Audrina Patridge Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 11 - March 20, 2008

Warning: any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Audrina Patridge?
AP: Who are you? Do you have a camera?
TR: Yes. I always carry one when I’m on assignment.
AP: You didn’t answer my first question. I’m not letting you in until you do.
TR: I’m a reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
AP: I’m not talking to anyone until my press agent tells me to.
TR: You don’t trust me? It will be very brief. I promise you. I can never think of enough questions for a long interview.
AP: I’ll give you three minutes. Don’t let anybody see you coming in here.
TR: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful.
AP: You haven’t seen my pictures?
TR: No. They said they were X-rated.
AP: They are not. I’ll show them to you. Here, sit down please.
TR: Oh, my God. You are even more beautiful than I thought.
AP: Thank you.
TR: You must have at least a hundred of them in that box.
AP: One hundred fourteen – no duplicates.
TR: Can I have some?
AP: Never. You are so naïve. They would absolutely kill me if they saw all these.
TR: Why?
AP: I don’t really know. I’m so upset over the reaction of some people.
TR: Who?
AP: I guess people who don’t like me and don’t want my career to blossom.
TR: You don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
AP: I’m really not, but I have to do what’s best for my future.
TR: You are just absolutely beautiful. Is that really you in those pictures?
AP: Of course.
TR: How would I be able to tell?
AP: I’m not about to show you.
TR: Are you busy later tonight?
AP: I’m not an escort. I’m an actress – that’s better than just being a model.
TR: Yes. I’m sorry. I got carried away.
AP: I know the feeling. I’ve learned a lot these last two days. Put your camera away, please.
TR: I was just going to clean the lens.
AP: Why? I won’t let you take pictures of anything here, not even my cat.
TR: Sorry.
AP: How did you find out where I lived anyway?
TR: I subscribe to a service that snoops on celebrities and politicians.
AP: You’re not a stalker?
TR: No, no…I’m just a reporter – a journalist actually.
AP: Is there a difference?
TR: A difference in what?
AP: Never mind. Maybe you can help me get over this scandal.
TR: I don’t see how – I only have eight readers.
AP: That’s really pitiful. You should do something scandalous to get exposure.
TR: I’m not attractive like you.
AP: No, you’re not. Maybe you should do a big story on someone really distasteful like Britney.
TR: Britney Spears? I think that woman is totally boring. She has nothing to say.
AP: You couldn’t get past the bodyguards either?
TR: No.
AP: I thought so.
TR: I’ve tried everything. I even got a fake letter of recommendation from Walt Disney but she wouldn’t buy it.
AP: I have some interesting pictures of her that nobody has ever seen.
TR: That’s impossible.
AP: Nope. I will share two of them with you if you do something for me.
TR: Anything. I’ll do anything to talk to Britney.
AP: Ok, ok. Don’t get so out-of-control.
TR: Sorry. What do you want me to do?
AP: Talk to the Playboy people for me.
TR: I can do that. I have Hefner’s addresses and cell phone numbers.
AP: Great. Tell them I’m still interested in doing the spread. I want something in the high six-figure range for the shoot. If you can get that gig for me, I’ll share Britney’s photos with you.
TR: Cool. No problem.
AP: I bet you they now feel like the guy that turned down the Beatles.
TR: For sure.
AP: Maybe both of us can get something out of this. Just don’t tell anybody.
TR: I won’t.
AP: Thanks. You’re sweet.
TR: Thank you Ms Patridge. Bye.

Electric Cars

If you followed the news yesterday, you might know that Tesla Motors had a public offering on Wall Street. They raised lots of money - that should help them further develop their electric car. The current price of a Tesla car is about $100,000, but they hope to be able to bring the price down to about $50,000 within a year. At that rate, the little car will not really make much of an impact on the greening of the environment. Only people who want to show off their environmental friendliness will want to buy this car. The masses will still prefer the Cooper or the Corolla or the Focus or the Leaf or the Lexus.

