Reality

I don't know if this is Snow White or some other fairy tale character but that does not matter. What does matter is the image of reality - what comes after the wedding. There's nothing wrong with seeing life through a pink lens but then we have to always remember that we are human. After the honeymoon, we cannot spend the rest of our lives on vacation. Even if you're royalty, there are mundane things to attend to. Enjoy them. One thing - don't watch so much TV. It will make you downright stupid. Someone needs to tell the prince to get up and help with the kids or throw the trash out or something - anything more productive than watching the sports channel while drinking beer (or whatever it is he's drinking.)

Tom Anderson Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 2 – May 18, 2009

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Tom Anderson?
TA: Can’t you tell by the white T-shirt?
TR: I’m just making sure – there’s some doubt that you even exist.
TA: Yeah, I heard that rumor, but here I am in the flesh.
TR: I didn’t know you had a tattoo.
TA: Only my mother knows about it.
TR: It’s in the shape of the Milky Way.
TA: Yeah, pretty cool, no?
TR: It’s appropriate I guess.
TA: Yeah, outer space.
TR: Could I have a beer?
TA: A beer?
TR: Yes sir, a beer.
TA: Well if I had some I would gladly give you one but we don’t keep beer in the office.
TR: Why not?
TA: Well, it’s part of the MySpace terms. No beer on the premises.
TR: May I sit down?
TA: Of course – you can use that chair over there.
TR: The shiny one?
TA: Yeah – the paint should be dry by now.
TR: …and if it’s not?
TA: Then you can sit on the other chair – the one with the broken leg.
TR: Why is the furniture so rickety?
TA: We were bought out by Rupert Murdoch not too long ago and the guy is such a cheapskate it’s unbelievable. He got rid of all the stylish new furniture Chris and I had and he insisted on everything second hand. The good things in here I had to bring from my apartment. It’s a good thing it’s only two blocks away.
TR: Can I print that?
TA: About my apartment?
TR: No, about the furniture.
TA: No – he might get mad and fire me.
TR: Ok, I won’t. You don’t have pictures on the walls either?
TA: It’s forbidden by MySpace terms.
TR: Really?
TA: No – I made that up. I just happen to not like pictures on the wall. They are a distraction.
TR: Yes, of course. You are very busy with your 250,000,000 friends.
TA: 287,000,000.
TR: Is that more than Facebook?
TA: We are neck and neck. Have you seen their site lately? Nothing but games and little puzzles….
TR: I don’t have a computer.
TA: I can’t believe that. You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: Me and my father and my two cousins.
TA: That’s unbelievable.
TR: We go way back to the 1700s. We are not technologically caught up.
TA: Let me tell you something – I can set up a profile for you right now. What’s your date of birth?
TR: July 7, 1777.
TA: I don’t know if the computer will accept that but I can try it.
TR: Can you say that I graduated from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea?
TA: Sure, I can say whatever you want.
TR: Are you really 27 years old?
TA: No, I’m 28. What are your interests?
TR: Well, let me see – there are so many.
TA: Give me as many as you want.
TR: Ok, the Magna Carta,….
TA: What’s that?
TR: It’s like your Bill of Rights, only better.
TA: Oh. Go on.
TR: …Catherine the Great, Alexander the Great, Peter the Great, Pope Leo the Tenth, King Richard the Eighth, Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci,…
TA: …from the Da Vinci Code?
TR: No, the real one…
TA: Go ahead….
TR: …Renaissance art, Picasso, Rembrandt, Beethoven, The Spanish Inquisition, science, Chess, Poker, Canasta, Bridge, Archery, precious stones, medicine, swimming, world history, Impressionism, medieval societies, Lorenzo De Medici, chemistry, submarines, Chinese Dynasties, The First World War, atomic energy, natural healing, Paris, Hong Kong, New York, London, Buenos Aires, Phoenix, Madrid, Amsterdam, music,…
TA: Hold it right there….Maybe I can set up a MySpace Music page for you. Do you play or sing?
TR: I used to play the Viola Da Gamba.
TA: A what?
TR: A Viola Da Gamba. It’s like a primitive cello.
TA: But you don’t play it any more?
TR: No. When my father and I had a shipwreck off the coast of France back in 1795, we had nothing else to hold on to and when we finally got to shore, the poor thing was a total loss. I never had the heart to take it up again.
TA: Where should I say you’re from?
TR: I don’t live anywhere. I’m always on assignment.
TA: On assignment?
TR: Yes, to do interviews with famous people.
TA: But, I have to put something in that field – it will not accept a blank.
TR: Well, then put Birmingham.
TA: Good – Birmingham, Alabama.
TR: No, Birmingham, England.
TA: Why can’t we put New York?
TR: Because it’s not in England.
TA: Why does it have to be England?
TR: It does not have to be but I’m on my way to interview Dorothy and she’s from there.
TA: And who is Dorothy?
TR: One of your 287,000,000 friends.
TA: Well, as long as you’re there you might as well interview the Queen too.
TR: I already have.
TA: And, did it go well?
TR: Better than I expected.
TA: I’ll be done with your page by the time you get back. It will have a magnificent layout. Trust me. You’ll be able to see it from any computer. You’ll need a password to get in but I can give it to you right now. How does Retrotim101 sound to you?
TR: I think I can remember it.
TA: Just don’t share it with anyone.
TR: Not even Dorothy?
TA: No, not even Dorothy.
TR: Ok. And where can I find a computer in England?
TA: Try a library. I’m sure they have libraries there.
TR: Oh, I’m sure.
TA: Ok, then, you are all set up. We should be able to place lots of interesting ads on your page.
TR: Thank you Tom.
TA: Thank you sir.

