Baburova

On January 19, 2009, Anastasia Baburova and Stanislav Markelov were shot to death while walking near the Kremlin (Moscow, Russia.) She was a reporter with the Novaya Gazeta (New Gazette) and he was a human rights attorney. People suspect that the murders were encouraged by political fringe groups with government ties. I would not know. Anastasia was only 25 and she used to report on government corruption and that sort of thing. I have a photo of the attorney's dead body lying on the sidewalk. It was on the front page of the Gazeta. I do not dare post it - even here. What purpose would it serve?

Jimmy Cayne interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 8 - March 14, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. We have no comment on what follows. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Jimmy Cayne?
JC: Who are you?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter. I have an appointment.
JC: Since when? Nobody told me anything about it. Are you with the media?
TR: Yes, sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter.
JC: What is that, a financial paper of some sort?
TR: No sir, it’s the company in-house newsletter for coffee drinkers and subscribers.
JC: That doesn’t tell me a thing. How many readers do you have?
TR: Eight.
JC: This must be some sort of joke. Get out - I have a very important bridge game to play in an hour.
TR: But, don’t you care what happens to your company?
JC: What company? I have all my money in European stocks.
TR: Bear Stearns.
JC: Oh, that company. I’m no longer in charge. Go talk to Alan.
TR: Alan who?
JC: Alan Schwartz. Don’t you know anything?
TR: Yes, of course. Mr. Schwartz. I tried talking to him yesterday but he sent me to you.
JC: I don’t have any time for this. I have nothing more to do with Stearns. Leave now or I’ll have to call security.
TR: I’m not leaving – the butler told me how you win at bridge...
JC: …Ok, ok, sit over there. I’ll give you ten minutes.
TR: I just need five. I don’t have enough questions for ten. I do want a couple of beers please.
JC: Sure, I’ll have James bring them. Push that red button on your chair to summon him.
TR: Sure.
JC: Now, back to your questions.
TR: My readers would like to know how it is that while the company is losing so much money, there’s always enough to pay all the directors huge salaries.
JC: That’s not hard to answer. Do you know anything about hedge funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. How about short-term un-liquid periodic indexed debenture funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. We call those STUPID funds for short, by the way.
TR: I’m with you.
JC: Well, in the banking business, we’re constantly playing one set of funds against another. It’s sort of like betting the red and the black at the same time.
TR: I don’t understand.
JC: Don’t you ever gamble?
TR: No.
JC: No wonder. Let me try to explain. The reason we get paid so much money is that we are the only ones in the world who can handle the ultra complex processes of money management. I have barely scratched the surface and you are already at a loss.
TR: In more ways than one.
JC: Well, on top of that, there’s thousands of funds and hundreds of types of funds. On top of that, the game is on a global scale.
TR: So, it’s a lot of work?
JC: You have no idea, my friend. Do you ever invest?
TR: I have a savings account.
JC: You need more than that. If I had time, I would share a good tip with you.
TR: I’ll talk to the butler again if you don’t tell me. I want to make some money.
JC: Ok, ok, but you can’t print any of it.
TR: I won’t.
JC: Look up Mr. Octavian Shin in the Paris phone book. He is listed.
TR: Then what?
JC: Tell him client number 13 sent you. He will then give you the code for a Russian energy stock that pays 790%, guaranteed. You’ll be a millionaire in no time, especially the way oil has been going up lately.
TR: How much should I put in?
JC: Twenty thousand to start.
TR: I only have two hundred.
JC: Well, I can’t help you there.
TR: You can lend me the difference.
JC: I don’t make personal loans. Talk to Alan - he’s the risk taker.
TR: You’re the one who cheats at bridge.
JC: Ok, ok. I’ll write you a check.
TR: The check won’t bounce?
JC: It’s not a Bear Stearns check.
TR: I am grateful to you, Mr. Cayne.
JC: Remember, you just have to know where to park your money.
TR: I think I learned a lot today.
JC: Please give my kind regards to your eight readers. Have a nice day, sir. James will show you out.
TR: Thank you.

Newspapers

Thomas Jefferson said: "The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers." That’s an obvious exaggeration, of course – no?

Surveys

A quote from David Letterman: "USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." This reminds me of so many scientific studies that are done to determine the obvious.