Pope Benedict Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 20 No. 1 – February 10, 2010

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Guten Tag. Sind Sie Pope Benedict?
PB: Hahaha. Ja. Hereingekommen bitte.
TR: Ich spreche Deutsches, aber meine Lesser tun nicht.
PB: Ooooh. Wurde Sie mögen mich Englisch sprechen?
TR: Ja. Please.
PB: Ok. You know you have a good German accent.
TR: I got it from my father – he is Austrian.
PB: Good. Have a seat right here. I had some cookies and tea prepared for you.
TR: Thank you but could I have a beer instead? Corona Light?
PB: Hahaha. We do serve beer once in a while but only after five in the afternoon. You will excuse our traditional protocol?
TR: I always respect traditions and customs – no problem. I guess there is a reason some things never change. You know, even this room has not changed. It looks exactly the same to me.
PB: You have been here before?
TR: Yes.
PB: Wann? I do not remember that.
TR: October, 1793.
PB: You need to go to confession soon my son.
TR: My father and I were delivering new rifles and uniforms to the Papal Guards – he was in the arms business back then. I was 16 years old. I remember this room vividly.
PB: But, I had new carpet installed here when I became Pope.
TR: Yes, I know it’s new but the design is the same, the fiber is the same, and the placement on the floor is exactly the same. It’s new but it’s exactly like the old – very luxurious - very fine quality. I remember it. The paintings are the same and the furniture, too.
PB: I don’t know how you know but you are absolutely right. You said your father was Austrian?
TR: He is.
PB: He is living?
TR: Yes sir.
PB: Did you see His Holiness in 1793 then?
TR: No. He wouldn’t see us because my father was selling weapons to the French revolutionaries. That was Pope Pius I think.
PB: Yes, Pius VI was against the revolution.
TR: He also only paid us 50% - the balance was never paid.
PB: That is unbelievable.
TR: It was no big deal. We wrote off the bad debt – it wasn’t a large number of rifles anyway.
PB: I was not referring to the debt. How can any man live so long? Adam and his immediate descendants lived long but not modern men. You don’t look a day over 40.
TR: I was in fact born in 1777.
PB: And your father?
TR: I don’t know, but he is older than I.
PB: Ja. Of course he would be. You should bring him here. I am interested in talking to him at length.
TR: He has told me stories about the Roman Empire.
PB: Fascinating - fascinating. How have you managed to live so long? Do you know?
TR: Yes. We regularly drink tea made from some Chinese herbs combined with the bark of a tree in the Himalayas.
PB: You know where the tree is and the herbs?
TR: My cousins do.
PB: …And you haven’t shared this with anyone else?
TR: Well, Barbara Walters was very curious about it when I interviewed her - Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, too.
PB: Who are they? Are they Catholic?
TR: I have no idea. They are just ordinary business people from the United States.
PB: Oh. Have they tried to buy this secret from you?
TR: They have no way of contacting me – only my father and my two cousins know where I am at any given time.
PB: Good. Good. I will write out a personal invitation for your father. I take it on faith that everything you have told me is true.
TR: Sure. I never lie – regardless. I need to ask you a few questions though.
PB: Ja. I forgot you came to interview me.
TR: I only have four or five questions – I can never think of anything interesting to ask.
PB: Well, go ahead anyway.
TR: Well, first of all, I was wondering about now that you are Pope, if the Italians will ever be Pope again?
PB: Well, we do not exactly have to rotate the Holy Office but they can try.
TR: Will the Vatican always be in Rome?
PB: Actually, I have been thinking of establishing a summer Vatican in Berlin. Maybe we can try it out for a few years – for the German Popes.
TR: Do you think there will be opposition to the idea? It sounds very novel.
PB: Well, I am not the President of a country – I am the Pope. There is no legislature here. When I decide to do something, it is done. Besides, the weather there is better than in London.
TR: Oh, for sure. I used to live there. How about the Middle East?
PB: Ooooh, the weather there is even worse. Too hot.
TR: I meant – what do you think of the prospects for peace in the Middle East?
PB: I think it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle….
TR: So, it’s not possible?
PB: Perhaps it is. I plan to set an example for our brothers in the Middle East.
TR: How?
PB: I will begin the process of reuniting the Protestants and the Catholics - all of us. When the Reformation began, it was mostly due to abuses in the Church which have now largely disappeared. It is reasonable, therefore, that if most of the abuses are gone, then the schism should be gone too. We are not all that different. I think it can be done in this generation.
TR: Really?
PB: Ja, but that’s not all. After the Church is once more united, I have a plan for uniting the Church and the State.
TR: Does anyone else know about this?
PB: Nooooo. I trust you will keep it to yourself.
TR: Ok.
PB: Once the Middle Easterners see what we have done, they will work toward reconciliation, too.
TR: But who will head this new organization?
PB: That can be figured out as we go. The French would probably be interested. We just need to agree on one thing without exception.
TR: What’s that?
PB: Latin will have to be declared the official language – the language of peace.
TR: What about celibacy?
PB: We will either all be celibate or all be allowed to marry.
TR: Even your Holiness?
PB: Yes, I’m not that old, I could meet a nice girl, and if I get to see your father soon, I might live to be a thousand. With God, all things are possible. When you finish your tea, maybe you can tell me about some of these old paintings. I have always wondered where they came from.
TR: I would be happy to.
PB: Danke.
TR: Thank you too.

