Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 22 No. 1 – January 23, 2012
Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.
TR: Good morning. Are you Newt Gingrich?
NG: Who are you? Are you with the media?
TR: Yes sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment. Sorry I’m a little late.
NG: That’s typical of you people. I expected someone much taller.
TR: Sorry, sir. I’ve been this same size since 1798.
NG: Sure, whatever you say. I know you don’t believe your own stories.
TR: May I sit down so I can ask my five questions and head on over to Romney’s headquarters?
NG: You don’t have to bother with him anymore.
TR: What do you mean?
NG: Don’t you follow the news my dear sir? Romney now looks like he might make a good Vice President. I’m giving it some thought. Sit down right there please.
TR: Ok. So, you believe you have the nomination won?
TR: Ok. So, you believe you have the nomination won?
NG: The voters of South Carolina have spoken loud and clear.
TR: What about the scandals?
NG: You mean those stories the media likes to dig up just to sell more papers?
TR: You have had several wives and …..
NG: Not as many as Larry King.
TR: Yes, but what about Fannie Mae?
NG: I’ve never had relations with Fannie Mae.
TR: But didn’t you make millions of dollars from the government agency while it was going bankrupt?
NG: I just have a good nose for smelling money. That should be viewed as a virtue. I needed the money. It was just a coincidence that it was Democratic money.
TR: People say you got rich while the country’s economy fell on its face.
NG: I think you are giving me too much credit for the recession. I had nothing to do with that. That was prompted by the Democrats.
TR: Nancy Pelosi said President Bush was to blame.
NG: I’m not President Bush.
TR: I know, but ….
NG: But nothing. I’m not President Bush. Period.
TR: He might not like it if he knew you were disavowing him.
NG: There you go again. If you don’t print it, he won’t know.
TR: Ok.
NG: You have to admit that the media seems to just be picking on me. Why don’t you pick on Romney or Santorum or Obama or Marianne.
TR: Well, I’ve always been neutral and objective. I’m a graduate of the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.
NG: I’ve never heard of it.
TR: It’s been closed for many years, since 1960 I think.
NG: No wonder.
TR: How do you respond to questions about your inability to manage money?
NG: With the truth, that’s how.
TR: But one of your women has said you always spent more than you earned.
NG: Which one?
TR: I promised Marianne I wouldn’t say.
NG: Well, your secret is safe with me, but never mind.
TR: She also said you were a little hypocrite.
NG: Look, I’m about eight inches taller than you – what does that tell you?
TR: I don’t know.
NG: It tells you she’s lying.
TR: So you never spent more than you earned?
NG: Only when necessary.
TR: And all the mistresses you had?
NG: They were girlfriends, not mistresses, and the whole thing is rather personal – nothing to do with the Republic and where the country is headed.
TR: A rumor is out that if you’re elected, you’ll push for a Constitutional Amendment to allow for two or three First Ladies?
NG: Ridiculous.
TR: Not true?
NG: Ridiculous.
TR: Do you think you’ll do well in Florida?
NG: The nomination is as good as sewed up.
TR: You seem very confident.
NG: Yes, but I was not always this way. I used to be more like you.
TR: So, what happened?
NG: What happened? One of my High School teachers opened my eyes.
TR: How?
NG: She seduced me; that’s how. You are rather naïve, you know that?
TR: I have been told.
NG: You must be at least 40?
TR: I will be 235 in July.
NG: And how many women have you had?
TR: I’m still single.
NG: You know something? You’re rather loony and more than a little pathetic. We could use you in my campaign.
TR: Doing what?
NG: Infiltrating the Romney organization. We’ve done stuff like that before.
TR: Yes, I know.
NG: You would drive them nuts over there, destroy what little they’ve got.
TR: Well, I don’t need the money but I would consider it if you agree to pay me in gold coins. I haven’t trusted any country’s currency since before 1850.
NG: I can pay you in Dollars or Euros – no gold coins.
TR: Well, the way things are going….
NG: If you’re worried about the economy, worry no more.
TR: You have a plan to get the country out of the recession?
NG: Absolutely.
TR: How will you take care of the unemployment problem?
NG: Easy. I will simply deport anyone who has been unemployed for more than three weeks. That will bring the unemployment rate down to zero.
TR: And where will you deport all those people to?
NG: China. That’s where all the jobs are.
TR: Is that legal?
NG: Look. The Chinese do not worry about legalities.
TR: I meant legal for the U.S. government.
NG: Well, people will probably sue the government in a class action but by the time it gets settled, we will be long gone.
TR: Not I.
NG: Why do you insist that you’re a very old man?
TR: Because I am. I always tell the truth. I was born in 1777. July 7.
NG: You must be high on something.
TR: I drink a tea made from Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.
NG: I’m calling security.
TR: Go ahead. I’m timid but I am not afraid of anything. I speak the truth.
NG: If I give you the benefit of the doubt, will you share some of this tea with me?
TR: My father would have to decide.
NG: Your father is alive?
TR: Yes. He used to know all the Roman Emperors. He is older than I.
NG: Of course. Where is he now?
TR: In Vienna, Austria.
NG: I have a home in Vienna. We will make a fortune with this. Perhaps we could meet.
TR: I will check with my cousins.
NG: And where are they?
TR: In Nepal.
NG: How can you get in touch?
TR: They have cell phones.
NG: God bless the U.S.A.
TR: Why?
NG: American technology will save the day. They can call me direct. I’ll give you my cell number. This is really mind-boggling. To be rich and to be young and to be powerful - what more can anyone ask?
TR: To sleep well?
NG: Yeah, that too.
TR: Well, I have run out of questions as usual, and I must be going to Romney’s headquarters now.
NG: Good luck with those people but do give them my best.
TR: Yes sir, I will.
Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.
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