll outlive all the leaders of the so-called free world.
TR: That’s a lot of leaders.
FC: No, no, my friend, those are not leaders, they’re puppets of the people. And not only that, they pretend to serve the very people they exploit.
TR: But, you have been in power for fifty years.
FC: I don’t see your point, but I am very, very popular and I don’t have to pretend to like or serve anybody.
TR: Yes, of course. I have seen your picture all over Havana. My background notes tell me you have decided to retire?
FC: Yes, but the pictures, the murals, the banners – all that will stay. They will serve the glorious revolution. Also, my poor brother Raul is not very photogenic.
TR: He might not appreciate your saying that.
FC: So … don’t print it.
TR: Ok, I won’t.
FC: I appreciate your candor and simplicity, sir. You are a decent Americano.
TR: Will you be taking it easy, going out to the countryside to relax?
FC: No, I’m going to write another book. If Clinton can do it, so can I.
TR: Is there anything about the U.S. that you like?
FC: Yes, absolutely my friend. I like Madonna.
TR: The singer?
FC: No, the hamburger.
TR: You mean McDonald’s.
FC: Yes, Madonna. I still eat them. My special courier brings them to me whenever I have a craving. I’m lucky that Miami is so close. I order them and they arrive in thirty minutes, then I stick them in the micro. Delicioso!!!
TR: You are very resourceful.
FC: I have to be. Che and I survived in the jungle for years on our wits alone. Poor Che, I remember him fondly. He will be in my book.
TR: Will you have pictures in the book? I like books with pictures.
FC: There will be plenty of pictures. You should see my photo albums. Mao is there, and Nikita, and Yeltsin, and Ho, and Che, and Josip and so many others from the old days.
TR: You don’t have Stalin? I remember him. I have an autographed picture of Trotsky with Frida Kahlo – dedicated to me, when I lived in Mexico City.
FC: You must be very old – older than I. How is that possible? Give me the picture. I could use it for my book.
TR: Yes, gladly. It’s black and white, is that OK?
FC: My dear friend, we are not particular about color. If the revolution has taught us anything, it’s that technology is a tool of the classes.
TR: Even color photography?
FC: Yes, even color photography. You have to see the big panorama of humanity, of society. Any time that someone comes out with a new gadget, a new device, a new tool, even a new magazine, rest assured that it will be used to lull the masses to sleep, to keep them in their place. That way, the classes can ride around in their fancy cars and live in their fancy houses with their color photography. Simplicity my friend, that’s the nature of Communism. Back to the Earth - back to the soil.
TR: So, will everybody be a farmer?
FC: No, no, no, only those who are good at it. You work at what you are capable of doing. Then everybody shares in the fruits of your labor.
TR: So, if I work hard and make lots of money I have to share my paycheck with a farmer?
FC: Yes, but he shares his corn and wheat and sweet potatoes with you.
TR: But, I get that at the supermarket.
FC: You do not understand.
TR: I guess not. What if someone is kind of lazy and doesn’t work all that hard?
FC: We put him in jail.
TR: I think I have to be leaving now.
FC: Buy my book, it will explain everything.
TR: I will send you some McDonald’s coupons when I get to Miami.
FC: Thank you my friend. You are very kind. The reporter must still be waiting outside. Please tell him to come in on your way out. Adios.

Danica Patrick interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 26 - April 20, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Danica Patrick?
DP: Yes, I am. Do I look like Madonna? I’ll show you my I.D.
TR: No, no, it’s just a formality. I know who you are.
DP: I’m the best female driver of all time, right?
TR: That’s saying a lot.
DP: Do you know a few female drivers?
TR: I’ve seen thousands on the freeway.
DP: I meant professional racing drivers like me.
TR: You’re the only one I ever heard of. I also saw your picture in Sports Illustrated.
DP: I thought that was nice.
TR: You are so pretty. I forgot what I did with my questions.
DP: Don’t worry about your questions. Let’s just talk about whatever.
TR: I read that you make more money advertising yourself than from winning races.
DP: Well, it all ties in. Even if I haven’t won the big one yet, there’s no reason not to get some endorsement money, don’t you think?
TR: I don’t know.
