Sarah Palin interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 47 - September 12, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Sarah Palin?
SP: Sarah Louise Heath Palin – yes, I am.
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter.
SP: Yes, you look the part. You’re two minutes late.
TR: I took the bus to get here and the bus was late.
SP: No, no, no – no excuses, sir.
TR: Ok, sorry. Where can I sit?
SP: One of these two chairs....
TR: They look pretty worn.
SP: Well, I haven’t gotten around to ordering my new furniture. I really haven’t had time to even look at catalogues, you know. I’ve been staying up late studying.
TR: What?
SP: Studying....
TR: Studying what?
SP: What do you think? Everything.....
TR: Do you think you’re a lightweight, as they say?
SP: I was told there would be no personal questions.
TR: That’s not what I meant.
SP: You’re not from Alaska – you don’t speak plainly.
TR: I was born in Florence.
SP: Where’s that?
TR: Italy.
SP: Of course. They are one of our allies.
TR: Can I have a beer?
SP: Absolutely not. Why would you even want a beer?
TR: Because I’m thirsty?
SP: No, that won’t do. I think you need some coffee. That’s what I think.
TR: Ok, I understand. Can I ask you about Wasilla?
SP: Sure, that’s my hometown.
TR: Were you a really tough Mayor?
SP: Only the people who got fired think so. I did what I had to do, that’s all. I balanced the budget, I cut taxes, I almost did away with the museum....
TR: You don’t like art?
SP: Of course I do - we have moose heads hanging on our walls all over the house.
TR: Do you enjoy firing people?
SP: I think I have a right to work with people who will work with me.
TR: People who always agree with you?
SP: I wouldn’t say always, but a good 99% of the time would be nice.
TR: But you have a reputation for being aggressive and controlling.
SP: I have a feeling you have been coached by the Obama people.
TR: They called you Sarah Barracuda in high school, no?
SP: Yes, but I also won the Miss Congeniality title in the Miss Alaska Pageant.
TR: Ok. Why don’t you like endangered species?
SP: I like all species – endangered or not. I just don’t think there are as many endangered species as they say. Maybe the human race is the most endangered species of all.
TR: How about the beluga whale?
SP: We have plenty of those.
TR: Why are you a member of the NRA?
SP: All true Republicans are, except maybe Joe Lieberman.
TR: Can I print that?
SP: You’d better not.
TR: Ok, I won’t. Why was it that you never had a passport?
SP: It’s not a crime not to have one.
TR: ...but, if you want to travel overseas.
SP: It’s not a crime not to travel overseas.
TR: I see.
SP: Many of our early American statesmen never travelled.
TR: Those were simpler times.
SP: Of course those were simpler times, but they also saw the need to stay close to home, to take care of the peoples’ needs first. Ambassadors used to travel, but not Presidents and certainly not Vice Presidents.
TR: You have been criticized for not knowing any heads of state. Do you think you could deal with Hugo Chavez?
SP: I have a few ideas but I can’t discuss them with you. Mr. Chavez can be temperamental, but there’s a reason for it – a very obvious reason. The man needs a stable social life.
TR: How do you know?
SP: A mother just knows these things. Besides, the CIA gave me a full briefing on him this morning.
TR: Do you think Hillary resents you?
SP: Hillary who?
TR: Never mind. Are you concerned about global warming?
SP: There are two sides to that coin. Global warming can be bad but it can also be good.
TR: Yes?
SP: That’s all I’m going to say about it.
TR: Ok. Where do you stand on the war?
SP: I’m in favor of winning it.
TR: What do you think led you to where you are today?
SP: Term limits.
TR: Term limits?
SP: Certainly. If it hadn’t been for the term limits in Wasilla, I would have run again and again and again and today I would still be Mayor of Wasilla.
TR: Thank you so much Governor Palin.
SP: Thank you sir.

Nancy Pelosi Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 12 - March 21, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Nancy Pelosi?
NP: Yes, I’m Speaker Pelosi.
TR: May I come in?
NP: What do you want here?
TR: I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment.
NP: Would you mind waiting in the foyer? I have to check with someone about this.
TR: Ok. I’ll finish my beer out here.
NP: You shouldn’t be drinking this time of day, especially not that yucky beer.
TR: That’s all I can afford.
NP: Well, it doesn’t look good.
TR: I’m almost done.
NP: Fine. Why did you want to talk to me?
TR: I had an appointment to do a short interview.
NP: You don’t look like a reporter.
TR: I have a diploma from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.
NP: Are you a spy?
TR: No. I don’t even carry a magnifying lens. I just have a camera and my recorder.
NP: That doesn’t make you a journalist.
TR: I don’t know anything else.
NP: Try running for office.
TR: Are you serious?
NP: No, of course not.
TR: How long will I have to stand here?
NP: Hillary hasn’t picked up yet. Let me try again.
TR: Hillary who?
NP: Clinton.
TR: Oh. Why do you have to ask her?
NP: You don’t need to know that.
TR: Sorry.
NP: She’s not answering. She must be very busy. Maybe I’ll just have to trust you. Leave all your equipment outside. No cameras, no cell phones, no tape recorders…. Everything will be off the record, understand?
TR: Yes. May I come in now?
NP: Go ahead; just don’t sit on any of the sofas.
TR: Ok.
NP: How long will this take?
TR: Two minutes.
NP: Go.
TR: Where?
NP: Oh my. Ask me your questions.
TR: I understand that you have been talking to the Dalai Lama.
NP: Yes, he is such a lovely man.
TR: Did you discuss the situation in Tibet?
NP: We touched on the subject of course, but we also spoke about other things.
TR: Can you elaborate?
NP: Yes, but I won’t. You don’t really need to know.
TR: Is he as charming as they say?
NP: Much more than they say. He understands everything with what I would call super clarity. We meditated together.
TR: But you also talked?
NP: I did most of the talking.
TR: I understand.
NP: What do you mean by that?
TR: Nothing. I just said I understood.
NP: Well, don’t print it. It sounds sinister.
TR: I won’t print it. I just figured that since you are the speaker….
NP: Fine.
TR: Did he complain about the Chinese?
NP: No, I wouldn’t say that. He is very patient and serene. You should buy his books.
TR: I can’t afford them.
NP: I would lend you some but I don’t trust you. You would never return them.
TR: You are assuming I’m forgetful.
NP: That and much more.
TR: I don’t understand.
NP: Good. It’s better for you.
TR: So you were impressed with the Dalai Lama?
NP: I already knew him from a previous incarnation. I think the Chinese have orchestrated some very horrible things in Tibet and they had better get out soon before President Bush hears of it.
TR: What would be wrong with that?
NP: He might decide to send troops. It would be a nightmare.
TR: So, what is your suggestion?
NP: I won’t know until Hillary calls me back.
TR: I hear your phone ringing. Good bye and thank you so much.
NP: Hello? Hillary?