Katie Couric Interview

An interview from long ago conducted by The Timid Reporter, who else?

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 23 - April 10, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Katie Couric?
KC: That’s amusing, but I shouldn’t be surprised you’re asking me that question.
TR: Why not?
KC: I’m not that well-known anymore. Hardly anyone watches my newscast.
TR: Don’t feel bad, I only have eight readers.
KC: Thank God.
TR: What do you mean?
KC: Never mind, just come on in.
TR: This is a nice office.
KC: It’s self-serve, ok? Pour yourself a drink, or have some juice, or coffee, or whatever you want.
TR: Did you make the coffee?
KC: Of course not. Those days are over.
TR: I’ll have a beer.
KC: Corona Light?
TR: Why does everybody like Corona Light?
KC: Peer pressure, I think. Chalk it up to the herd mentality. When the top dogs do it, everybody else follows.
TR: I see you still have your Absolut Vodka.
KC: Yes, I’m just going against the grain. I have a maverick streak in me.
TR: Are the rumors true?
KC: That I’m leaving CBS?
TR: Yes.
KC: No.
TR: Just no?
KC: Well, I suppose I could comment on the rumors and how I think they got started and why, but I don’t see that it would serve any purpose.
TR: How about a self-serving purpose?
KC: Ok, I’ll do it. It might improve your ratings.
TR: Thanks.
KC: I believe the Wall Street Journal wants me out. Murdoch and his associates work in mysterious ways.
TR: Who is that?
KC: Don’t you know anything? He owns the Journal and a host of other media outlets. The man is out of control. He is anti-NOW and a rabid anti-feminist. It’s a gender thing. I bet you anything he watches my show. It’s usually that way, like the Spitzer thing. I’m sure that if people wait long enough, my ratings will go up. My goal is to reach ten million viewers – the top brass is reviewing several of my proposals right now.
TR: Ten million is double what you have now.
KC: Yes, but I can do it.
TR: What ideas do you have in mind?
KC: I really can’t discuss them.
TR: I promise I won’t print anything.
KC: Ok. For one, I plan on doing a special on Elvis sightings.
TR: On a serious newscast?
KC: Yes, it’s never been tried before. It’s not definite that he is really dead. There have been dozens of sightings and they can’t all be fake.... The newscast will be done from the Graceland Mansion in Memphis.
TR: I can’t imagine the newscast from there.
KC: Well, trust me; it will boost the ratings, especially in the South. After that, I will follow up with another mansion newscast.
TR: What mansion newscast?
KC: The Playboy Mansion. That will deal with gender bias issues.
TR: I can hardly wait.
KC: That one will be followed by a show from Gracie Mansion.
TR: Who owns that?
KC: Nobody – the people of New York.
TR: Oh. What will that be about?
KC: That show will deal with why we haven’t had a President from the State of New York in a long time.
TR: Is that really a pressing issue?
KC: It’s just to boost the ratings.
TR: Oh.
KC: That, and all my other proposals, will prove once and for all that I’m not just a pretty face – a lightweight.
TR: But, you are very, very pretty.
KC: Well, I suppose you mean it as a compliment, but in my case, it just might be a hindrance. That’s why the CNN rumor can’t be true either.
TR: CNN?
KC: If you tell me you don’t know who they are I’ll have to ask you to leave.
TR: I do know.
KC: Ok, fine. First of all, CNN asks all of its women to show lots of skin. It’s in their contract. It’s their way to get good ratings but I’m not about to stoop that low. Secondly, Larry King will probably never retire. I could do his show with my eyes closed, but he just refuses to retire. He is such a terrible man – I heard he’s been married ten times. What would he do in retirement, go get married again?
TR: Does he have high ratings?
KC: Not from the ex-spouses. And, I don’t know if they would pay me enough to take over his show.
TR: What about NPR?
KC: I don’t do radio. My good looks would be wasted there.
TR: I understand. Thank you so much.