Napoleon

Napoleon Bonaparte once said that four hostile newspapers were more to be feared than a thousand bayonets. How did he know? AND, how about four friendly newspapers - what about them?

Hank Paulson interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 48 - December 7, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Hank Paulson?
HP: Yes sir, and you must be Mr. Quan?
TR: No, I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
HP: Where’s Mr. Quan?
TR: I don’t know.
HP: So, why are you here in his place?
TR: I’m not taking his place – I’m here to do an interview with you.
HP: Oh, you’re that other guy. Do you care at all about global warming?
TR: May I come in?
HP: Only if you promise we’ll discuss climate change and the environment.
TR: We can discuss whatever you want to discuss.
HP: Step right this way.
TR: Wow, this looks like a greenhouse.
HP: It is.
TR: I’ve never seen so many indoor plants before.
HP: Wait ‘til you see the snakes.
TR: Snakes? How many snakes?
HP: Twenty six, but they are not all here – some we keep in the bedrooms.
TR: Oh.
HP: I know them all by name.
TR: One for each letter of the alphabet.
HP: How did you guess?
TR: I’m just good at guessing. How do you tell them apart?
HP: They’ve been in the family a number of years – after a while you just recognize them. It’s like telling your dollar bills apart. They’re all the same but they’re all different. There comes Chrimata now from under that fern.
TR: Chrimata?
HP: It’s the Greek word for “money.”
TR: I should have guessed.
HP: And Fiduciary is right behind her. Isn’t he cute?
TR: To me, they’re just snakes.
HP: You have a lot to learn. Let’s sit down in my study.
TR: Can I have a Corona Light?
HP: Sure. That’s my favorite beer - another lucky guess?
TR: No. I just like the way it tastes. I’m glad you have it in the house – even Buckingham Palace doesn’t stock it.
HP: You’ve been there?
TR: I interviewed the Queen.
HP: Sure you did.
TR: I don’t tell lies.
HP: You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: No, my father too.
HP: Really? And where might he be from?
TR: Austria, but he’s in the Himalayas right now.
HP: …doing?
TR: Collecting bark from an old tree.
HP: Is he a researcher, an environmental scientist?
TR: No, he needs it to stay alive.
HP: Is he ill?
TR: Not at all. He’s just really old. He will soon be 2000.
HP: 2000 years old?
TR: Yes.
HP: You know, I’ve been around a lot of bankers and finance people and business people almost all my life…
TR: Yes, I know.
HP: …I have learned to read them pretty well – perfectly, in fact. Even by the slightest inflection in their speech – I can tell when they’re trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Your story sounds very convincing – you’re either the world’s best liar or you’re telling me the absolute truth.
TR: Well, to me, it doesn’t matter at all what you think about me.
HP: You must not need any tips on the stock market.
TR: I just do interviews and take pictures whenever my camera is working.
HP: I can see you’re a simple man. You’re good for the environment.
TR: May I ask you about the financial collapse?
HP: Being that you’re a true environmentalist, you may ask me whatever you like.
TR: Thank you. My readers would like to know if the bailout money will really work to turn the economy around.
HP: No, of course it won’t. I had to find a way to protect my Asian friends from any defaults. That’s what that was about, not anything else. I know I’ve been criticized for being close to Wall Street, but everyone is close to something, no?
TR: Weren’t you partly responsible for the elimination of the net capital rule in 2004 - the thing that led to the credit crisis?
HP: Sure, sure, but let me tell you what that was about. When I was in the private sector, I lobbied hard against being overly regulated by the government. That’s all true. My mistake was in thinking that everybody in the investment business, when granted more freedom by the Feds, would act responsibly. Instead, they acted like thugs. They really let me down. I was in charge at Goldman Sachs and we stayed clear of the greediness and all those sham securities. That’s why it’s the only firm that survived. All those people who are now criticizing me don’t have a clue.
TR: May I print that?
HP: No, not all of it.
TR: Ok. What about John Ehrlichman?
HP: Who is he?
TR: He used to be your boss under Nixon?
HP: Oh, yes, I forgot. Some things just never go away, do they?
TR: You were almost caught up in Watergate.
HP: That was in 1972 – almost four decades ago. I was just a kid. John Dean cautioned me to keep away from the whole mess and I resented him for it because I wanted to get in on the action. He was a real snake.
TR: But, he saved your reputation.
HP: Without meaning to.
TR: Didn’t you later give him a job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs?
HP: No. I simply suggested to him that he go into banking – it was a perfect fit. The industry is full of weasels and snitches, you know.
TR: Maybe you’ve had too much beer?
HP: Don’t you want another Corona?
TR: I’m beginning to hear noises in my ears.
HP: Oh, don’t worry. They’re coming from my playroom next door. I have a collection of over a hundred ticker tape machines in there – the kind that every stock broker used to have. At precisely the same time every day, they start whirring away. I love those old machines. They were the internet of the old, old days.
TR: I remember them, of course. You know them all by name?
HP: No.
TR: When did you become concerned about the environment?
HP: When I learned that we were about to run out of oil. The next big money makers will be wind power generation and solar energy.
TR: What do you think is the ultimate power source?
HP: Washington politics.
TR: What about the people?
HP: If I’ve learned anything in the last fifty years, it’s that if you give people something to eat and something to talk about, they’re happy. 98 percent of them don’t even know who I am.
TR: But what about unemployment?
HP: Well, that won’t really become a problem unless it hits 50 percent. We may see a couple of riots here and there but I have set aside 997 billion for that worst-case scenario. Be that as it may, my private jet is on standby to take me and my family to Brazil on a moment’s notice.
TR: Do you have another residence there?
HP: Well, I really doubt that the Coffee Club would be interested in that but, for the record; we’ll just be doing a little environmental research near Rio. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a new species. I’m going to grab another beer and lie down, if you don’t mind.
TR: Thank you Mr. Paulson.
HP: Thank you, Mr. Quan.