DP: Well, I do. People think I’m better at promoting myself than I am at my sport. Let them think that. I just won my first Indy Series race in Japan. That should say something about me. Even Tiger Woods doesn’t win all the time. I’m only 25. I have another 45 good years ahead of me still. I can’t just use part of who I am to earn a living. My talent rep wants to market all of me - nothing wrong with that.
TR: Do you think people will be jealous of your success?
DP: I try not to think about it. For me, it’s just competition – the whole competitive spirit in people. People will criticize me regardless. I will continue to have fun and enjoy what I do.
TR: Does your husband like it?
DP: Yes, absolutely. He’s at every race. He loves it almost as much as I do. He gets a thrill from every single one of my accomplishments.
TR: Is it boring going around the track over and over and over?
DP: Actually, if you stop to think about it, every job is like that.
TR: Yes, but most jobs aren’t as high risk as yours.
DP: What can I say? I get a charge from it. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
TR: Maybe 55.
DP: How would you like doing 355?
TR: I wouldn’t be able to eat for a week.
DP: No. I would start you at 60 and gradually move you up. By the end, you would be addicted. You wouldn’t be able to live without the rush. Of course, you would need to think very, very, very fast.
TR: That disqualifies me right there.
DP: Well, not everyone is made for racing. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl.
TR: You have already set some records.
DP: Yes, but only because I am one of the few female drivers. I would most like to break the men’s records.
TR: How is it you’re not afraid of the danger?
DP: I have a passion when it comes to fighting fear. I am a warrior when I get behind the wheel.
TR: Yet, you would not pose for Playboy.
DP: That’s not the same kind of fear.
TR: What fear is that?
DP: My husband would leave me.
TR: That’s not easy to understand – how you can be so brave on the one hand and so afraid on the other.
DP: No, but just to give you an example of how dicey this fear thing is, I read that Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Lots of famous actors are actually very shy and insecure people, too, except when they’re in front of the camera.
TR: What if a racing accident ended up hurting you?
DP: I don’t think about it – just like you. Haven’t you ever photographed a war zone?
TR: No.
DP: Oh, man. How can you say you’re a photographer if you always play it safe? What do you take pictures of, birthday parties?
TR: Fights sometimes break out at parties. I’ve lost three cameras that way.
DP: Ok, I’ll give you credit for that, but in my next race, I want you next to me photographing every moment of the race.
TR: It’s a very tempting offer. I will have to think about it for a month. I’m sure I’ll need medication.
DP: No, no, no – no medication.
TR: Well, at the very least, let me increase the amount of life insurance I have.
DP: No problem.
TR: You’re not planning to retire any time soon.
DP: Are you kidding? I said I have at least another 45 years left in me. I want to race until the very end. The races may be different, but I’ll be racing.
TR: For instance?
DP: Well, this is still secret, but we are planning long distance races in lower outer space – like NASCAR in the sky sort of thing. Our biggest backer is Richard Branson.
TR: What will you be racing?
DP: Planes, of course - 747s or SSTs or modified F16s, but please don’t print any of this yet.
TR: I won’t. May I take your picture now?
DP: With or without my top?
TR: Without.
DP: Ok, but don’t print it.
TR: Don’t worry, Ms Patrick, I won’t. Thank you.
DP: Thank you, sir.

Barbara Walters interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 30 - May 2, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Barbara Walters?
BW: Oh, please. I’m sure I’m still recognizable despite my age. Do come in and make yourself comfortable.
TR: I didn’t mean to….
BW: Don’t worry about it. Everybody gets old. Someday, even you will be old.
TR: I am already. I remember the Civil War.
BW: That’s impossible. You must have dreamt it. I’ve known a lot of people over the years and I know first hand from one famous Hindu doctor….
TR: I still have my Union Army uniform from the war, and….
BW: Does it still fit?
TR: Yes it does.
BW: That’s amazing. How can that be?
TR: I’m supposed to be asking the questions.
BW: Yes, of course, it’s just that I can’t help myself…. You could have made a fortune interviewing those famous people – Lincoln, Grant, Lee,…
TR: I didn’t know how to read or write.
BW: Oh,…. I guess that would have been a handicap for anybody.
TR: You started out as a writer.
BW: How is it you don’t show your real age?
TR: I come from a family of long-lived people.
BW: But you have short legs….
TR: Long-lived, not long-limbed….
BW: You have a tendency to mumble.
TR: I’m not the only one…..
BW: I beg your pardon ….