KC: Thank you.

Fidel Castro interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 4 - February 19, 2008

Good morning Coffee Club members. It is not often that our Timid Reporter© takes the initiative to do a story for us (as a matter of fact, he never has), but, evidently inspired by recent events in Cuba, he did just that this time. The Club could not cover his expenses (except for bus fare to the airport) for the long trip so he extended himself a loan to cover them. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Castro?
FC: Que es esto hombre??? Who in heaven’s name do you think I am??? Of course I’m Fidel Castro.
TR: I’m sorry. I always have to make absolutely sure.
FC: You know, I used to have two doubles – just in case – but they died a long time ago. One of them was poisoned by the CIA.
TR: I understand. I won’t take too much of your time because I know you’re not feeling well.
FC: Who told you that? It’s a big lie. I feel in good spirits and I’m doing well – my doctors tell me I’ll outlive all the leaders of the so-called free world.
TR: That’s a lot of leaders.
FC: No, no, my friend, those are not leaders, they’re puppets of the people. And not only that, they pretend to serve the very people they exploit.
TR: But, you have been in power for fifty years.
FC: I don’t see your point, but I am very, very popular and I don’t have to pretend to like or serve anybody.
TR: Yes, of course. I have seen your picture all over Havana. My background notes tell me you have decided to retire?
FC: Yes, but the pictures, the murals, the banners – all that will stay. They will serve the glorious revolution. Also, my poor brother Raul is not very photogenic.
TR: He might not appreciate your saying that.
FC: So … don’t print it.
TR: Ok, I won’t.
FC: I appreciate your candor and simplicity, sir. You are a decent Americano.
TR: Will you be taking it easy, going out to the countryside to relax?
FC: No, I’m going to write another book. If Clinton can do it, so can I.
TR: Is there anything about the U.S. that you like?
FC: Yes, absolutely my friend. I like Madonna.
TR: The singer?
FC: No, the hamburger.
TR: You mean McDonald’s.
FC: Yes, Madonna. I still eat them. My special courier brings them to me whenever I have a craving. I’m lucky that Miami is so close. I order them and they arrive in thirty minutes, then I stick them in the micro. Delicioso!!!
TR: You are very resourceful.
FC: I have to be. Che and I survived in the jungle for years on our wits alone. Poor Che, I remember him fondly. He will be in my book.
TR: Will you have pictures in the book? I like books with pictures.
FC: There will be plenty of pictures. You should see my photo albums. Mao is there, and Nikita, and Yeltsin, and Ho, and Che, and Josip and so many others from the old days.
TR: You don’t have Stalin? I remember him. I have an autographed picture of Trotsky with Frida Kahlo – dedicated to me, when I lived in Mexico City.
FC: You must be very old – older than I. How is that possible? Give me the picture. I could use it for my book.
TR: Yes, gladly. It’s black and white, is that OK?
FC: My dear friend, we are not particular about color. If the revolution has taught us anything, it’s that technology is a tool of the classes.
TR: Even color photography?
FC: Yes, even color photography. You have to see the big panorama of humanity, of society. Any time that someone comes out with a new gadget, a new device, a new tool, even a new magazine, rest assured that it will be used to lull the masses to sleep, to keep them in their place. That way, the classes can ride around in their fancy cars and live in their fancy houses with their color photography. Simplicity my friend, that’s the nature of Communism. Back to the Earth - back to the soil.
TR: So, will everybody be a farmer?
FC: No, no, no, only those who are good at it. You work at what you are capable of doing. Then everybody shares in the fruits of your labor.
TR: So, if I work hard and make lots of money I have to share my paycheck with a farmer?
FC: Yes, but he shares his corn and wheat and sweet potatoes with you.
TR: But, I get that at the supermarket.
FC: You do not understand.
TR: I guess not. What if someone is kind of lazy and doesn’t work all that hard?
FC: We put him in jail.
TR: I think I have to be leaving now.
FC: Buy my book, it will explain everything.
TR: I will send you some McDonald’s coupons when I get to Miami.
FC: Thank you my friend. You are very kind. The reporter must still be waiting outside. Please tell him to come in on your way out. Adios.

