Putin Interview

I have been thinking of sending our Timid Reporter out to see if he can find Vladimir Putin and pin him down for a short interview. (Perhaps I shouldn't say "short interview" because they are ALL short interviews.) If not Putin, then maybe the new pope - Felipe. Bill Gates might also be interesting. I have a feeling that Gates has a sly sense of humor so he might be a good choice. Anyway, it's all moot if I can't locate our guy. For all I know, he might be out in Tibet taking it easy - pretty much out of reach. I really shouldn't say "taking it easy" because he ALWAYS takes it easy. 

Audrina Patridge Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 11 - March 20, 2008

Warning: any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Audrina Patridge?
AP: Who are you? Do you have a camera?
TR: Yes. I always carry one when I’m on assignment.
AP: You didn’t answer my first question. I’m not letting you in until you do.
TR: I’m a reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
AP: I’m not talking to anyone until my press agent tells me to.
TR: You don’t trust me? It will be very brief. I promise you. I can never think of enough questions for a long interview.
AP: I’ll give you three minutes. Don’t let anybody see you coming in here.
TR: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful.
AP: You haven’t seen my pictures?
TR: No. They said they were X-rated.
AP: They are not. I’ll show them to you. Here, sit down please.
TR: Oh, my God. You are even more beautiful than I thought.
AP: Thank you.
TR: You must have at least a hundred of them in that box.
AP: One hundred fourteen – no duplicates.
TR: Can I have some?
AP: Never. You are so naïve. They would absolutely kill me if they saw all these.
TR: Why?
AP: I don’t really know. I’m so upset over the reaction of some people.
TR: Who?
AP: I guess people who don’t like me and don’t want my career to blossom.
TR: You don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
AP: I’m really not, but I have to do what’s best for my future.
TR: You are just absolutely beautiful. Is that really you in those pictures?
AP: Of course.
TR: How would I be able to tell?
AP: I’m not about to show you.
TR: Are you busy later tonight?
AP: I’m not an escort. I’m an actress – that’s better than just being a model.
TR: Yes. I’m sorry. I got carried away.
AP: I know the feeling. I’ve learned a lot these last two days. Put your camera away, please.
TR: I was just going to clean the lens.
AP: Why? I won’t let you take pictures of anything here, not even my cat.
TR: Sorry.
AP: How did you find out where I lived anyway?
TR: I subscribe to a service that snoops on celebrities and politicians.
AP: You’re not a stalker?
TR: No, no…I’m just a reporter – a journalist actually.
AP: Is there a difference?
TR: A difference in what?
AP: Never mind. Maybe you can help me get over this scandal.
TR: I don’t see how – I only have eight readers.
AP: That’s really pitiful. You should do something scandalous to get exposure.
TR: I’m not attractive like you.
AP: No, you’re not. Maybe you should do a big story on someone really distasteful like Britney.
TR: Britney Spears? I think that woman is totally boring. She has nothing to say.
AP: You couldn’t get past the bodyguards either?
TR: No.
AP: I thought so.
TR: I’ve tried everything. I even got a fake letter of recommendation from Walt Disney but she wouldn’t buy it.
AP: I have some interesting pictures of her that nobody has ever seen.
TR: That’s impossible.
AP: Nope. I will share two of them with you if you do something for me.
TR: Anything. I’ll do anything to talk to Britney.
AP: Ok, ok. Don’t get so out-of-control.
TR: Sorry. What do you want me to do?
AP: Talk to the Playboy people for me.
TR: I can do that. I have Hefner’s addresses and cell phone numbers.
AP: Great. Tell them I’m still interested in doing the spread. I want something in the high six-figure range for the shoot. If you can get that gig for me, I’ll share Britney’s photos with you.
TR: Cool. No problem.
AP: I bet you they now feel like the guy that turned down the Beatles.
TR: For sure.
AP: Maybe both of us can get something out of this. Just don’t tell anybody.
TR: I won’t.
AP: Thanks. You’re sweet.
TR: Thank you Ms Patridge. Bye.

