Doomsday Scenario 2013

In keeping with my Realist (not necessarily Pessimist) view of things, let me predict what might happen in the U.S. in the near future - very possibly in or by 2014. First, the U.S. Federal Government will run up an unimaginably huge deficit, its credit rating will plummet, and the dollar will become nearly worthless. The government will then, of course, be unable to meet its obligations as far as pensions and Social Security payments. China, India, and Europe will come to the rescue by buying American companies, industries, and businesses and hiring Americans to run them and work in them. The U.S. will have to sell U.S. territory as well in order to survive. The American Southwest will again become part of Mexico. As a result of several natural catastrophes, American food production will shrink to well below minimal subsistence levels. Millions will starve. Violence, political chaos, and social desperation will prevail in every American city. Millions will die from simple diseases. In return for total disarmament, Russia will help out with the food shortages. America's economic and military presence all over the globe will be scaled back to zero. This will plunge the entire world into a new dark ages for a short while. Europe will then take control of all Middle Eastern countries and will become dominant among world nations once again. Prosperity will have disappeared but the world will have peace and security. I might, of course, be way off the mark. Pay no attention to me. 

Katie Couric Interview

An interview from long ago conducted by The Timid Reporter, who else?

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 23 - April 10, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Katie Couric?
KC: That’s amusing, but I shouldn’t be surprised you’re asking me that question.
TR: Why not?
KC: I’m not that well-known anymore. Hardly anyone watches my newscast.
TR: Don’t feel bad, I only have eight readers.
KC: Thank God.
TR: What do you mean?
KC: Never mind, just come on in.
TR: This is a nice office.
KC: It’s self-serve, ok? Pour yourself a drink, or have some juice, or coffee, or whatever you want.
TR: Did you make the coffee?
KC: Of course not. Those days are over.
TR: I’ll have a beer.
KC: Corona Light?
TR: Why does everybody like Corona Light?
KC: Peer pressure, I think. Chalk it up to the herd mentality. When the top dogs do it, everybody else follows.
TR: I see you still have your Absolut Vodka.
KC: Yes, I’m just going against the grain. I have a maverick streak in me.
TR: Are the rumors true?
KC: That I’m leaving CBS?
TR: Yes.
KC: No.
TR: Just no?
KC: Well, I suppose I could comment on the rumors and how I think they got started and why, but I don’t see that it would serve any purpose.
TR: How about a self-serving purpose?
KC: Ok, I’ll do it. It might improve your ratings.
TR: Thanks.
KC: I believe the Wall Street Journal wants me out. Murdoch and his associates work in mysterious ways.
TR: Who is that?
KC: Don’t you know anything? He owns the Journal and a host of other media outlets. The man is out of control. He is anti-NOW and a rabid anti-feminist. It’s a gender thing. I bet you anything he watches my show. It’s usually that way, like the Spitzer thing. I’m sure that if people wait long enough, my ratings will go up. My goal is to reach ten million viewers – the top brass is reviewing several of my proposals right now.
TR: Ten million is double what you have now.
KC: Yes, but I can do it.
TR: What ideas do you have in mind?
KC: I really can’t discuss them.
TR: I promise I won’t print anything.
KC: Ok. For one, I plan on doing a special on Elvis sightings.
TR: On a serious newscast?
KC: Yes, it’s never been tried before. It’s not definite that he is really dead. There have been dozens of sightings and they can’t all be fake.... The newscast will be done from the Graceland Mansion in Memphis.
TR: I can’t imagine the newscast from there.
KC: Well, trust me; it will boost the ratings, especially in the South. After that, I will follow up with another mansion newscast.
TR: What mansion newscast?
KC: The Playboy Mansion. That will deal with gender bias issues.
TR: I can hardly wait.
KC: That one will be followed by a show from Gracie Mansion.
TR: Who owns that?
KC: Nobody – the people of New York.
TR: Oh. What will that be about?
KC: That show will deal with why we haven’t had a President from the State of New York in a long time.
TR: Is that really a pressing issue?
KC: It’s just to boost the ratings.
TR: Oh.
KC: That, and all my other proposals, will prove once and for all that I’m not just a pretty face – a lightweight.
TR: But, you are very, very pretty.
KC: Well, I suppose you mean it as a compliment, but in my case, it just might be a hindrance. That’s why the CNN rumor can’t be true either.
TR: CNN?
KC: If you tell me you don’t know who they are I’ll have to ask you to leave.
TR: I do know.
KC: Ok, fine. First of all, CNN asks all of its women to show lots of skin. It’s in their contract. It’s their way to get good ratings but I’m not about to stoop that low. Secondly, Larry King will probably never retire. I could do his show with my eyes closed, but he just refuses to retire. He is such a terrible man – I heard he’s been married ten times. What would he do in retirement, go get married again?
TR: Does he have high ratings?
KC: Not from the ex-spouses. And, I don’t know if they would pay me enough to take over his show.
TR: What about NPR?
KC: I don’t do radio. My good looks would be wasted there.
TR: I understand. Thank you so much.