Open letter to Carlos Slim

This letter was published in a Mexican newspaper (probably in Mexico City) on February 15, 2009. Denise Dresser (at left) is a journalist and a political science professor, but that's all I know of her. The Spanish version of this is in my other blog. It was not easy to translate.

Open letter to Carlos Slim: By Denise Dresser

Dear Sir: I write this as a citizen, a consumer, a Mexican worried about the destiny of my country and about the role you play in its present and its future. I have thoroughly read every word you pronounced in the Forum “What To Do To Grow” and I have reflected on their implications. Your position about diverse themes made me remember that famous phrase attributed to the president of General Motors that said: “What’s good for General Motors is good for the United States." And I believe that you think something similar: what is good for Carlos Slim, for Telmex, Telcel and Grupo Carso is good for Mexico. But it is not so. You perceive that you are part of the solution when actually you are part of the problem; you think yourself a statesman with the capacity to diagnose the evils of the country when you have actually contributed to produce them; you see yourself as an indispensable rescuer when you are actually a critical obstacle. There the contradictions lay, the lapses and distortions that plagued your speech. You say that it is necessary to transform an urban and industrial society to one tertiary society, of services, of technology, and of knowledge. That is certain. But in Mexico, that transition becomes difficult in proportion with costs of telecommunications that are so high: where telephone service is so expensive, and penetration of broadband Internet is so low. That is the result of the dominance that you and your companies have in the market. In a few words, in the speech, you propose something that you are actually dedicated to prevent. You emphasize the imperative to foment productivity and competition, but throughout the years you have fought and been protected in courts before regulatory efforts that look for precisely that. You applaud competition, but only as long as it is not promoted in your sector. You say that it is not necessary to worry about the growth of the Gross Domestic Product; that the most important thing is to take care of the jobs that people like you provide. But it is indeed the lack of economic growth that has been behind the low generation of jobs in Mexico for years. And the lack of growth is directly tied with the persistence of anti-competitive practices that people like you justify. You send a message that foreign investment must be viewed with fear and ambivalence. You say that “the modern companies are the old armies; armies that conquered territories and received tribute." You hope that we do not enter a stage of “Sell Mexico” to foreign investors and you lobby so that foreign investment is not allowed in fixed telephone services. But at the same time, you have just invested millions of dollars in the United States: in The New York Times, the Saks stores, and Citigroup. From this incongruous perspective, foreign investment is worthy and must be applauded when you invest in another country, but it must be rejected in Mexico. You reiterate that “we need to be competitive in this society of knowledge and we need competition; I am in agreement with competition." But at the same time, in recent days, you have shown your open opposition to an effort to foment it, disqualifying, for example, the Plan of Interconnection that looks for a level playing field. You say that it is indispensable to help small and medium-sized companies, but simultaneously, your company - Telmex - imposes high costs of telecommunications on those same companies that impedes their growth and expansion. You say that the middle-class has grown smaller, that “people do not have income", that there must be better distribution of income. The diagnosis is correct, but it is surprising to see the lack of understanding on how you contribute to that situation. The president of the Federal Commission on Competition explains it with great clarity: consumers spend 40 percent more than they would through the lack of competition in sectors like telecommunications. And the poor pay an even higher price. You suggest the main reasons for Mexico’s