TR: I didn’t mean it in a bad way….
BW: Never mind. I’m very, very interested in how a man – a person – any person – can stay so young for so long.
TR: I’m not young.
BW: Well, ok – let’s just say young-looking.
TR: As I said, my family tree has several ….
BW: There has to be more to it than that.
TR: I have taken Chinese herbs for a long time….
BW: I knew China would come into the picture sooner or later. Tell me more. I’m dying to know.
TR: Most of the herbs are fairly common, but they are prepared in combination with the bark of a rare tree found only in the Himalayas.
BW: What kind of tree?
TR: I can’t say. My cousin sends me the herbs from Thailand.
BW: Is this some sort of secret?
TR: I would tell you if I knew.
BW: Why isn’t it on the market? I mean, it would make you rich.
TR: There’s only one tree left.
BW: So there’s not enough to go around? Is that what you’re saying?
TR: I don’t know.
BW: Is it a big tree?
TR: I can’t say.
BW: You can’t say or you won’t say? Surely you can tell me. I’m not Connie Chung.
TR: Who’s Connie Chung?
BW: You know, technically, this is not a Chinese tree.
TR: I wouldn’t lie to you. I think it’s in Tibet.
BW: The Himalayas are in Nepal. Didn’t you stop to consider that?
TR: I don’t know….
BW: Have you ever talked to the Dalai Lama?
TR: No, but I interviewed Nancy Pelosi and she talked to the Dalai Lama.
BW: I know Nancy. She must know something about this. How did we get off on this tangent?
TR: You asked about my age.
BW: Do you have a picture of this tree?
TR: My cousin’s sister-in-law might have one.
BW: Where does she live?
TR: In Nepal, right on the border with Tibet.
BW: What does she do there?
TR: She works for the U.N.
BW: Are you on friendly terms with her?
TR: I’m on friendly terms with everybody.
BW: Can you get her on the phone?
TR: I’m sure my cousin can.
BW: What does your cousin do?
TR: He works for the U.N.
BW: I know Kofi Annan.
TR: Coffee who?
BW: This will be much easier than I thought. Can you tell me more?
TR: Well, the herbs can be taken as a tea or they can be smoked.
BW: Would you happen to have some on you?
TR: Yes.
BW: May I see a sample?
TR: When can I start asking you some questions?
BW: We might not have time for that. Can you come back another time? I would love to continue our talk.
TR: I will show you the sample when I come back.
BW: How about your cousin’s name and phone number?
TR: That too. Thank you so much for your time.

George Soros interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 45 - July 14, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you George Soros?
GS: Who let you in?
TR: I’m sorry, I thought you knew….
GS: You look Republican. This apartment is not open to Republicans.
TR: I’m neither Republican nor Democrat.
GS: You’re one of those scary Independents then.
TR: I’m just a photographer.
GS: Where’s your camera?
TR: It’s broken.
GS: What’s that under your arm?
TR: It’s my tape recorder.
GS: It’s rather bulky for a tape recorder.
TR: I bought it in 1967.
GS: No wonder. You know, 1967 is when I made my first million.
TR: May I come in?
GS: Let me get the butler to come open the door.
TR: Why don’t you open it yourself?
GS: My servants do that sort of thing.
TR: Ok, I can wait.
GS: There, now you may come inside. Sit over by the fireplace where we can see you.
TR: We?
GS: You speak French.
TR: Yes.
GS: I speak four languages, including Esperanto – Hungarian, Russian, and English.
TR: English is good.
GS: Did you know I broke the Bank of England?
TR: I heard, yes.
GS: It was accidental but people gave me credit for it.
TR: You are the author of many books.
GS: …and many speeches, essays, and magazine articles.
TR: Do you consider yourself an influential man?
GS: What do you think? I brought down the Soviet Union.
TR: I thought Gorbachev did that.
GS: No, no - I financed the opposition that put all the pressure on the poor man – pressure from all sides. It didn’t just happen – someone had to pay for it. No matter what anybody says, people don’t risk their lives for nothing.
TR: So you bankrolled the leaders of all the opposition movements?
GS: Not just me, there were others.
TR: …co-conspirators?
GS: That sounds like something a Republican would say. Reagan knew what I was up to. He was behind me all the way.
TR: Can I print that?
GS: No. Let’s play it safe.
TR: Ok. Can we discuss the Open Society Institute?