KC: Thank you.

Off Street Journal

Correspondents around the globe? We don't have any. We leave that to the big boys. We're here to make fun of them - the posturing, the pretense, the commercialism. PLEASE. The only correspondent we use is the Timid Reporter. That's enough for us and (besides) he's the only one we can afford - really. Even when he's not entirely sober, the man is as honest as the day is long. He may be timid, but he's not naive and he's not afraid. On top of that, he is so old (he'll be 232 in July) he's the only correspondent in the world who can claim to have lived history, not just read about it in a book.

Barbara Walters interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 30 - May 2, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Barbara Walters?
BW: Oh, please. I’m sure I’m still recognizable despite my age. Do come in and make yourself comfortable.
TR: I didn’t mean to….
BW: Don’t worry about it. Everybody gets old. Someday, even you will be old.
TR: I am already. I remember the Civil War.
BW: That’s impossible. You must have dreamt it. I’ve known a lot of people over the years and I know first hand from one famous Hindu doctor….
TR: I still have my Union Army uniform from the war, and….
BW: Does it still fit?
TR: Yes it does.
BW: That’s amazing. How can that be?
TR: I’m supposed to be asking the questions.
BW: Yes, of course, it’s just that I can’t help myself…. You could have made a fortune interviewing those famous people – Lincoln, Grant, Lee,…
TR: I didn’t know how to read or write.
BW: Oh,…. I guess that would have been a handicap for anybody.
TR: You started out as a writer.
BW: How is it you don’t show your real age?
TR: I come from a family of long-lived people.
BW: But you have short legs….
TR: Long-lived, not long-limbed….
BW: You have a tendency to mumble.
TR: I’m not the only one…..
BW: I beg your pardon ….
TR: I didn’t mean it in a bad way….
BW: Never mind. I’m very, very interested in how a man – a person – any person – can stay so young for so long.
TR: I’m not young.
BW: Well, ok – let’s just say young-looking.
TR: As I said, my family tree has several ….
BW: There has to be more to it than that.
TR: I have taken Chinese herbs for a long time….
BW: I knew China would come into the picture sooner or later. Tell me more. I’m dying to know.
TR: Most of the herbs are fairly common, but they are prepared in combination with the bark of a rare tree found only in the Himalayas.
BW: What kind of tree?
TR: I can’t say. My cousin sends me the herbs from Thailand.
BW: Is this some sort of secret?
TR: I would tell you if I knew.
BW: Why isn’t it on the market? I mean, it would make you rich.
TR: There’s only one tree left.
BW: So there’s not enough to go around? Is that what you’re saying?
TR: I don’t know.
BW: Is it a big tree?
TR: I can’t say.
BW: You can’t say or you won’t say? Surely you can tell me. I’m not Connie Chung.
TR: Who’s Connie Chung?
BW: You know, technically, this is not a Chinese tree.
TR: I wouldn’t lie to you. I think it’s in Tibet.
BW: The Himalayas are in Nepal. Didn’t you stop to consider that?
TR: I don’t know….
BW: Have you ever talked to the Dalai Lama?
TR: No, but I interviewed Nancy Pelosi and she talked to the Dalai Lama.
BW: I know Nancy. She must know something about this. How did we get off on this tangent?
TR: You asked about my age.
BW: Do you have a picture of this tree?
TR: My cousin’s sister-in-law might have one.
BW: Where does she live?
TR: In Nepal, right on the border with Tibet.
BW: What does she do there?
TR: She works for the U.N.
BW: Are you on friendly terms with her?
TR: I’m on friendly terms with everybody.
BW: Can you get her on the phone?
TR: I’m sure my cousin can.
BW: What does your cousin do?
TR: He works for the U.N.
BW: I know Kofi Annan.
TR: Coffee who?
BW: This will be much easier than I thought. Can you tell me more?
TR: Well, the herbs can be taken as a tea or they can be smoked.
BW: Would you happen to have some on you?
TR: Yes.
BW: May I see a sample?
TR: When can I start asking you some questions?
BW: We might not have time for that. Can you come back another time? I would love to continue our talk.
TR: I will show you the sample when I come back.
BW: How about your cousin’s name and phone number?
TR: That too. Thank you so much for your time.