troubles reside in the government: the inefficiency of the governmental bureaucracy, corruption, the inadequate infrastructure, the lack of access to financing, the crime, and the public monopolies. Without a doubt all of this contributes to the lack of competitiveness. But private monopolies like yours also contribute. You speak of the necessity “to review an economic model imposed as if it were ideological dogma" that has produced mediocre growth. But indeed that model - of regulatory insufficiency and governmental collusion - is the very one that has allowed people like you to accumulate the fortune that you have today, estimated at 59 billion dollars. From your point of view, the model is bad, but it is not necessary to change it in whatever particular form it allows you to accumulate wealth. A precise review of your words and of your performance for more than one decade reveal a serious problem: there is a breach between the perception that you have of yourself and the injurious impact of your performance; there is a contradiction between what you propose and how you act; you suffer a myopia that lets you see the straw in other people's eyes and to ignore the beam in your own. You see yourself like a great man with great ideas that deserve to be listened to. But that day before the deputies, before the senators, and before public opinion, you did not speak of the great investments that you were going to make, of the fantastic projects of infrastructure that you were going to promote, of the jobs that you were going to create, of social commitment in the face of the crisis which you would engage, of the characteristics of the new economic model that you would promise to support. In place of it, you threatened us. You spoke – in words more or less to the effect – that the economic situation would get worse and that in the face of that, nobody should touch your business, nobody should regulate it, should question it, should force it to compete. And, since on the following day the government published the Plan for Telephone Interconnection that would seek to force competition; you, in response, announced that Telmex would trim its plans for investment. You, of a whole body, acted like someone ready to do damage to Mexico if he does not obtain what he wants, when he wants it. You had the opportunity to grow and instead you shrank. Without a doubt, you have a right to promote your interests, but the problem is that you do it at the expense of the country. You have a right to express your ideas, but given your behavior, it is difficult to see you as an altruistic and disinterested actor, who only looks for the betterment of Mexico. You, without a doubt have a singular and praiseworthy talent: you know when, how, and where to invest. But another, less attractive characteristic unfolds: You know when, how and where to press and to scam the legislators, the regulators, the media, the judges, the journalists, the leftist intelligentsia, which allow themselves to be guided by a misunderstood nationalism and for that reason, accept the exploitation of a Mexican because – at least he is not foreign. You will probably shrug off this letter in a thousand ways, as you disqualify the criticisms of others. You will say that I am one of those that envy your fortune, or that I have some personal problem, or that I am resentful. But it is not thus. I write with the annoyance shared by millions of Mexicans tired of the exorbitant accounts they pay; tired of the tiresome contracts they sign; tired of the rents they transfer; tired of the rapacious companies they suffer; tired of the government employees who from time to time criticize the monopolies but do little to dismantle them. I write with sadness and frustration, and the disappointment that it produces, to be witness to conduct which could better be - conduct that could be dedicated to innovate instead of blocking - that could compete successfully but prefers to protect itself constantly – a person who could give much to the country but who chooses to keep milking it – one who could become a more influential philanthropist but who instead insists on being an insensible plutocrat. John F. Kennedy said that great crises produce great men. It is a pity that at this critical moment for Mexico, you insist on showing us that you do not aspire to that. Denise Dresser

