An interview from long ago conducted by The Timid Reporter, who else?
Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 23 - April 10, 2008
Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.
TR: Good afternoon. Are you Katie Couric?
KC: That’s amusing, but I shouldn’t be surprised you’re asking me that question.
TR: Why not?
KC: I’m not that well-known anymore. Hardly anyone watches my newscast.
TR: Don’t feel bad, I only have eight readers.
KC: Thank God.
TR: What do you mean?
KC: Never mind, just come on in.
TR: This is a nice office.
KC: It’s self-serve, ok? Pour yourself a drink, or have some juice, or coffee, or whatever you want.
TR: Did you make the coffee?
KC: Of course not. Those days are over.
TR: I’ll have a beer.
KC: Corona Light?
TR: Why does everybody like Corona Light?
KC: Peer pressure, I think. Chalk it up to the herd mentality. When the top dogs do it, everybody else follows.
TR: I see you still have your Absolut Vodka.
KC: Yes, I’m just going against the grain. I have a maverick streak in me.
TR: Are the rumors true?
KC: That I’m leaving CBS?
TR: Yes.
KC: No.
TR: Just no?
KC: Well, I suppose I could comment on the rumors and how I think they got started and why, but I don’t see that it would serve any purpose.
TR: How about a self-serving purpose?
KC: Ok, I’ll do it. It might improve your ratings.
TR: Thanks.
KC: I believe the Wall Street Journal wants me out. Murdoch and his associates work in mysterious ways.
TR: Who is that?
KC: Don’t you know anything? He owns the Journal and a host of other media outlets. The man is out of control. He is anti-NOW and a rabid anti-feminist. It’s a gender thing. I bet you anything he watches my show. It’s usually that way, like the Spitzer thing. I’m sure that if people wait long enough, my ratings will go up. My goal is to reach ten million viewers – the top brass is reviewing several of my proposals right now.
TR: Ten million is double what you have now.
KC: Yes, but I can do it.
TR: What ideas do you have in mind?
KC: I really can’t discuss them.
TR: I promise I won’t print anything.
KC: Ok. For one, I plan on doing a special on Elvis sightings.
TR: On a serious newscast?
KC: Yes, it’s never been tried before. It’s not definite that he is really dead. There have been dozens of sightings and they can’t all be fake.... The newscast will be done from the Graceland Mansion in Memphis.
TR: I can’t imagine the newscast from there.
KC: Well, trust me; it will boost the ratings, especially in the South. After that, I will follow up with another mansion newscast.
TR: What mansion newscast?
KC: The Playboy Mansion. That will deal with gender bias issues.
TR: I can hardly wait.
KC: That one will be followed by a show from Gracie Mansion.
TR: Who owns that?
KC: Nobody – the people of New York.
TR: Oh. What will that be about?
KC: That show will deal with why we haven’t had a President from the State of New York in a long time.
TR: Is that really a pressing issue?
KC: It’s just to boost the ratings.
TR: Oh.
KC: That, and all my other proposals, will prove once and for all that I’m not just a pretty face – a lightweight.
TR: But, you are very, very pretty.
KC: Well, I suppose you mean it as a compliment, but in my case, it just might be a hindrance. That’s why the CNN rumor can’t be true either.
TR: CNN?
KC: If you tell me you don’t know who they are I’ll have to ask you to leave.
TR: I do know.
KC: Ok, fine. First of all, CNN asks all of its women to show lots of skin. It’s in their contract. It’s their way to get good ratings but I’m not about to stoop that low. Secondly, Larry King will probably never retire. I could do his show with my eyes closed, but he just refuses to retire. He is such a terrible man – I heard he’s been married ten times. What would he do in retirement, go get married again?
TR: Does he have high ratings?
KC: Not from the ex-spouses. And, I don’t know if they would pay me enough to take over his show.
TR: What about NPR?
KC: I don’t do radio. My good looks would be wasted there.
TR: I understand. Thank you so much.