Silent music

My, oh my. I just heard that the Honolulu Symphony has declared bankruptcy. No more concerts for them. The Seattle Symphony is also in some sort of trouble - the Utah Symphony as well. The Cleveland Orchestra might go on strike this weekend. I'm going to have to think about this for a couple of minutes.

Ok. Here's what needs to happen. It seems that forever, orchestras have been playing the same music over and over and over and over and over and over.... Composers have been writing new music - sure they have. Unfortunately, it's plain garbage that only conductors like or pretend to like because of peer pressure. Audiences don't like to pay to go hear garbage. They would rather sing in the shower. Someone in a position of authority needs to let composers know that music should be inspired and communicate something that inspires. Don't write music as if you were a mathematician or an engineer. That's for students. PLEASE.

Inertia

One of the causes of poverty is simple inertia. I am writing this only to make this account active again. You are free to ignore it. I will keep writing until I have enough lines to cover the photo to the left. I have not decided what photo that will be. Something nice I hope - if I can find something somewhere. In the meantime, I will only beat around the bush, saying nothing. The lady at left did not have to enhance her beauty by applying ink to her body but she did.

Robert Mugabe Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 3 – July 20, 2009

Another interview from the Timid Reporter… Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon sir. Are you President Mugabe?
RM: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t?
TR: I would say you’re pulling my leg.
RM: You’re a born diplomat my good sir.
TR: Thank you. Can we sit down?
RM: Yes, of course, but first come in please. I hope my security staff doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
TR: Not at all. I know there are forty four of them – I’m not going to try anything.
RM: You actually counted them!! I didn’t even notice. That’s very good.
TR: Well, I’m half Gypsy.
RM: Roma!!! Well, I’m all African. You’re welcome in my country.
TR: I know you only allowed either four questions or six minutes so may I get started?
RM: Which do you choose?
TR: The six minutes.
RM: I’ll warn you my answers can be lengthy.
TR: Ok, then, I’ll take the four questions.
RM: That’s the smart thing. Go ahead.
TR: Why can’t Zimbabwe feed itself?
RM: Its farmers can’t grow enough food.
TR: Yes, but why is that?
RM: They don’t know how.
TR: Why do I feel like you’ve tricked me?
RM: Because I have. You have one more question left.
TR: The world says you’re a scoundrel and a thief.
RM: I am an educated man and a good politician. If the world says this or that, what’s that to me? I’m still the boss here.
TR: You are very rich and your people are very poor.
RM: Nobody gave me anything. I worked for what I have.
TR: You have everything and your people have nothing.
RM: Look, someone has to be in charge. There’s nobody else to take my place.
TR: You are indispensable.
RM: Precisely. I was elected by the people. If they were unhappy with the way I run things, they would have voted me out, don’t you think?
TR: But you have all the guns.
RM: Democracy isn’t about guns. It’s about ballot boxes.
TR: People say you cheated in the last election.
RM: Well, if you know of any particular person or any box in any district which was somehow cheated, let me know.
TR: I don’t know.
RM: Well, you see?
TR: You don’t even provide basic services.
RM: Define basic services.
TR: Health care, schools, infrastructure, business controls, police protection….
RM: Ok, ok. The problem there is that there is not enough money to run everything. After I take my cut, what’s left is a fraction of what the country needs just to get by. We have to import all our food, too. On top of that, I have been cursed with people who don’t like to work.
TR: How do you expect them to work if your economy has not created any jobs since 1984?
RM: My political enemies have instigated all kinds of dirty tricks by outsiders to make things impossible for me. They are a bunch of idiots. I am aware of everything that goes on in my country. I am an educated man. As for police protection, I get plenty of it. That was your last question, by the way.
TR: You have a lot of honorary degrees from prestigious universities.