Danica Patrick interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 26 - April 20, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Danica Patrick?
DP: Yes, I am. Do I look like Madonna? I’ll show you my I.D.
TR: No, no, it’s just a formality. I know who you are.
DP: I’m the best female driver of all time, right?
TR: That’s saying a lot.
DP: Do you know a few female drivers?
TR: I’ve seen thousands on the freeway.
DP: I meant professional racing drivers like me.
TR: You’re the only one I ever heard of. I also saw your picture in Sports Illustrated.
DP: I thought that was nice.
TR: You are so pretty. I forgot what I did with my questions.
DP: Don’t worry about your questions. Let’s just talk about whatever.
TR: I read that you make more money advertising yourself than from winning races.
DP: Well, it all ties in. Even if I haven’t won the big one yet, there’s no reason not to get some endorsement money, don’t you think?
TR: I don’t know.
DP: Well, I do. People think I’m better at promoting myself than I am at my sport. Let them think that. I just won my first Indy Series race in Japan. That should say something about me. Even Tiger Woods doesn’t win all the time. I’m only 25. I have another 45 good years ahead of me still. I can’t just use part of who I am to earn a living. My talent rep wants to market all of me - nothing wrong with that.
TR: Do you think people will be jealous of your success?
DP: I try not to think about it. For me, it’s just competition – the whole competitive spirit in people. People will criticize me regardless. I will continue to have fun and enjoy what I do.
TR: Does your husband like it?
DP: Yes, absolutely. He’s at every race. He loves it almost as much as I do. He gets a thrill from every single one of my accomplishments.
TR: Is it boring going around the track over and over and over?
DP: Actually, if you stop to think about it, every job is like that.
TR: Yes, but most jobs aren’t as high risk as yours.
DP: What can I say? I get a charge from it. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
TR: Maybe 55.
DP: How would you like doing 355?
TR: I wouldn’t be able to eat for a week.
DP: No. I would start you at 60 and gradually move you up. By the end, you would be addicted. You wouldn’t be able to live without the rush. Of course, you would need to think very, very, very fast.
TR: That disqualifies me right there.
DP: Well, not everyone is made for racing. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl.
TR: You have already set some records.
DP: Yes, but only because I am one of the few female drivers. I would most like to break the men’s records.
TR: How is it you’re not afraid of the danger?
DP: I have a passion when it comes to fighting fear. I am a warrior when I get behind the wheel.
TR: Yet, you would not pose for Playboy.
DP: That’s not the same kind of fear.
TR: What fear is that?
DP: My husband would leave me.
TR: That’s not easy to understand – how you can be so brave on the one hand and so afraid on the other.
DP: No, but just to give you an example of how dicey this fear thing is, I read that Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Lots of famous actors are actually very shy and insecure people, too, except when they’re in front of the camera.
TR: What if a racing accident ended up hurting you?
DP: I don’t think about it – just like you. Haven’t you ever photographed a war zone?
TR: No.
DP: Oh, man. How can you say you’re a photographer if you always play it safe? What do you take pictures of, birthday parties?
TR: Fights sometimes break out at parties. I’ve lost three cameras that way.
DP: Ok, I’ll give you credit for that, but in my next race, I want you next to me photographing every moment of the race.
TR: It’s a very tempting offer. I will have to think about it for a month. I’m sure I’ll need medication.
DP: No, no, no – no medication.
TR: Well, at the very least, let me increase the amount of life insurance I have.
DP: No problem.
TR: You’re not planning to retire any time soon.
DP: Are you kidding? I said I have at least another 45 years left in me. I want to race until the very end. The races may be different, but I’ll be racing.
TR: For instance?
DP: Well, this is still secret, but we are planning long distance races in lower outer space – like NASCAR in the sky sort of thing. Our biggest backer is Richard Branson.
TR: What will you be racing?
DP: Planes, of course - 747s or SSTs or modified F16s, but please don’t print any of this yet.
TR: I won’t. May I take your picture now?
DP: With or without my top?
TR: Without.
DP: Ok, but don’t print it.
TR: Don’t worry, Ms Patrick, I won’t. Thank you.
DP: Thank you, sir.