GS: Sure, the OSI is one of my favorite projects.
TR: Some people say it’s not as open to public scrutiny as its mission statement purports it to be.
GS: Stulta Respublikano perfidulo.
TR: What?
GS: You don’t speak Esperanto?
TR: No.
GS: Everyone should speak Esperanto.
TR: Why?
GS: Because that’s what I speak – it’s my favorite language – so mellifluous and sweet. It’s the language of the future.
TR: Do your children speak it?
GS: Only when they don’t want any eavesdroppers to understand what they’re saying.
TR: What are the chances?
GS: Well, around the world, only 748 people speak it fluently and most of them live in Lithuania. Unfortunately, my father miscalculated. He ordered forty million Esperanto dictionaries printed. He thought it would be the universal language by 2004. He had this gift for speculating about things – maybe time will prove him right still.
TR: Or, it may become extinct.
GS: No, no, no. As long as books exist, it will not be forgotten - just like me.
TR: What will happen to your projects after you’re gone?
GS: I’m not going anywhere.
TR: I meant after you die.
GS: I don’t believe in death.
TR: But, you’ll be seventy eight next month.
GS: Well, I could be eighteen or one hundred ninety – it’s all the same to me. I still don’t believe I’m going to die. OSI is financing a top secret technology project. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.
TR: Ok, I’ll take your word for it.
GS: You’re talking about the best investor who ever lived. I can’t die. Read my books.
TR: How about Warren Buffett?
GS: He’s a beginner. You’re comparing a rock to a diamond.
TR: What is your secret?
GS: Smart speculation.
TR: Making smart guesses?
GS: Absolutely - multiplying my money by guessing what something is going to be worth tomorrow - like oil for instance. I play poker with the world economy.
TR: You sound like a Republican.
GS: Jen amikino timema, in the world of finance, there are no political parties.
TR: Gracias Mr. Soros.

The Timid Reporter

The Timid Reporter was born in Florence, Italy, on July 7, 1777. His father is Austrian and his mother was Gypsy. He is therefore half Gypsy and half Austrian, or the other way around. In the early Twentieth Century or thereabouts, he took a comprehensive correspondence course from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea, a school which is now defunct. As far as he knows, he is actually an accredited Journalist. He attributes his longevity to a family secret known only to himself, his father, his late mother, and two cousins. He has a steady gig with something called the Coffee Club Newsletter. The Timid Reporter never speaks for himself except in his interviews - such as they are. If you have any questions for him, ask them of me and I will see how I can get him to respond.

Jimmy Cayne interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 8 - March 14, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. We have no comment on what follows. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Jimmy Cayne?
JC: Who are you?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter. I have an appointment.
JC: Since when? Nobody told me anything about it. Are you with the media?
TR: Yes, sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter.
JC: What is that, a financial paper of some sort?
TR: No sir, it’s the company in-house newsletter for coffee drinkers and subscribers.
JC: That doesn’t tell me a thing. How many readers do you have?
TR: Eight.
JC: This must be some sort of joke. Get out - I have a very important bridge game to play in an hour.
TR: But, don’t you care what happens to your company?
JC: What company? I have all my money in European stocks.
TR: Bear Stearns.
JC: Oh, that company. I’m no longer in charge. Go talk to Alan.
TR: Alan who?
JC: Alan Schwartz. Don’t you know anything?
TR: Yes, of course. Mr. Schwartz. I tried talking to him yesterday but he sent me to you.
JC: I don’t have any time for this. I have nothing more to do with Stearns. Leave now or I’ll have to call security.
TR: I’m not leaving – the butler told me how you win at bridge...
JC: …Ok, ok, sit over there. I’ll give you ten minutes.
TR: I just need five. I don’t have enough questions for ten. I do want a couple of beers please.
JC: Sure, I’ll have James bring them. Push that red button on your chair to summon him.
TR: Sure.
JC: Now, back to your questions.
TR: My readers would like to know how it is that while the company is losing so much money, there’s always enough to pay all the directors huge salaries.
JC: That’s not hard to answer. Do you know anything about hedge funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. How about short-term un-liquid periodic indexed debenture funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. We call those STUPID funds for short, by the way.
TR: I’m with you.
JC: Well, in the banking business, we’re constantly playing one set of funds against another. It’s sort of like betting the red and the black at the same time.