Bernie Madoff interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 49 - December 17, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bernard L. Madoff?
BM: Yes, but you don’t have to be so formal – call me Bernie, please.
TR: Yes sir. May I come in?
BM: Sure. Make yourself comfortable. I’ve been expecting you.
TR: It smells like apple cider in here.
BM: I hope you find it pleasant my friend.
TR: Yes, very pleasant.
BM: I would offer you some but I’m afraid we’ve run out of Styrofoam cups.
TR: Why not use a real cup?
BM: My wife won’t let me.
TR: Well, I drink beer anyway.
BM: Beer is bad for you.
TR: Not so far.
BM: Why do you say that?
TR: I’ve been drinking beer since 1798 and have not been badly affected.
BM: Is that so?
TR: Yes sir. I only stay away from dark ale.
BM: That’s very amusing although a little perplexing too because I know you can’t be conning me – I would be able to tell, you know. You don’t look more than forty years old.
TR: I suspect that’s probably true. You are a very shrewd and wise man.
BM: I know how men think and what they crave the most.
TR: You would have made a good psychologist.
BM: On the contrary – I think I would have made a good politician. A psychologist is easily fooled. A politician only pretends to be fooled – a politician is the greatest deceiver of all. He is the master of the ancient art of manipulation.
TR: Mr. Bloomberg might not appreciate your saying that about him.
BM: I can always say I was misquoted.
TR: But my readers know I’m very careful.
BM: Sure, but he’s not one of your readers. What are people saying about me anyway?
TR: That you’re a schemer, a deceiver, a thief, a fool, a fixer, a flake, and a fraud.
BM: Well, that’s not too bad though I don’t really care what people think. I only care about what my own family thinks.
TR: They are the ones who said it. It’s in The New York Times.
BM: How can they be so ungrateful?
TR: The New York Times?
BM: No, my sons.
TR: …Ruth and your sister and your niece, too.
BM: Well, shame on them for kicking a man when he’s down - a poor elderly man.
TR: Do you think you’ll end up in prison?
BM: You mean, die in prison? Of course not. What do you think lawyers are for? By the time we get done with all the appeals, I’ll be ninety five. I just hope they can save my licenses. I might go work at Merrill Lynch or Bear Stearns or Lehman - as a partner, of course.
TR: They no longer exist.
BM: What are you saying - since when?
TR: About four months ago.
BM: Are you serious? What is this world coming to?
TR: I think they went bankrupt.
BM: I remember hearing something about it. You know, I haven’t read much in the last three years – not even the financial papers. I simply haven’t had the time.
TR: What have you been doing?
BM: Doing? Doing a lot of bookkeeping, that’s what I’ve been doing.
TR: Didn’t you have people doing that for you?
BM: They couldn’t be trusted with the Ascot accounts.
TR: A lot of your friends are angry with you.
BM: How come they weren’t mad at me when I was making them a ton of money? Do they expect me to apologize?
TR: They want their money back.
BM: Sure, sure, everybody does. Don’t they realize that asking for their money back is what caused this whole enterprise to collapse in the first place? It was like a run on the bank. I warned them. Don’t cash out, don’t cash out – wait for a scheduled distribution. Be patient. Instead, it was like a stampede of wildebeest.
TR: Didn’t you at least have a few billion left?
BM: Sure I did, but I had to pay as many people as I could before word got out that I was insolvent.
TR: Who?
BM: My closest friends.
TR: Like who?
BM: Let’s just say Bloomberg, Trump, Schumer, and Kennedy got taken care of.
TR: …Because you didn’t want to cross them or what?
BM: No, I didn’t. They’re a mean bunch – more cold-blooded and ruthless than I am, especially that Caroline girl.
TR: What about Clinton?
BM: The Clintons took their money out two months ago - even Chelsea.
TR: Maybe they knew something….
BM: Of course they knew – everybody knew. Nobody’s that dumb.
TR: And the SEC auditors?
BM: They were somewhat incompetent, but I also think they had their doubts - you know how the government is – if you have enough clout, you have nothing to fear from them. I just told them that if they wrote me up I would go above their heads. They wrote their reports full of imprecise and equivocating double talk – you know, maybe this and perhaps that; it appears that and it seems like – really vague stuff, nothing you could sink your teeth into. Naturally, the upper guys let me off the hook every time. There was a lot of gray in those reports. I also let some of the SEC higher ups invest with me.
TR: Really?
BM: Sure. Would I lie about something like that?
TR: How did you fool the sophisticated investors and hedge fund managers?
BM: Easy.
TR: How?
BM: Look, let me give you an example. I’ve been around financial jargon all my life. I know how people react to it. When they don’t understand it, they get frustrated and would rather be gored by a bull than be made to feel dumb. I will give you an introduction to my investment strategy and you tell me when to stop.
TR: Ok.
BM: Typically, a position in an Ascot Partners account will consist of the ownership of 30 to 35 S&P 100 stocks, most of them correlated to that index, the sale of out-of-the-money calls on the index, and the purchase of out-of-the-money puts on the index. The sale of the calls is designed to increase the rate of return, while allowing upward movement of the stock portfolio to the strike price of the calls. The puts, funded in large part by the sale of the calls, limit the portfolio's downside or risk ratio. A simple split-strike trade involves buying a stock at price X, selling a call option with a price Y which is above X, and purchasing a put option with a strike price Z which is below X. If the price of the stock is above Y at expiration, the stock will be called away and the investor receives Y for the stock. If the price is below Z at expiration, the put can be exercised and Z received in cash. This effectively caps the maximum gain….
TR: Stop. Please.
BM: I could go on like that for hours.
TR: I believe you.
BM: So the idiots would just say to me: “Bernie, don’t bother to explain all this to us, we trust you, you’re a genius, just send us any gains.”
TR: Do you have any words of advice for my eight readers?
BM: Tell them they’re lucky to be poor.
TR: Thank you Bernie.
BM: Thank you my friend and sorry about the cider.