Hugo Chavez interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 9 - March 19, 2008

The following is the only-slightly-edited interview done almost a year ago with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. For security reasons, we cannot disclose precisely when the interview took place. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you President Chavez?
HC: Of course. I’m Hugo Chavez!! Para que pregunta hombre? You may call me Hugo. Consider me your friend.
TR: I don’t know how to be informal with famous or powerful people. I would be more comfortable with President Chavez.
HC: I am President Chavez.
TR: That’s not what I meant.
HC: Explain yourself hombre. Don’t be afraid.
TR: I have trouble with that.
HC: Let me tell you a story. I used to stutter. Would you believe that?
TR: No.
HC: Well, just believe it. Kids used to make fun of me until the day I met this very nice girl who told me she would cure me of the problem. I was only fourteen and I knew nothing about girls so I just laughed at her. Do you hear me stuttering any more?
TR: No sir.
HC: Well, she cured me.
TR: How?
HC: Use your imagination hombre. By seven o’clock that afternoon I was free of my little problem. Needless to say, I have been grateful to her ever since. She is now my Assistant Secretary of Labor.
TR: You’re a very nice man.
HC: That’s what I keep trying to tell the world. Let me ask you a favor, I would prefer this interview be done in Spanish.
TR: I am not fluent…. My eight readers won’t understand a word.
HC: Don’t use excuses, just make the effort.
TR: Ok. Esta bien, Mr. Presidente.
HC: You see. You have lost your fear. I was just testing you.
TR: You made me believe.
HC: I’m a good poker player – the best in all of Venezuela.
TR: I can see why.
HC: I read your interview of Fidel.
TR: How did that happen? You’re not a member of the Coffee Club.
HC: I have sources all over my friend. Even Putin calls me for information. I’m like your IRS, FBI, CIA, ICE, NSC, NSA, DIA, and Army Corp. of Engineers combined.
TR: I have never interviewed them.
HC: You never will. They are too embarrassed by what happened to your beautiful New Orleans.
TR: You keep yourself informed of everything?
HC: Not only that, I am presently studying four languages. I have a special tutor – a beautiful Swedish woman who is fluent in fourteen languages.
TR: Which languages are you studying?
HC: German, Russian, French, and Chinese.
TR: No Swedish?
HC: I’m learning that informally, as we go along.
TR: I think I know what you mean.
HC: It doesn’t matter. It’s confidential and you can’t publish that.
TR: I won’t.
HC: The important thing is that I have come to realize that it’s very hard to understand a culture completely unless you speak the language. That’s the secret code, if you will.
TR: Is that why President Bush doesn’t understand you?
HC: No. He just has a problem understanding anything.
TR: He won’t like what you just said.
HC: Does he read your newsletter?
TR: I don’t think so.
HC: Well then, don’t worry. If he makes trouble for you, you can come live in Venezuela.
TR: Can I write for the newspapers here, Mr. President?
HC: You can do whatever you like. This is a free country.
TR: I would like to work for El Sistema.
HC: You have heard of it. Good. That’s one of our many success stories. We have placed thousands of children in these huge orchestras to learn music and art instead of violence. You don’t see them out in the streets demonstrating, do you? We are now studying the possibility of starting a Sistema for adults. The only trouble is they’re too lazy to practice.
TR: How do you know?
HC: Maestro Dudamel told me so.
TR: Where would you get so many instruments?
HC: That’s not a problem - mostly out of Germany, Russia, and Cuba. One of my cousins takes care of all the imports into Venezuela and the government pays for everything.
TR: Do you have a favorite in the upcoming elections in the U.S.?
HC: Right now, that’s too touchy a subject so I won’t answer that. Besides, I am not one to interfere in the internal affairs of other countries.
TR: Thank you, sir. You have been most gracious.
HC: Come back soon my friend. Vaya con Dios.