TR: I don’t understand.
JC: Don’t you ever gamble?
TR: No.
JC: No wonder. Let me try to explain. The reason we get paid so much money is that we are the only ones in the world who can handle the ultra complex processes of money management. I have barely scratched the surface and you are already at a loss.
TR: In more ways than one.
JC: Well, on top of that, there’s thousands of funds and hundreds of types of funds. On top of that, the game is on a global scale.
TR: So, it’s a lot of work?
JC: You have no idea, my friend. Do you ever invest?
TR: I have a savings account.
JC: You need more than that. If I had time, I would share a good tip with you.
TR: I’ll talk to the butler again if you don’t tell me. I want to make some money.
JC: Ok, ok, but you can’t print any of it.
TR: I won’t.
JC: Look up Mr. Octavian Shin in the Paris phone book. He is listed.
TR: Then what?
JC: Tell him client number 13 sent you. He will then give you the code for a Russian energy stock that pays 790%, guaranteed. You’ll be a millionaire in no time, especially the way oil has been going up lately.
TR: How much should I put in?
JC: Twenty thousand to start.
TR: I only have two hundred.
JC: Well, I can’t help you there.
TR: You can lend me the difference.
JC: I don’t make personal loans. Talk to Alan - he’s the risk taker.
TR: You’re the one who cheats at bridge.
JC: Ok, ok. I’ll write you a check.
TR: The check won’t bounce?
JC: It’s not a Bear Stearns check.
TR: I am grateful to you, Mr. Cayne.
JC: Remember, you just have to know where to park your money.
TR: I think I learned a lot today.
JC: Please give my kind regards to your eight readers. Have a nice day, sir. James will show you out.
TR: Thank you.

Hank Paulson interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 48 - December 7, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Hank Paulson?
HP: Yes sir, and you must be Mr. Quan?
TR: No, I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
HP: Where’s Mr. Quan?
TR: I don’t know.
HP: So, why are you here in his place?
TR: I’m not taking his place – I’m here to do an interview with you.
HP: Oh, you’re that other guy. Do you care at all about global warming?
TR: May I come in?
HP: Only if you promise we’ll discuss climate change and the environment.
TR: We can discuss whatever you want to discuss.
HP: Step right this way.
TR: Wow, this looks like a greenhouse.
HP: It is.
TR: I’ve never seen so many indoor plants before.
HP: Wait ‘til you see the snakes.
TR: Snakes? How many snakes?
HP: Twenty six, but they are not all here – some we keep in the bedrooms.
TR: Oh.
HP: I know them all by name.
TR: One for each letter of the alphabet.
HP: How did you guess?
TR: I’m just good at guessing. How do you tell them apart?
HP: They’ve been in the family a number of years – after a while you just recognize them. It’s like telling your dollar bills apart. They’re all the same but they’re all different. There comes Chrimata now from under that fern.
TR: Chrimata?
HP: It’s the Greek word for “money.”
TR: I should have guessed.
HP: And Fiduciary is right behind her. Isn’t he cute?
TR: To me, they’re just snakes.
HP: You have a lot to learn. Let’s sit down in my study.
TR: Can I have a Corona Light?
HP: Sure. That’s my favorite beer - another lucky guess?
TR: No. I just like the way it tastes. I’m glad you have it in the house – even Buckingham Palace doesn’t stock it.
HP: You’ve been there?
TR: I interviewed the Queen.
HP: Sure you did.
TR: I don’t tell lies.
HP: You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: No, my father too.
HP: Really? And where might he be from?
TR: Austria, but he’s in the Himalayas right now.
HP: …doing?
TR: Collecting bark from an old tree.
HP: Is he a researcher, an environmental scientist?
TR: No, he needs it to stay alive.
HP: Is he ill?
TR: Not at all. He’s just really old. He will soon be 2000.
HP: 2000 years old?
TR: Yes.
HP: You know, I’ve been around a lot of bankers and finance people and business people almost all my life…
TR: Yes, I know.
HP: …I have learned to read them pretty well – perfectly, in fact. Even by the slightest inflection in their speech – I can tell when they’re trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Your story sounds very convincing – you’re either the world’s best liar or you’re telling me the absolute truth.
TR: Well, to me, it doesn’t matter at all what you think about me.