Robert Mugabe Interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 19 No. 3 – July 20, 2009

Another interview from the Timid Reporter… Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon sir. Are you President Mugabe?
RM: What would you do if I told you I wasn’t?
TR: I would say you’re pulling my leg.
RM: You’re a born diplomat my good sir.
TR: Thank you. Can we sit down?
RM: Yes, of course, but first come in please. I hope my security staff doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
TR: Not at all. I know there are forty four of them – I’m not going to try anything.
RM: You actually counted them!! I didn’t even notice. That’s very good.
TR: Well, I’m half Gypsy.
RM: Roma!!! Well, I’m all African. You’re welcome in my country.
TR: I know you only allowed either four questions or six minutes so may I get started?
RM: Which do you choose?
TR: The six minutes.
RM: I’ll warn you my answers can be lengthy.
TR: Ok, then, I’ll take the four questions.
RM: That’s the smart thing. Go ahead.
TR: Why can’t Zimbabwe feed itself?
RM: Its farmers can’t grow enough food.
TR: Yes, but why is that?
RM: They don’t know how.
TR: Why do I feel like you’ve tricked me?
RM: Because I have. You have one more question left.
TR: The world says you’re a scoundrel and a thief.
RM: I am an educated man and a good politician. If the world says this or that, what’s that to me? I’m still the boss here.
TR: You are very rich and your people are very poor.
RM: Nobody gave me anything. I worked for what I have.
TR: You have everything and your people have nothing.
RM: Look, someone has to be in charge. There’s nobody else to take my place.
TR: You are indispensable.
RM: Precisely. I was elected by the people. If they were unhappy with the way I run things, they would have voted me out, don’t you think?
TR: But you have all the guns.
RM: Democracy isn’t about guns. It’s about ballot boxes.
TR: People say you cheated in the last election.
RM: Well, if you know of any particular person or any box in any district which was somehow cheated, let me know.
TR: I don’t know.
RM: Well, you see?
TR: You don’t even provide basic services.
RM: Define basic services.
TR: Health care, schools, infrastructure, business controls, police protection….
RM: Ok, ok. The problem there is that there is not enough money to run everything. After I take my cut, what’s left is a fraction of what the country needs just to get by. We have to import all our food, too. On top of that, I have been cursed with people who don’t like to work.
TR: How do you expect them to work if your economy has not created any jobs since 1984?
RM: My political enemies have instigated all kinds of dirty tricks by outsiders to make things impossible for me. They are a bunch of idiots. I am aware of everything that goes on in my country. I am an educated man. As for police protection, I get plenty of it. That was your last question, by the way.
TR: You have a lot of honorary degrees from prestigious universities.
RM: You have done your homework.
TR: Some of those degrees have been revoked.
RM: They are a bunch of idiots.
TR: Your inflation is at 8000%
RM: That’s meaningless. There are precious few products that are affected by inflation.
TR: Precisely. Independence was a godsend for you.
RM: Precisely.
TR: You changed the names of a lot of places in the country.
RM: Not a lot but maybe a few. Salisbury became Harare but we didn’t change the name of the steak.
TR: Only your friends enjoy the good things here.
RM: Loyalty doesn’t come cheap.
TR: Things won’t change soon.
RM: We need nuclear power plants - that’s what we need.
TR: You need Uranium or Plutonium first.
RM: We have both already, just don’t tell anyone.
TR: I won’t.
RM: For whatever reason, I can sense you are an honest man. Just beware – even the most honest and just and kind can be corrupted. Since I like you, I will allow one more question.
TR: What keeps a man in power from ruling justly and benignly – for the good of the people?
RM: It all has to do with your relationship with your mother.
TR: Sigmund Freud.
RM: Yes. I told you I was an educated man.
TR: I knew Sigmund Freud – he was an idiot. He smoked smelly cigars, too.
RM: Now look who is pulling whose leg.
TR: But, you know he smoked cigars.
RM: That’s not what I meant. How can you say you knew Dr. Freud – you don’t look a day over forty…
TR: I just had a birthday – July 7. I am 232 years old.
RM: Hahahahahahaha… Prove it.
TR: I don’t carry my birth certificate with me but I can tell you that I was born in Florence in 1777. My father is Austrian and you know how particular and precise they are with facts.
RM: You said “is.”
TR: Yes, he is still alive.
RM: Where?
TR: He’s in the Himalayas right now, visiting my cousin.
RM: You have been smoking something.
TR: No. I used to smoke back in the 1890s but I gave it up.
RM: Made you sick?
TR: No, it got to be too expensive. If I hadn’t given up the habit, I would have spent $47,244 on cigarettes by now, plus the cost of matches and lighters.
RM: You are frugal, sir, but there must be some luxury which you can’t do without?
TR: I like Corona Light.
RM: Well, well. It just so happens I have in my private cellar, 192 different brands of beer. I’m certain we have this Corona Light you mention.
TR: Can I have one?
RM: That was one question too many, but I’ll let it go on one condition.
TR: Yes.
RM: While we have a drink, I want you to tell me all about your father. Please.
TR: Oh, of course. No problem. RM: Ok, then, we have a deal.