Nancy Pelosi Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 12 - March 21, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Nancy Pelosi?
NP: Yes, I’m Speaker Pelosi.
TR: May I come in?
NP: What do you want here?
TR: I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter. I have an appointment.
NP: Would you mind waiting in the foyer? I have to check with someone about this.
TR: Ok. I’ll finish my beer out here.
NP: You shouldn’t be drinking this time of day, especially not that yucky beer.
TR: That’s all I can afford.
NP: Well, it doesn’t look good.
TR: I’m almost done.
NP: Fine. Why did you want to talk to me?
TR: I had an appointment to do a short interview.
NP: You don’t look like a reporter.
TR: I have a diploma from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea.
NP: Are you a spy?
TR: No. I don’t even carry a magnifying lens. I just have a camera and my recorder.
NP: That doesn’t make you a journalist.
TR: I don’t know anything else.
NP: Try running for office.
TR: Are you serious?
NP: No, of course not.
TR: How long will I have to stand here?
NP: Hillary hasn’t picked up yet. Let me try again.
TR: Hillary who?
NP: Clinton.
TR: Oh. Why do you have to ask her?
NP: You don’t need to know that.
TR: Sorry.
NP: She’s not answering. She must be very busy. Maybe I’ll just have to trust you. Leave all your equipment outside. No cameras, no cell phones, no tape recorders…. Everything will be off the record, understand?
TR: Yes. May I come in now?
NP: Go ahead; just don’t sit on any of the sofas.
TR: Ok.
NP: How long will this take?
TR: Two minutes.
NP: Go.
TR: Where?
NP: Oh my. Ask me your questions.
TR: I understand that you have been talking to the Dalai Lama.
NP: Yes, he is such a lovely man.
TR: Did you discuss the situation in Tibet?
NP: We touched on the subject of course, but we also spoke about other things.
TR: Can you elaborate?
NP: Yes, but I won’t. You don’t really need to know.
TR: Is he as charming as they say?
NP: Much more than they say. He understands everything with what I would call super clarity. We meditated together.
TR: But you also talked?
NP: I did most of the talking.
TR: I understand.
NP: What do you mean by that?
TR: Nothing. I just said I understood.
NP: Well, don’t print it. It sounds sinister.
TR: I won’t print it. I just figured that since you are the speaker….
NP: Fine.
TR: Did he complain about the Chinese?
NP: No, I wouldn’t say that. He is very patient and serene. You should buy his books.
TR: I can’t afford them.
NP: I would lend you some but I don’t trust you. You would never return them.
TR: You are assuming I’m forgetful.
NP: That and much more.
TR: I don’t understand.
NP: Good. It’s better for you.
TR: So you were impressed with the Dalai Lama?
NP: I already knew him from a previous incarnation. I think the Chinese have orchestrated some very horrible things in Tibet and they had better get out soon before President Bush hears of it.
TR: What would be wrong with that?
NP: He might decide to send troops. It would be a nightmare.
TR: So, what is your suggestion?
NP: I won’t know until Hillary calls me back.
TR: I hear your phone ringing. Good bye and thank you so much.
NP: Hello? Hillary?