HP: You must not need any tips on the stock market.
TR: I just do interviews and take pictures whenever my camera is working.
HP: I can see you’re a simple man. You’re good for the environment.
TR: May I ask you about the financial collapse?
HP: Being that you’re a true environmentalist, you may ask me whatever you like.
TR: Thank you. My readers would like to know if the bailout money will really work to turn the economy around.
HP: No, of course it won’t. I had to find a way to protect my Asian friends from any defaults. That’s what that was about, not anything else. I know I’ve been criticized for being close to Wall Street, but everyone is close to something, no?
TR: Weren’t you partly responsible for the elimination of the net capital rule in 2004 - the thing that led to the credit crisis?
HP: Sure, sure, but let me tell you what that was about. When I was in the private sector, I lobbied hard against being overly regulated by the government. That’s all true. My mistake was in thinking that everybody in the investment business, when granted more freedom by the Feds, would act responsibly. Instead, they acted like thugs. They really let me down. I was in charge at Goldman Sachs and we stayed clear of the greediness and all those sham securities. That’s why it’s the only firm that survived. All those people who are now criticizing me don’t have a clue.
TR: May I print that?
HP: No, not all of it.
TR: Ok. What about John Ehrlichman?
HP: Who is he?
TR: He used to be your boss under Nixon?
HP: Oh, yes, I forgot. Some things just never go away, do they?
TR: You were almost caught up in Watergate.
HP: That was in 1972 – almost four decades ago. I was just a kid. John Dean cautioned me to keep away from the whole mess and I resented him for it because I wanted to get in on the action. He was a real snake.
TR: But, he saved your reputation.
HP: Without meaning to.
TR: Didn’t you later give him a job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs?
HP: No. I simply suggested to him that he go into banking – it was a perfect fit. The industry is full of weasels and snitches, you know.
TR: Maybe you’ve had too much beer?
HP: Don’t you want another Corona?
TR: I’m beginning to hear noises in my ears.
HP: Oh, don’t worry. They’re coming from my playroom next door. I have a collection of over a hundred ticker tape machines in there – the kind that every stock broker used to have. At precisely the same time every day, they start whirring away. I love those old machines. They were the internet of the old, old days.
TR: I remember them, of course. You know them all by name?
HP: No.
TR: When did you become concerned about the environment?
HP: When I learned that we were about to run out of oil. The next big money makers will be wind power generation and solar energy.
TR: What do you think is the ultimate power source?
HP: Washington politics.
TR: What about the people?
HP: If I’ve learned anything in the last fifty years, it’s that if you give people something to eat and something to talk about, they’re happy. 98 percent of them don’t even know who I am.
TR: But what about unemployment?
HP: Well, that won’t really become a problem unless it hits 50 percent. We may see a couple of riots here and there but I have set aside 997 billion for that worst-case scenario. Be that as it may, my private jet is on standby to take me and my family to Brazil on a moment’s notice.
TR: Do you have another residence there?
HP: Well, I really doubt that the Coffee Club would be interested in that but, for the record; we’ll just be doing a little environmental research near Rio. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a new species. I’m going to grab another beer and lie down, if you don’t mind.
TR: Thank you Mr. Paulson.
HP: Thank you, Mr. Quan.

Bernie Madoff interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 49 - December 17, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bernard L. Madoff?
BM: Yes, but you don’t have to be so formal – call me Bernie, please.
TR: Yes sir. May I come in?
BM: Sure. Make yourself comfortable. I’ve been expecting you.
TR: It smells like apple cider in here.
BM: I hope you find it pleasant my friend.
TR: Yes, very pleasant.
BM: I would offer you some but I’m afraid we’ve run out of Styrofoam cups.
TR: Why not use a real cup?
BM: My wife won’t let me.
TR: Well, I drink beer anyway.
BM: Beer is bad for you.
TR: Not so far.
BM: Why do you say that?
TR: I’ve been drinking beer since 1798 and have not been badly affected.
BM: Is that so?
TR: Yes sir. I only stay away from dark ale.
BM: That’s very amusing although a little perplexing too because I know you can’t be conning me – I would be able to tell, you know. You don’t look more than forty years old.
TR: I suspect that’s probably true. You are a very shrewd and wise man.
BM: I know how men think and what they crave the most.
TR: You would have made a good psychologist.