RM: You have done your homework.
TR: Some of those degrees have been revoked.
RM: They are a bunch of idiots.
TR: Your inflation is at 8000%
RM: That’s meaningless. There are precious few products that are affected by inflation.
TR: Precisely. Independence was a godsend for you.
RM: Precisely.
TR: You changed the names of a lot of places in the country.
RM: Not a lot but maybe a few. Salisbury became Harare but we didn’t change the name of the steak.
TR: Only your friends enjoy the good things here.
RM: Loyalty doesn’t come cheap.
TR: Things won’t change soon.
RM: We need nuclear power plants - that’s what we need.
TR: You need Uranium or Plutonium first.
RM: We have both already, just don’t tell anyone.
TR: I won’t.
RM: For whatever reason, I can sense you are an honest man. Just beware – even the most honest and just and kind can be corrupted. Since I like you, I will allow one more question.
TR: What keeps a man in power from ruling justly and benignly – for the good of the people?
RM: It all has to do with your relationship with your mother.
TR: Sigmund Freud.
RM: Yes. I told you I was an educated man.
TR: I knew Sigmund Freud – he was an idiot. He smoked smelly cigars, too.
RM: Now look who is pulling whose leg.
TR: But, you know he smoked cigars.
RM: That’s not what I meant. How can you say you knew Dr. Freud – you don’t look a day over forty…
TR: I just had a birthday – July 7. I am 232 years old.
RM: Hahahahahahaha… Prove it.
TR: I don’t carry my birth certificate with me but I can tell you that I was born in Florence in 1777. My father is Austrian and you know how particular and precise they are with facts.
RM: You said “is.”
TR: Yes, he is still alive.
RM: Where?
TR: He’s in the Himalayas right now, visiting my cousin.
RM: You have been smoking something.
TR: No. I used to smoke back in the 1890s but I gave it up.
RM: Made you sick?
TR: No, it got to be too expensive. If I hadn’t given up the habit, I would have spent $47,244 on cigarettes by now, plus the cost of matches and lighters.
RM: You are frugal, sir, but there must be some luxury which you can’t do without?
TR: I like Corona Light.
RM: Well, well. It just so happens I have in my private cellar, 192 different brands of beer. I’m certain we have this Corona Light you mention.
TR: Can I have one?
RM: That was one question too many, but I’ll let it go on one condition.
TR: Yes.
RM: While we have a drink, I want you to tell me all about your father. Please.
TR: Oh, of course. No problem. RM: Ok, then, we have a deal.

Conservative media

From an article by Ron Kessler, a conservative columnist:
“Six months into his presidency, it’s clear that neither President Obama’s economic plan nor his world peace plan is working. After pushing Congress to pass the $787 billion stimulus, Obama has seen the unemployment rate rise from the 8 percent limit he predicted if the bill passed to 9.5 percent. After apologizing to the world for America’s imagined failings, Obama has seen Iran and North Korea continue their nuclear programs and become even more belligerent than when George Bush was president. Behind Obama’s failure is a blind spot when it comes to understanding that people respond to incentives and disincentives. Looking at Obama’s approach, I am reminded of sitting in the dining room at the National Hotel in Moscow when writing my book “Moscow Station” during the Cold War. Since they were government employees, the waiters milled around and chatted in groups, ignoring my wife Pam and me. Why should they wait on us? They were paid by the Soviet Union regardless and got no tips. Their bosses had the same lack of incentive to do anything. As a result of Obama’s wild spending spree, over the next decade, the public debt will rise from 41 percent of GDP in 2008 to an astounding 82 percent of GDP by 2019, according to the Congressional Budget Office. Hardest hit by tax increases will be the highest-earning Americans, who are often small businesses which file taxes under Schedule C as individuals.”
I suspect that many of these job-creating individuals will soon be moving to Europe. Taxes are high over there too, but their national debt is much lower, so the possibility of a catastrophic economic collapse is far less. Besides, their quality of life is much higher too. What I would like to know is how many Washington politicians already own property over there. That would certainly tell us something, no?