Volume 18, No. 23 - April 10, 2008
Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.
TR: Good afternoon. Are you Katie Couric?
KC: That’s amusing, but I shouldn’t be surprised you’re asking me that question.
TR: Why not?
KC: I’m not that well-known anymore. Hardly anyone watches my newscast.
TR: Don’t feel bad, I only have eight readers.
KC: Thank God.
TR: What do you mean?
KC: Never mind, just come on in.
TR: This is a nice office.
KC: It’s self-serve, ok? Pour yourself a drink, or have some juice, or coffee, or whatever you want.
TR: Did you make the coffee?
KC: Of course not. Those days are over.
TR: I’ll have a beer.
KC: Corona Light?
TR: Why does everybody like Corona Light?
KC: Peer pressure, I think. Chalk it up to the herd mentality. When the top dogs do it, everybody else follows.
TR: I see you still have your Absolut Vodka.
KC: Yes, I’m just going against the grain. I have a maverick streak in me.
TR: Are the rumors true?
KC: That I’m leaving CBS?
TR: Yes.
KC: No.
TR: Just no?
KC: Well, I suppose I could comment on the rumors and how I think they got started and why, but I don’t see that it would serve any purpose.
TR: How about a self-serving purpose?
KC: Ok, I’ll do it. It might improve your ratings.
TR: Thanks.
KC: I believe the Wall Street Journal wants me out. Murdoch and his associates work in mysterious ways.
TR: Who is that?
KC: Don’t you know anything? He owns the Journal and a host of other media outlets. The man is out of control. He is anti-NOW and a rabid anti-feminist. It’s a gender thing. I bet you anything he watches my show. It’s usually that way, like the Spitzer thing. I’m sure that if people wait long enough, my ratings will go up. My goal is to reach ten million viewers – the top brass is reviewing several of my proposals right now.
TR: Ten million is double what you have now.
KC: Yes, but I can do it.
TR: What ideas do you have in mind?
KC: I really can’t discuss them.
TR: I promise I won’t print anything.
KC: Ok. For one, I plan on doing a special on Elvis sightings.
TR: On a serious newscast?
KC: Yes, it’s never been tried before. It’s not definite that he is really dead. There have been dozens of sightings and they can’t all be fake.... The newscast will be done from the Graceland Mansion in Memphis.
TR: I can’t imagine the newscast from there.
KC: Well, trust me; it will boost the ratings, especially in the South. After that, I will follow up with another mansion newscast.
TR: What mansion newscast?
KC: The Playboy Mansion. That will deal with gender bias issues.
TR: I can hardly wait.
KC: That one will be followed by a show from Gracie Mansion.
TR: Who owns that?
KC: Nobody – the people of New York.
TR: Oh. What will that be about?
KC: That show will deal with why we haven’t had a President from the State of New York in a long time.
TR: Is that really a pressing issue?
KC: It’s just to boost the ratings.
TR: Oh.
KC: That, and all my other proposals, will prove once and for all that I’m not just a pretty face – a lightweight.
TR: But, you are very, very pretty.
KC: Well, I suppose you mean it as a compliment, but in my case, it just might be a hindrance. That’s why the CNN rumor can’t be true either.
TR: CNN?
KC: If you tell me you don’t know who they are I’ll have to ask you to leave.
TR: I do know.
KC: Ok, fine. First of all, CNN asks all of its women to show lots of skin. It’s in their contract. It’s their way to get good ratings but I’m not about to stoop that low. Secondly, Larry King will probably never retire. I could do his show with my eyes closed, but he just refuses to retire. He is such a terrible man – I heard he’s been married ten times. What would he do in retirement, go get married again?
TR: Does he have high ratings?
KC: Not from the ex-spouses. And, I don’t know if they would pay me enough to take over his show.
TR: What about NPR?
KC: I don’t do radio. My good looks would be wasted there.
TR: I understand. Thank you so much.
KC: Thank you.
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