BM: On the contrary – I think I would have made a good politician. A psychologist is easily fooled. A politician only pretends to be fooled – a politician is the greatest deceiver of all. He is the master of the ancient art of manipulation.
TR: Mr. Bloomberg might not appreciate your saying that about him.
BM: I can always say I was misquoted.
TR: But my readers know I’m very careful.
BM: Sure, but he’s not one of your readers. What are people saying about me anyway?
TR: That you’re a schemer, a deceiver, a thief, a fool, a fixer, a flake, and a fraud.
BM: Well, that’s not too bad though I don’t really care what people think. I only care about what my own family thinks.
TR: They are the ones who said it. It’s in The New York Times.
BM: How can they be so ungrateful?
TR: The New York Times?
BM: No, my sons.
TR: …Ruth and your sister and your niece, too.
BM: Well, shame on them for kicking a man when he’s down - a poor elderly man.
TR: Do you think you’ll end up in prison?
BM: You mean, die in prison? Of course not. What do you think lawyers are for? By the time we get done with all the appeals, I’ll be ninety five. I just hope they can save my licenses. I might go work at Merrill Lynch or Bear Stearns or Lehman - as a partner, of course.
TR: They no longer exist.
BM: What are you saying - since when?
TR: About four months ago.
BM: Are you serious? What is this world coming to?
TR: I think they went bankrupt.
BM: I remember hearing something about it. You know, I haven’t read much in the last three years – not even the financial papers. I simply haven’t had the time.
TR: What have you been doing?
BM: Doing? Doing a lot of bookkeeping, that’s what I’ve been doing.
TR: Didn’t you have people doing that for you?
BM: They couldn’t be trusted with the Ascot accounts.
TR: A lot of your friends are angry with you.
BM: How come they weren’t mad at me when I was making them a ton of money? Do they expect me to apologize?
TR: They want their money back.
BM: Sure, sure, everybody does. Don’t they realize that asking for their money back is what caused this whole enterprise to collapse in the first place? It was like a run on the bank. I warned them. Don’t cash out, don’t cash out – wait for a scheduled distribution. Be patient. Instead, it was like a stampede of wildebeest.
TR: Didn’t you at least have a few billion left?
BM: Sure I did, but I had to pay as many people as I could before word got out that I was insolvent.
TR: Who?
BM: My closest friends.
TR: Like who?
BM: Let’s just say Bloomberg, Trump, Schumer, and Kennedy got taken care of.
TR: …Because you didn’t want to cross them or what?
BM: No, I didn’t. They’re a mean bunch – more cold-blooded and ruthless than I am, especially that Caroline girl.
TR: What about Clinton?
BM: The Clintons took their money out two months ago - even Chelsea.
TR: Maybe they knew something….
BM: Of course they knew – everybody knew. Nobody’s that dumb.
TR: And the SEC auditors?
BM: They were somewhat incompetent, but I also think they had their doubts - you know how the government is – if you have enough clout, you have nothing to fear from them. I just told them that if they wrote me up I would go above their heads. They wrote their reports full of imprecise and equivocating double talk – you know, maybe this and perhaps that; it appears that and it seems like – really vague stuff, nothing you could sink your teeth into. Naturally, the upper guys let me off the hook every time. There was a lot of gray in those reports. I also let some of the SEC higher ups invest with me.
TR: Really?
BM: Sure. Would I lie about something like that?
TR: How did you fool the sophisticated investors and hedge fund managers?
BM: Easy.
TR: How?
BM: Look, let me give you an example. I’ve been around financial jargon all my life. I know how people react to it. When they don’t understand it, they get frustrated and would rather be gored by a bull than be made to feel dumb. I will give you an introduction to my investment strategy and you tell me when to stop.
TR: Ok.
BM: Typically, a position in an Ascot Partners account will consist of the ownership of 30 to 35 S&P 100 stocks, most of them correlated to that index, the sale of out-of-the-money calls on the index, and the purchase of out-of-the-money puts on the index. The sale of the calls is designed to increase the rate of return, while allowing upward movement of the stock portfolio to the strike price of the calls. The puts, funded in large part by the sale of the calls, limit the portfolio's downside or risk ratio. A simple split-strike trade involves buying a stock at price X, selling a call option with a price Y which is above X, and purchasing a put option with a strike price Z which is below X. If the price of the stock is above Y at expiration, the stock will be called away and the investor receives Y for the stock. If the price is below Z at expiration, the put can be exercised and Z received in cash. This effectively caps the maximum gain….