The Timid Reporter

The Timid Reporter was born in Florence, Italy, on July 7, 1777. His father is Austrian and his mother was Gypsy. He is therefore half Gypsy and half Austrian, or the other way around. In the early Twentieth Century or thereabouts, he took a comprehensive correspondence course from the Eve Ning Sun School of Advanced Photography in North Korea, a school which is now defunct. As far as he knows, he is actually an accredited Journalist. He attributes his longevity to a family secret known only to himself, his father, his late mother, and two cousins. He has a steady gig with something called the Coffee Club Newsletter. The Timid Reporter never speaks for himself except in his interviews - such as they are. If you have any questions for him, ask them of me and I will see how I can get him to respond.

Off Street Journal

The Off Street Journal likes to make fun of serious absurdities. Somebody once said that there were only two things everyone needed to be serious about - as soon as they could remember what those two things were they would let us know. You get the point. Let the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and the Christian Science Monitor and The Economist and TIME and Newsweek and Portfolio and the Chicago Tribune do all the serious stuff. We'll take care of the fluff. They might soon be extinct anyway.

Journalism

So - what is journalism? Nobody knows. You think, you research, you write, and you get paid. You write hoping not to offend too many people because you could end up getting fired and not get paid. It is kind of self serving, no? Let us not pretend we do it for the love of writing. We do it to get paid - like everything else.

Test 2

Do not read this - I'm still playing with it. Let's see what it will do if I post a picture. I think I still have to bold the text itself. It won't do it automatically. No problem. I have to adjust the margins manually, too. No problem. I have to do my own writing. No problem. I have to do my own research. No problem. I have already modified the template twice. It looks kind of nice. Here we go!!!

Testing the waters

Do not read this - it is just a test - testing - TESTING - 123 - do not read this - I will attempt to set fonts and colors and that sort of thing. 123 - 123