TR: Stop. Please.
BM: I could go on like that for hours.
TR: I believe you.
BM: So the idiots would just say to me: “Bernie, don’t bother to explain all this to us, we trust you, you’re a genius, just send us any gains.”
TR: Do you have any words of advice for my eight readers?
BM: Tell them they’re lucky to be poor.
TR: Thank you Bernie.
BM: Thank you my friend and sorry about the cider.

Nancy Pelosi Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 12 - March 21, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Nancy Pelosi?
NP: Yes, I’m Speaker Pelosi.
TR: May I come in?
NP: What do you want here?
TR: I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment.
NP: Would you mind waiting in the foyer? I have to check with someone about this.
TR: Ok. I’ll finish my beer out here.
NP: You shouldn’t be drinking this time of day, especially not that yucky beer.
TR: That’s all I can afford.
NP: Well, it doesn’t look good.
TR: I’m almost done.
NP: Fine. Why did you want to talk to me?
TR: I had an appointment to do a short interview.
NP: You don’t look like a reporter.
TR: I have a diploma from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.
NP: Are you a spy?
TR: No. I don’t even carry a magnifying lens. I just have a camera and my recorder.
NP: That doesn’t make you a journalist.
TR: I don’t know anything else.
NP: Try running for office.
TR: Are you serious?
NP: No, of course not.
TR: How long will I have to stand here?
NP: Hillary hasn’t picked up yet. Let me try again.
TR: Hillary who?
NP: Clinton.
TR: Oh. Why do you have to ask her?
NP: You don’t need to know that.
TR: Sorry.
NP: She’s not answering. She must be very busy. Maybe I’ll just have to trust you. Leave all your equipment outside. No cameras, no cell phones, no tape recorders…. Everything will be off the record, understand?
TR: Yes. May I come in now?
NP: Go ahead; just don’t sit on any of the sofas.
TR: Ok.
NP: How long will this take?
TR: Two minutes.
NP: Go.
TR: Where?
NP: Oh my. Ask me your questions.
TR: I understand that you have been talking to the Dalai Lama.
NP: Yes, he is such a lovely man.
TR: Did you discuss the situation in Tibet?
NP: We touched on the subject of course, but we also spoke about other things.
TR: Can you elaborate?
NP: Yes, but I won’t. You don’t really need to know.
TR: Is he as charming as they say?
NP: Much more than they say. He understands everything with what I would call super clarity. We meditated together.
TR: But you also talked?
NP: I did most of the talking.
TR: I understand.
NP: What do you mean by that?
TR: Nothing. I just said I understood.
NP: Well, don’t print it. It sounds sinister.
TR: I won’t print it. I just figured that since you are the speaker….
NP: Fine.
TR: Did he complain about the Chinese?
NP: No, I wouldn’t say that. He is very patient and serene. You should buy his books.
TR: I can’t afford them.
NP: I would lend you some but I don’t trust you. You would never return them.
TR: You are assuming I’m forgetful.
NP: That and much more.
TR: I don’t understand.
NP: Good. It’s better for you.
TR: So you were impressed with the Dalai Lama?
NP: I already knew him from a previous incarnation. I think the Chinese have orchestrated some very horrible things in Tibet and they had better get out soon before President Bush hears of it.
TR: What would be wrong with that?
NP: He might decide to send troops. It would be a nightmare.
TR: So, what is your suggestion?
NP: I won’t know until Hillary calls me back.
TR: I hear your phone ringing. Good bye and thank you so much.
NP: Hello? Hillary?

The Timid Reporter

The Timid Reporter was born in Florence, Italy, on July 7, 1777. His father is Austrian and his mother was Gypsy. He is therefore half Gypsy and half Austrian, or the other way around. In the early Twentieth Century or thereabouts, he took a comprehensive correspondence course from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea, a school which is now defunct. As far as he knows, he is actually an accredited Journalist. He attributes his longevity to a family secret known only to himself, his father, his late mother, and two cousins. He has a steady gig with something called the Coffee Club Newsletter. The Timid Reporter never speaks for himself except in his interviews - such as they are. If you have any questions for him, ask them of me and I will see how I can get him to respond.